I started song-writing again tonight... It has been probably a few years since I've seriously written anything. It was absolutely wonderful. It also turned into time that I could spend with God. Last night, I wrote about how I have trouble letting go when I lead worship and how it's so much easier when I'm by myself. I want that feeling on Sunday. I got it tonight when I was playing alone.
I get caught up in how I sometimes feel trapped by having to write "positive" songs. And everything I turn out that's supposed to be happy sounds like bad bubblegum pop. It sounds really fake. My mentor reminded me that life can still be messy. We know how it's going to end, of course, but in the moment there is a place for songs that have some pain in them. In knowing this, it makes it so much easier to write. I guess the best way to think about it is if I'm imperfect, shouldn't my songs reflect that? I'm definitely not perfect, so I think it's okay to not pretend like I am.
My mentor recommended listening to "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. It really helps because it's such an honest song. The lyrics show that the singer still trusts God, even when things are hard. There are things that aren't resolved in the song, but that's okay.
"It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone"
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
The Proof of Your Love
I absolutely adore this song by for KING & COUNTRY. The first few lines always hit me really hard:
"If I sing, but don't have love
I waste my breath with every song I bring
An empty voice, a hollow noise"
Woah...
At worship practice we discuss going through the motions of leading worship. We discuss the times where we've felt most connected with God in worshipping Him. Often, it is by ourselves. Why? Because then one isn't worrying about whether they hit all of the correct notes. Nobody is afraid of being judged on their worship when there isn't anyone around to judge them.
I know that I'm guilty of going through the motions sometimes. I'm a perfectionist. I like to play every note perfectly. I'm disappointed in myself when I fail to do that. I hate messing up.
The fact that we are all broken was discussed. Being broken means I'm not perfect.
During my follow-up with my team leader at the end of Leadership Advance, it was pointed out that I keep people away. To an extent, I will be open and honest with you, but I will still find ways to keep you from figuring out who I am and/or who I was. After all, I still want others to think I've got it all together. I don't want people to know where I've been or where I've failed. I think it's because I feel like there are people who don't think that anyone can change. But I'm telling you that Jesus can truly change you. Often, the people I have the hardest time letting in are fellow Christians. Shouldn't those people be the easiest to let in? I wish they were, but often I feel judged. And I know I'm guilty of contributing to that with others.
In all actuality, they're aren't people who are "better" people. We're all sinners. We've all messed up and made mistakes. And we don't have the right to rank sins and compare ourselves to each other. Sin is sin is sin. Get over it.
I don't want to waste my breath with each song that I sing. I don't want the songs I play to be a waste. I want to be really worshipping and not going through the motions.
And I know that God's just waiting for me to ask Him to handle it all...
"If I sing, but don't have love
I waste my breath with every song I bring
An empty voice, a hollow noise"
Woah...
At worship practice we discuss going through the motions of leading worship. We discuss the times where we've felt most connected with God in worshipping Him. Often, it is by ourselves. Why? Because then one isn't worrying about whether they hit all of the correct notes. Nobody is afraid of being judged on their worship when there isn't anyone around to judge them.
I know that I'm guilty of going through the motions sometimes. I'm a perfectionist. I like to play every note perfectly. I'm disappointed in myself when I fail to do that. I hate messing up.
The fact that we are all broken was discussed. Being broken means I'm not perfect.
During my follow-up with my team leader at the end of Leadership Advance, it was pointed out that I keep people away. To an extent, I will be open and honest with you, but I will still find ways to keep you from figuring out who I am and/or who I was. After all, I still want others to think I've got it all together. I don't want people to know where I've been or where I've failed. I think it's because I feel like there are people who don't think that anyone can change. But I'm telling you that Jesus can truly change you. Often, the people I have the hardest time letting in are fellow Christians. Shouldn't those people be the easiest to let in? I wish they were, but often I feel judged. And I know I'm guilty of contributing to that with others.
In all actuality, they're aren't people who are "better" people. We're all sinners. We've all messed up and made mistakes. And we don't have the right to rank sins and compare ourselves to each other. Sin is sin is sin. Get over it.
I don't want to waste my breath with each song that I sing. I don't want the songs I play to be a waste. I want to be really worshipping and not going through the motions.
And I know that God's just waiting for me to ask Him to handle it all...
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Music
I don't think I can put into words how much music means to me. I'm so blessed to have this gift and even more blessed to be able to use it to glorify God.
I love unwinding at the end of the day with music. I live to get lost in the sound. I could play for hours on end and continue to be in awe of all the different sounds. I need to start writing again. It's been a long time since I've written any music really. I miss doing that. I hope to make more time to do that.
I don't think I can explain how a particular chord makes me feel sad or happy. Or how a melody can just take your breath away. I think the best part of music is that it makes us feel. It makes us feel in a completely different and unique way.
I wish the world appreciated music more. I think it is sad that often the first things to go are music programs for kids when budgets get cut. Really? How could that training not be important? One of the biggest things it teaches is focus and dedication! I used to practice for 3-5 hours a day growing up. In addition to becoming proficient in my instrument, I learned how to dedicate my time and energy to something important. If you don't dedicate time and energy to a goal, you probably won't meet it any time soon. I see so many kids nowadays who don't know how to focus that long to accomplish something. Wouldn't this help?
What about the beauty that comes with it too? I wish I could put it in words how I feel, but it seems to be something you have to experience.
"I lose control, it's a riot
Turn up the music higher"
I love unwinding at the end of the day with music. I live to get lost in the sound. I could play for hours on end and continue to be in awe of all the different sounds. I need to start writing again. It's been a long time since I've written any music really. I miss doing that. I hope to make more time to do that.
I don't think I can explain how a particular chord makes me feel sad or happy. Or how a melody can just take your breath away. I think the best part of music is that it makes us feel. It makes us feel in a completely different and unique way.
I wish the world appreciated music more. I think it is sad that often the first things to go are music programs for kids when budgets get cut. Really? How could that training not be important? One of the biggest things it teaches is focus and dedication! I used to practice for 3-5 hours a day growing up. In addition to becoming proficient in my instrument, I learned how to dedicate my time and energy to something important. If you don't dedicate time and energy to a goal, you probably won't meet it any time soon. I see so many kids nowadays who don't know how to focus that long to accomplish something. Wouldn't this help?
What about the beauty that comes with it too? I wish I could put it in words how I feel, but it seems to be something you have to experience.
"I lose control, it's a riot
Turn up the music higher"
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Eye of the Hurricane
Learning about my personality was...interesting. I'm not big on personality tests, but there were some things to learn from the ones I took recently. Some things I already knew, like how I have difficulty being really outgoing and social. It is something that I have learned to do, but at the end of the day I'm worn out from trying not to be socially awkward.
I think I'm starting to understand how much people actually care about me. It's still weird to me that I have so many wonderful friends here. I can only say that it's a God thing. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. And yet, this weekend, I was reminded again that I have friends who care about me so much. To have real friends is probably one of the most awesome things in the world. Having people there who are supportive of you is fantastic.
God shows me again and again that He knows what He's doing. I'm so very thankful that He's provided me with amazing friends. :-)
"Instead Your mercy has a way of turning heartache to faith
That hope will be reborn"
I think I'm starting to understand how much people actually care about me. It's still weird to me that I have so many wonderful friends here. I can only say that it's a God thing. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. And yet, this weekend, I was reminded again that I have friends who care about me so much. To have real friends is probably one of the most awesome things in the world. Having people there who are supportive of you is fantastic.
God shows me again and again that He knows what He's doing. I'm so very thankful that He's provided me with amazing friends. :-)
"Instead Your mercy has a way of turning heartache to faith
That hope will be reborn"
Monday, January 21, 2013
Your Hands (again)
So I got a bit behind due to not having a great internet connection the last couple of days. I will post more about that later...
Tonight, I'm really wishing my family wasn't so far away. At the beginning of January I wrote about how things have been difficult. They continue to just get more complicated. And a huge part of me feels guilty that I'm not there, even though I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I've always been one to step in and help out in any way I can. How am I supposed to help when I'm over here? I just feel helpless.
I wish that I could've been at Missional Community tonight. I'm so very grateful for their support and prayers.
I need to remember that God is in control, not me... Otherwise, I'm going to become a control freak with all the little tiny things around here that I feel like I have some power over and ultimately end up driving everyone (and myself) crazy.
I wish I could say more, but I can't... If you're reading this, please keep my family in your prayers.
"When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yeah, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands."
Tonight, I'm really wishing my family wasn't so far away. At the beginning of January I wrote about how things have been difficult. They continue to just get more complicated. And a huge part of me feels guilty that I'm not there, even though I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I've always been one to step in and help out in any way I can. How am I supposed to help when I'm over here? I just feel helpless.
I wish that I could've been at Missional Community tonight. I'm so very grateful for their support and prayers.
I need to remember that God is in control, not me... Otherwise, I'm going to become a control freak with all the little tiny things around here that I feel like I have some power over and ultimately end up driving everyone (and myself) crazy.
I wish I could say more, but I can't... If you're reading this, please keep my family in your prayers.
"When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yeah, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands."
Friday, January 18, 2013
Your Hands
God gives you what you need when you need it... He knows exactly what's right for you. I find that to be true again and again. Today while out and about with my wonderful friend, we discussed life and how it can get us down. I expressed my frustration at unanswered prayers and how I am just not very patient... After I dropped her off, a song came on the radio that I'd never heard. It was "Your Hands" by J.J. Heller. All I can say is wow.... I started crying because the lyrics perfectly described my struggle and frustration at the moment. And it reminded me that even though I'm really frustrated right now that I never leave God's hands. Never. He's still there. He is constant. He is awesome and powerful and wonderful and amazing! So even though things can be hard, I know He's holding me in His hands. And someday, He will restore everything...
"I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands."
I Will Follow
So for January, I have given up all my TV shows and computer games. Why? Well, a number of people at church are fasting from something through January. It's certainly given me a lot more time to spend with God. It's given me a lot of time to ponder the direction of my life, crazy dreams and all. And yet, there are a couple of those crazy dreams that I feel like God says may not be that crazy at all. But there is a part of me that is afraid to fail. What if I go for it and fail? Can I just put half of the effort in, that way when it does fail I won't be so disappointed?
My worst critic is me. I've always been terrified of failing and not being perfect. A constant theme through my life has always been, well if I do x and fail, then everyone will know I'm not perfect and they won't like me anymore. *gasp* Wait a minute... Nobody is perfect!
Probably the turning point for me where I started relaxing the extremely high (and unattainable) standards on myself was my senior year of high school. Until that point, everything was easy for me. I had skipped a year of math, I was in all honors and AP classes, etc. But senior year was calculus, since I skipped a year of math in junior high. And for the first time, there was a class that was difficult for me. And I just couldn't grasp it. And it killed my perfect 4.0 GPA that I had worked so very hard for. I was devastated.
But then I went off to college. And quickly discovered that there were a lot of things that were difficult. And there was no way I was going to maintain a 4.0 ever again, especially because at University of Washington you compete for your grade in most classes. And if I had tried to do that, I probably would be so burnt out. Losing the 4.0 at the end of high school made it easier to accept that I was doing the best I could and that was enough.
I guess if you never try something, then you're never going to know what could've happened. And failure teaches us important lessons. If I never failed, I wouldn't have learned so many of the lessons who've shaped me into the person I am today. I think I'd probably be a stressed out disaster.
So, I will jump into whatever is coming and it's not like I have to do it by myself. I don't... :-)
"Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You"
My worst critic is me. I've always been terrified of failing and not being perfect. A constant theme through my life has always been, well if I do x and fail, then everyone will know I'm not perfect and they won't like me anymore. *gasp* Wait a minute... Nobody is perfect!
Probably the turning point for me where I started relaxing the extremely high (and unattainable) standards on myself was my senior year of high school. Until that point, everything was easy for me. I had skipped a year of math, I was in all honors and AP classes, etc. But senior year was calculus, since I skipped a year of math in junior high. And for the first time, there was a class that was difficult for me. And I just couldn't grasp it. And it killed my perfect 4.0 GPA that I had worked so very hard for. I was devastated.
But then I went off to college. And quickly discovered that there were a lot of things that were difficult. And there was no way I was going to maintain a 4.0 ever again, especially because at University of Washington you compete for your grade in most classes. And if I had tried to do that, I probably would be so burnt out. Losing the 4.0 at the end of high school made it easier to accept that I was doing the best I could and that was enough.
I guess if you never try something, then you're never going to know what could've happened. And failure teaches us important lessons. If I never failed, I wouldn't have learned so many of the lessons who've shaped me into the person I am today. I think I'd probably be a stressed out disaster.
So, I will jump into whatever is coming and it's not like I have to do it by myself. I don't... :-)
"Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You"
Thursday, January 17, 2013
You Are Everything
Short post tonight. Today was one of those crazy busy days... And it's still not over. Actually, it seems like this week has dragged on forever. I just needed to stop and take a minute to remember that I don't have to do this all by myself. And when I take the time to acknowledge that, I feel so much better. I still have a lot to do, but just remembering this and admitting that I need help brings me peace. So onward with everything that still needs to be done! It'll all be okay! :-)
"You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open all I know is
Every day is filled with hope
'Cause You are everything that I breathe for
And I can't help but breathe You in, and breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart"
"You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open all I know is
Every day is filled with hope
'Cause You are everything that I breathe for
And I can't help but breathe You in, and breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart"
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Anchor
"Without hope I'll only sink not swim"
I really like the song "Anchor" by Satellites & Sirens. The lyrics are awesome if you really take the time to listen to them.
Continuing off discovering one's identity in Christ, it is important to remember that Christ should be our anchor. He keeps us stable through all the storms of life. Without that, life is not very much fun at all. I know that through the experience of walking away from God. What a miserable existence that was! When I see people, who aren't walking with God, struggling I just want to grab them and just tell them how much God loves them.
That's scary, isn't it? And I know that I fail at doing this time and time again. It's not fun to get rejected or even laughed at. And yet, even if the person you're trying to reach out to does those things, I feel like you would've at least stirred *something* in them. Whether or not they're willing to admit it, I feel like everyone considers God in some way. I think that is a topic for another day though...
Anyways, I have learned that even when things are really bad, God is still there. He also cares about the little things too. He uses our vulnerability so that we can trust Him. It's not comfortable sometimes, but I know it means I'm growing.
"When I feel like I am drifting away
Sinking down, the sands are shifting today
I'm about to lose my way
You anchor, anchor me down
Looking out, the skies are turning to grey
All around, the tide is pulling away
Just about to lose my way
You anchor, anchor me down"
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (Hebrews 11:1)
I really like the song "Anchor" by Satellites & Sirens. The lyrics are awesome if you really take the time to listen to them.
Continuing off discovering one's identity in Christ, it is important to remember that Christ should be our anchor. He keeps us stable through all the storms of life. Without that, life is not very much fun at all. I know that through the experience of walking away from God. What a miserable existence that was! When I see people, who aren't walking with God, struggling I just want to grab them and just tell them how much God loves them.
That's scary, isn't it? And I know that I fail at doing this time and time again. It's not fun to get rejected or even laughed at. And yet, even if the person you're trying to reach out to does those things, I feel like you would've at least stirred *something* in them. Whether or not they're willing to admit it, I feel like everyone considers God in some way. I think that is a topic for another day though...
Anyways, I have learned that even when things are really bad, God is still there. He also cares about the little things too. He uses our vulnerability so that we can trust Him. It's not comfortable sometimes, but I know it means I'm growing.
"When I feel like I am drifting away
Sinking down, the sands are shifting today
I'm about to lose my way
You anchor, anchor me down
Looking out, the skies are turning to grey
All around, the tide is pulling away
Just about to lose my way
You anchor, anchor me down"
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (Hebrews 11:1)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
In Christ Alone
Who are you? How would you describe yourself? What is your identity?
I've been struggling with this a lot lately. I'm graduating from grad school in May...and then what? I'm already done with coursework... While it's nice not to have a ton of homework, reading, papers, tests, etc. I still haven't fully grasped that I will never be a student that sits in classes constantly again. And a lot of me misses that already because I really enjoy learning. Continuing to take classes is my way of putting off fully growing up. When I went to college, I wanted a degree that put me in a specific position because it always felt easier to plan out. As a speech-language pathologist, I still have so many options of where I could work. That helps so that I'll never be bored with the job, but at the same time, that involves so much more decision making...
Is my identity my career? I hope I'm something more than just a speech pathologist.
Maybe my identity is as a survivor. Until it broke, I wore a survivor bracelet in the cause color with the nice ribbon. And it helped remind me that no matter how crummy things were on any particular given day, nothing was as bad as what I'd already been through. I would actually get one again just because it's a good reminder for me. A lot of my jewelry has some sort of meaning. Anyways, at the same time, I don't want that to be my identity either because, again, I hope I'm more than that. And perhaps more importantly, I don't want people to feel pity for me and then treat me differently. I hate that...
I'm sure I could keep going with things that might be my identity... But in the end are any of them really that important?
I was listening to Mark Driscoll's most recent sermon that deals with this topic and he had a quote from someone he was talking to that was something along the lines of how all of these things (in her life) may explain her, but they don't define her. Woah...
So what is my identity? It's found in Christ alone. I don't have to try to create myself to be the person I want to be. God has already created me to be what He wants. I may not understand why I am the way I am sometimes, but I know that God gave me the gifts and talents I have for a purpose. If I remember that my identity is in Him, then I know I'd be much happier. Life may not always be easy, but putting my faith in something that won't fade away is so much better than trying to listen to what the world says I should be doing.
In the end will those opinions matter?
"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand"
I've been struggling with this a lot lately. I'm graduating from grad school in May...and then what? I'm already done with coursework... While it's nice not to have a ton of homework, reading, papers, tests, etc. I still haven't fully grasped that I will never be a student that sits in classes constantly again. And a lot of me misses that already because I really enjoy learning. Continuing to take classes is my way of putting off fully growing up. When I went to college, I wanted a degree that put me in a specific position because it always felt easier to plan out. As a speech-language pathologist, I still have so many options of where I could work. That helps so that I'll never be bored with the job, but at the same time, that involves so much more decision making...
Is my identity my career? I hope I'm something more than just a speech pathologist.
Maybe my identity is as a survivor. Until it broke, I wore a survivor bracelet in the cause color with the nice ribbon. And it helped remind me that no matter how crummy things were on any particular given day, nothing was as bad as what I'd already been through. I would actually get one again just because it's a good reminder for me. A lot of my jewelry has some sort of meaning. Anyways, at the same time, I don't want that to be my identity either because, again, I hope I'm more than that. And perhaps more importantly, I don't want people to feel pity for me and then treat me differently. I hate that...
I'm sure I could keep going with things that might be my identity... But in the end are any of them really that important?
I was listening to Mark Driscoll's most recent sermon that deals with this topic and he had a quote from someone he was talking to that was something along the lines of how all of these things (in her life) may explain her, but they don't define her. Woah...
So what is my identity? It's found in Christ alone. I don't have to try to create myself to be the person I want to be. God has already created me to be what He wants. I may not understand why I am the way I am sometimes, but I know that God gave me the gifts and talents I have for a purpose. If I remember that my identity is in Him, then I know I'd be much happier. Life may not always be easy, but putting my faith in something that won't fade away is so much better than trying to listen to what the world says I should be doing.
In the end will those opinions matter?
"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand"
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Sane
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11:24)
I'm forever amazed that we have a God who actually takes the time to listen to us. Even more amazing that He will give us what we ask for. Now, I'm not saying God is like a more holy Santa Claus. That's not it at all... When we ask with the right intentions and motivations, I believe that He does grant us what we ask. When He doesn't grant us what we ask, I think we need to examine our hearts.
Tonight, I just needed peace. My mind is one of my worst enemies. I can quickly create problems that don't exist and think I know exactly what other people think of me, when in reality these things probably aren't true at all. Doesn't this become a self-fulfilling prophecy then? When I dream up problems and people's opinions of me, wouldn't I then act in response to what I think is a problem? Doesn't that end up creating more problems in the end? I think so...
I just spent time praying for peace. And I've felt myself calm down. No more negative thoughts. I'm so thankful that God listens.
"You will be sane
You will be free
This won't decide
Who you're gonna be
You will be safe
You will be new
The cycle will break
The future will change
And you will be sane"
I'm forever amazed that we have a God who actually takes the time to listen to us. Even more amazing that He will give us what we ask for. Now, I'm not saying God is like a more holy Santa Claus. That's not it at all... When we ask with the right intentions and motivations, I believe that He does grant us what we ask. When He doesn't grant us what we ask, I think we need to examine our hearts.
Tonight, I just needed peace. My mind is one of my worst enemies. I can quickly create problems that don't exist and think I know exactly what other people think of me, when in reality these things probably aren't true at all. Doesn't this become a self-fulfilling prophecy then? When I dream up problems and people's opinions of me, wouldn't I then act in response to what I think is a problem? Doesn't that end up creating more problems in the end? I think so...
I just spent time praying for peace. And I've felt myself calm down. No more negative thoughts. I'm so thankful that God listens.
"You will be sane
You will be free
This won't decide
Who you're gonna be
You will be safe
You will be new
The cycle will break
The future will change
And you will be sane"
Saturday, January 12, 2013
The Motions
"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."" (Hebrews 12:28-29)
Wow, we are called to worship God with reverence and awe! How often do I just go 'through the motions' of worship without really recognizing how amazing our God is? I know there are times where I do remember this and can just let go, but other times, I know I'm too busy concentrating on not messing up. I've been thinking a lot about how to just be at a point where I'm not so focused on every note I have to play. Tonight I sat down at the piano and said to myself, well, let's just see if I have some of this memorized. I find that even if I've played a song a million times, my nose will still be in the score just in case. In case of what? I don't know... Maybe the notes will rearrange themselves or something.
I just asked God to show me that I actually have something memorized. I started playing and found that my fingers easily flew through all the patterns. Instead of focusing on the music, I was able to just think about what the song says and focus on God. Occasionally, I needed a chord here and there, but instead of using full scores, I had a chord chart I could glance down at.
I've found that when someone is so passionate about something, it shows and other people want it. My favorite ballet teacher in college once called me out in front of the whole class and had me go to the center of the room. I had no idea why... I have studied dance for years, but I'm really not a good dancer. And ballet was definitely not one of my strengths. But he had me dance what we had been working on all semester by myself, with the entire class (that included dance majors) watching. And as I did, he told the class that although I wasn't a great dancer in terms of technique, he'd rather watch a dancer like me than the best technical dancer in the world because I had the passion behind the number. And when you have that, it draws other people in and makes them want what you have.
His point reminds me tonight that if I spend all my time worrying about every single note that I have to play, nobody will see just how much I love God. When I'm leading, I don't want people to see me performing, I want them to see God.
"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
"What if I had given everything?"
Instead of going through the motions."
Wow, we are called to worship God with reverence and awe! How often do I just go 'through the motions' of worship without really recognizing how amazing our God is? I know there are times where I do remember this and can just let go, but other times, I know I'm too busy concentrating on not messing up. I've been thinking a lot about how to just be at a point where I'm not so focused on every note I have to play. Tonight I sat down at the piano and said to myself, well, let's just see if I have some of this memorized. I find that even if I've played a song a million times, my nose will still be in the score just in case. In case of what? I don't know... Maybe the notes will rearrange themselves or something.
I just asked God to show me that I actually have something memorized. I started playing and found that my fingers easily flew through all the patterns. Instead of focusing on the music, I was able to just think about what the song says and focus on God. Occasionally, I needed a chord here and there, but instead of using full scores, I had a chord chart I could glance down at.
I've found that when someone is so passionate about something, it shows and other people want it. My favorite ballet teacher in college once called me out in front of the whole class and had me go to the center of the room. I had no idea why... I have studied dance for years, but I'm really not a good dancer. And ballet was definitely not one of my strengths. But he had me dance what we had been working on all semester by myself, with the entire class (that included dance majors) watching. And as I did, he told the class that although I wasn't a great dancer in terms of technique, he'd rather watch a dancer like me than the best technical dancer in the world because I had the passion behind the number. And when you have that, it draws other people in and makes them want what you have.
His point reminds me tonight that if I spend all my time worrying about every single note that I have to play, nobody will see just how much I love God. When I'm leading, I don't want people to see me performing, I want them to see God.
"I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
"What if I had given everything?"
Instead of going through the motions."
Circle of Friends
I'm so thankful for the friends God has placed in my life. Throughout the week's frustrations, they've been there to stick by me and I've been there for them. I'm blessed that they put up with me when I go off for the millionth time on something silly and even more blessed when they tell me to just quit it or I'll drive myself crazy. I'm grateful that they keep me accountable. I'm always surprised when I realize just how much they care. I hope that they know that I really care about them too.
Having a group of strong Christian friends is so important in walking with Jesus. It isn't easy to go about it alone. It's far easier to let the world drag you down. I've mentioned before how it can almost seem easier to confess to God and leave it at that, rather than confessing to each other. In having somebody there to ask you how things are going and expecting you to be honest about it, it makes it easier to stay on track. Having people there to share in the happy and sad times is such a blessing.
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:15)
"In a circle of friends we have one Father
In a circle of friends we share this prayer
That every orphaned soul will know
And all will enter in
To the shelter of this circle of friends"
Having a group of strong Christian friends is so important in walking with Jesus. It isn't easy to go about it alone. It's far easier to let the world drag you down. I've mentioned before how it can almost seem easier to confess to God and leave it at that, rather than confessing to each other. In having somebody there to ask you how things are going and expecting you to be honest about it, it makes it easier to stay on track. Having people there to share in the happy and sad times is such a blessing.
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:15)
"In a circle of friends we have one Father
In a circle of friends we share this prayer
That every orphaned soul will know
And all will enter in
To the shelter of this circle of friends"
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Still Here With Me
You can't manipulate God. Of course, it seems like that's so obvious that it doesn't need to be said. And yet, I still try to do it, whether I realize it or not...
I'm frustrated, but before throwing a pity party for one, it dawned on me that my frustration is due to my unrealistic expectations. I have been parading around going look how patient I am being, God. I'm just doing awesome and now that I've been so patient, I mean I think we can end this patience lesson, right?
Wrong...
I think this is going to be something I struggle with for a long time. I just always want things done and out of the way so I can jump to the next thing and when things don't get done or don't go my way, well I find it highly irritating.
I've talked before about trusting God's plan and how worrying is really saying that you don't trust that He's going to come through for you. Same with patience. God's timing is perfect, but when I'm impatient, aren't I just saying once again that I don't trust that He's going to work it out?
"I'm sure that I'm not alone, not alone
Though the world tries to tell me so, tell me so
In this valley I'm going through
Even when it's hard to see
You're still here with me, You're still here with me
You're still here
You're still here with me, yeah You're still here"
I'm frustrated, but before throwing a pity party for one, it dawned on me that my frustration is due to my unrealistic expectations. I have been parading around going look how patient I am being, God. I'm just doing awesome and now that I've been so patient, I mean I think we can end this patience lesson, right?
Wrong...
I think this is going to be something I struggle with for a long time. I just always want things done and out of the way so I can jump to the next thing and when things don't get done or don't go my way, well I find it highly irritating.
I've talked before about trusting God's plan and how worrying is really saying that you don't trust that He's going to come through for you. Same with patience. God's timing is perfect, but when I'm impatient, aren't I just saying once again that I don't trust that He's going to work it out?
"I'm sure that I'm not alone, not alone
Though the world tries to tell me so, tell me so
In this valley I'm going through
Even when it's hard to see
You're still here with me, You're still here with me
You're still here
You're still here with me, yeah You're still here"
Unbroken
Sometimes I sit around wondering what life would be like if I had made some different choices. I can pick out specific events that had they happened differently, my entire life would've been altered. I was discussing it with a friend tonight just briefly and just touched upon how I ended up here. If I had stuck with my original major, where would I be? Probably in California as an Imagineer (or so I would've hoped). So different from what I do now. But that's okay. I like what I do now!
Other events aren't so nice like that one. There are things I wish that I could erase. I've learned some hard lessons. Those lessons have shaped me into who I am. If I hadn't learned those lessons, where would I be? Would I be as passionate about the things I deeply care about? Probably not...
Before I had learned some of those lessons, I was that Christian - the one who was so quick to judge you and tell you what your problem was. Now, having come back to Christ, I would hope that I'm not that person anymore. I'm not saying that I'm okay with sin, but I sincerely hope that I'm less judgmental that I was before. I hope that I have learned to listen to others and the things they are going through.
I think just realizing how broken I am has made me truly appreciate God's grace. I can't say I'd be happy to go through some of that stuff again, but I know I've learned from it. And I know God can use all of it for His glory.
"To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken had not shattered me
If I was unbroken I'd never know
The beauty of hope and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken"
Other events aren't so nice like that one. There are things I wish that I could erase. I've learned some hard lessons. Those lessons have shaped me into who I am. If I hadn't learned those lessons, where would I be? Would I be as passionate about the things I deeply care about? Probably not...
Before I had learned some of those lessons, I was that Christian - the one who was so quick to judge you and tell you what your problem was. Now, having come back to Christ, I would hope that I'm not that person anymore. I'm not saying that I'm okay with sin, but I sincerely hope that I'm less judgmental that I was before. I hope that I have learned to listen to others and the things they are going through.
I think just realizing how broken I am has made me truly appreciate God's grace. I can't say I'd be happy to go through some of that stuff again, but I know I've learned from it. And I know God can use all of it for His glory.
"To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken had not shattered me
If I was unbroken I'd never know
The beauty of hope and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken"
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
What I've Overcome
In trying to blog each day, my hope is that no one thinks I have things together or everything figured out. I don't. I'm a mess, but I'm working on it. :-)
I hope that being open and honest will help others feel like they can be too. I used to think that no one else could possibly be struggling with the things I struggled (and still struggle) with. What if people could just be more open about their mess?
I've found that one of the biggest lies is believing that no one else could possibly be dealing with the things you're going through. And if other people knew what you were struggling with, well, they just wouldn't like you anymore. I have believed it. I now know it's a lie and it's one of the ways the Enemy tries to have some power over us. Even knowing that, I feel like sometimes it's easier to tell God what you're struggling with and then not tell anyone else. But that's not the right answer either.
Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do is share my story. And each time it was difficult, even one-on-one. But nothing was scarier than sharing in front of the entire congregation at church... When I got the email about sharing for Calvary on Campus, I immediately heard God say "You're doing that."
Wait, what? Can we talk about this?
The answer was no.
I begged and pleaded and tried to bargain, but it didn't get me anywhere. I was torn because I knew that I was being called to share and yet was completely terrified of the consequences of doing so. So I submitted my story. And waited. They had a lot of people willing to share and a small part of me hoped that my story wouldn't be picked.
But it was. And to top it all off, I was going to go first.
Wait, first? I can't listen to the other ones and modify at the last minute if it's not going to go over well? Yeah, no.
You know what though? I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am that I went through with it. I don't have to hide or worry about what will happen if people knew who I was. Even months later I still have people coming up to me and telling me how much they appreciated me sharing. Nobody shunned me and I'm still loved.
So, if my mess helps somebody else, then that's awesome! Above all else, I just want everyone to know that God has completely turned my life around!
"If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
It's funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome"
I hope that being open and honest will help others feel like they can be too. I used to think that no one else could possibly be struggling with the things I struggled (and still struggle) with. What if people could just be more open about their mess?
I've found that one of the biggest lies is believing that no one else could possibly be dealing with the things you're going through. And if other people knew what you were struggling with, well, they just wouldn't like you anymore. I have believed it. I now know it's a lie and it's one of the ways the Enemy tries to have some power over us. Even knowing that, I feel like sometimes it's easier to tell God what you're struggling with and then not tell anyone else. But that's not the right answer either.
Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do is share my story. And each time it was difficult, even one-on-one. But nothing was scarier than sharing in front of the entire congregation at church... When I got the email about sharing for Calvary on Campus, I immediately heard God say "You're doing that."
Wait, what? Can we talk about this?
The answer was no.
I begged and pleaded and tried to bargain, but it didn't get me anywhere. I was torn because I knew that I was being called to share and yet was completely terrified of the consequences of doing so. So I submitted my story. And waited. They had a lot of people willing to share and a small part of me hoped that my story wouldn't be picked.
But it was. And to top it all off, I was going to go first.
Wait, first? I can't listen to the other ones and modify at the last minute if it's not going to go over well? Yeah, no.
You know what though? I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am that I went through with it. I don't have to hide or worry about what will happen if people knew who I was. Even months later I still have people coming up to me and telling me how much they appreciated me sharing. Nobody shunned me and I'm still loved.
So, if my mess helps somebody else, then that's awesome! Above all else, I just want everyone to know that God has completely turned my life around!
"If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
It's funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome"
Let it Go
Letting go is so wonderful! I can't even tell you how relieved I feel right now after just letting God handle the things I was worried about. And things ended up working out in a way I didn't think would happen. It was awesome!
When I sit around and worry, it's like I'm telling God that I don't trust Him to come through for me. Like I don't trust the plan He has in place. I can't predict the future (shocking, I know, since that Disney channel show was clearly about me.) ;-) But isn't that my attitude when I sit around and do nothing but worry about all the horrible outcomes that could happen?
I think one of the things I know I need to work through is continually expecting that bad things are going to happen to me. I've been disappointed so many times in life that it's like I can't let myself hope for something good to happen. God's answers are yes, no, and not yet. I'm terrified of setting my heart on something and then hearing the "no" answer... But if God says "no," why is that really so horrible? Doesn't He know what's best for me? And honestly, so many of those disappointments were because I was pursuing the wrong thing...
What do you need to let go of?
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
"You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go"
When I sit around and worry, it's like I'm telling God that I don't trust Him to come through for me. Like I don't trust the plan He has in place. I can't predict the future (shocking, I know, since that Disney channel show was clearly about me.) ;-) But isn't that my attitude when I sit around and do nothing but worry about all the horrible outcomes that could happen?
I think one of the things I know I need to work through is continually expecting that bad things are going to happen to me. I've been disappointed so many times in life that it's like I can't let myself hope for something good to happen. God's answers are yes, no, and not yet. I'm terrified of setting my heart on something and then hearing the "no" answer... But if God says "no," why is that really so horrible? Doesn't He know what's best for me? And honestly, so many of those disappointments were because I was pursuing the wrong thing...
What do you need to let go of?
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
"You say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go"
Monday, January 7, 2013
Don't Worry
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matthew 6:27)
Today I got caught up in all the complicated details of life and spent time fretting over what to do about silly things. My mentor sat me down and I just poured it all out to her. When I was finished, she said if you spend all your time worrying about what others think, you're never going to get anywhere.
Why do I care (and worry) more about what other people think over what God thinks? I know deep down that you can't please everyone, but there's still that part of me that tries. What if I put all that time into what God wants from me?
So I started to do that, instead of worrying. My mentor helped me walk through it. We talked about the gifts I've been given and where I feel like God's leading me. We talked about how I'm afraid to mess up and I don't want to go back to what I was a few years ago.
I hope you have someone you can talk to and work through things with.
"Don't worry about your life
'Cause if you hold it too close
You'll lose it
Don't worry about your life
So won't you let go
Before it's gone"
Today I got caught up in all the complicated details of life and spent time fretting over what to do about silly things. My mentor sat me down and I just poured it all out to her. When I was finished, she said if you spend all your time worrying about what others think, you're never going to get anywhere.
Why do I care (and worry) more about what other people think over what God thinks? I know deep down that you can't please everyone, but there's still that part of me that tries. What if I put all that time into what God wants from me?
So I started to do that, instead of worrying. My mentor helped me walk through it. We talked about the gifts I've been given and where I feel like God's leading me. We talked about how I'm afraid to mess up and I don't want to go back to what I was a few years ago.
I hope you have someone you can talk to and work through things with.
"Don't worry about your life
'Cause if you hold it too close
You'll lose it
Don't worry about your life
So won't you let go
Before it's gone"
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Someone's Work of Art
Tonight was my last servant team meeting for Penn State Christian Grads (PSCG), the Cru group for grad students. Since our terms now run January through December, my time serving officially is over. If I could've continued, I would've accepted in a heartbeat, but I will be graduating in May and will no longer be eligible to serve in that capacity.
This term was shorter than usual. We served from May through tonight because we changed our terms to January to December from May to May. But in the shortened term, I have grown so much.
Tonight as a team we shared things we are thankful for in our own lives, the servant team, PSCG, etc. It was really cool to hear everyone's thoughts.
For me, I know I have gained a lot of confidence. When Ash first told me that the group had elected me, I thought it was a mistake. I never felt like I had good ideas to contribute. As someone who hardly talks or offers any thoughts in group discussions, leading in this way was a challenge. I spent a lot of time praying and thinking about whether or not to accept. I'm so glad I did. Being able to grow in friendship with everyone on the team and build trust made it possible for me to start saying what I was thinking. I learned that I do have good ideas to contribute and my opinion does matter, whether or not that's the one that we go with or not. I'm still working on being more vocal with my ideas and praying out loud...
I feel like it's bad to say, but I hate praying out loud. I enjoy praying silently. I will even pray out loud by myself...but I dread being called on in a group. Silly as it is, I have always felt like people are judging how I say things or even what I say. I feel like I never sound as eloquent as everyone else. I don't feel like I have the "right" fancy and flowery vocabulary that everyone else seemed to learn. My heart starts racing and I stumble all over my words (embarrassing for someone aspiring to be a speech therapist). I will do everything to avoid being called on. Ash pushed me to try it at one point and after much hemming and hawing, I reluctantly agreed. And I survived... It's something I'm still working on... I will still say no and try to avoid it, but it's something I'm working on.
I learned how to be more patient and flexible. Not having assigned officer positions has its pros and cons. We can all brainstorm ideas together and we make decisions collectively. It can be frustrating though when a decision just needs to be made. But I learned and continue to learn how to be a team player, even in the times that my idea isn't the one that we go with.
I'm so grateful that God put this team in my life. Ash, Heather, Dan, Kerrie, Alex, Steve, Nate, and Devon - I love you guys!
"You are Someone's work of art
Just the way you are
And you're shining like the stars tonight
All the pieces of your heart
And all the lovely scars
Are Someone's work of art"
This term was shorter than usual. We served from May through tonight because we changed our terms to January to December from May to May. But in the shortened term, I have grown so much.
Tonight as a team we shared things we are thankful for in our own lives, the servant team, PSCG, etc. It was really cool to hear everyone's thoughts.
For me, I know I have gained a lot of confidence. When Ash first told me that the group had elected me, I thought it was a mistake. I never felt like I had good ideas to contribute. As someone who hardly talks or offers any thoughts in group discussions, leading in this way was a challenge. I spent a lot of time praying and thinking about whether or not to accept. I'm so glad I did. Being able to grow in friendship with everyone on the team and build trust made it possible for me to start saying what I was thinking. I learned that I do have good ideas to contribute and my opinion does matter, whether or not that's the one that we go with or not. I'm still working on being more vocal with my ideas and praying out loud...
I feel like it's bad to say, but I hate praying out loud. I enjoy praying silently. I will even pray out loud by myself...but I dread being called on in a group. Silly as it is, I have always felt like people are judging how I say things or even what I say. I feel like I never sound as eloquent as everyone else. I don't feel like I have the "right" fancy and flowery vocabulary that everyone else seemed to learn. My heart starts racing and I stumble all over my words (embarrassing for someone aspiring to be a speech therapist). I will do everything to avoid being called on. Ash pushed me to try it at one point and after much hemming and hawing, I reluctantly agreed. And I survived... It's something I'm still working on... I will still say no and try to avoid it, but it's something I'm working on.
I learned how to be more patient and flexible. Not having assigned officer positions has its pros and cons. We can all brainstorm ideas together and we make decisions collectively. It can be frustrating though when a decision just needs to be made. But I learned and continue to learn how to be a team player, even in the times that my idea isn't the one that we go with.
I'm so grateful that God put this team in my life. Ash, Heather, Dan, Kerrie, Alex, Steve, Nate, and Devon - I love you guys!
"You are Someone's work of art
Just the way you are
And you're shining like the stars tonight
All the pieces of your heart
And all the lovely scars
Are Someone's work of art"
We wrote what we were thankful for on cups and the engineers built us this nice Ebenezer...
Ta-da!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Your Love is a Song
"Oh Your love is a symphony
All around me
Running through me
Oh Your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me
Oh, Your love is a song"
I don't think it's a surprise that music can evoke powerful feelings and emotions. I know it's not just me, but when I'm playing music and praising God, that's when I feel closest to Him. I always hope that when I'm worshiping, people don't see me as a performer. I hope that I am pointing to God, who gave me these gifts.
Last night, I spent probably an hour playing various worship songs (mostly Hillsong) and singing for my Grandma. Watching how the melodies and words impacted her is a memory I will cherish forever.
This Switchfoot song always speaks to me, as for me, the way I can even kinda grasp God's love is through music. When I'm not able to play and sing consistently, I feel lost. Even just playing and singing in my own house, by myself, allows me to connect with God.
What allows you to connect?
"Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13:8 NIV84)
All around me
Running through me
Oh Your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me
Oh, Your love is a song"
I don't think it's a surprise that music can evoke powerful feelings and emotions. I know it's not just me, but when I'm playing music and praising God, that's when I feel closest to Him. I always hope that when I'm worshiping, people don't see me as a performer. I hope that I am pointing to God, who gave me these gifts.
Last night, I spent probably an hour playing various worship songs (mostly Hillsong) and singing for my Grandma. Watching how the melodies and words impacted her is a memory I will cherish forever.
This Switchfoot song always speaks to me, as for me, the way I can even kinda grasp God's love is through music. When I'm not able to play and sing consistently, I feel lost. Even just playing and singing in my own house, by myself, allows me to connect with God.
What allows you to connect?
"Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13:8 NIV84)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
One Thing Remains
"Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me"
I love this song... I think that, right now, it is my favorite song. It reminds me to hang on, even when it's hard.
The past couple of months have been hard. I don't care to go into a bunch of details, but it hasn't been easy. That Christmas that people dream about with perfect families, picturesque presents, and pristine snow on Christmas morning? Yeah, that didn't happen... Christmas was fine. We managed to laugh, presents were lovely, and we could do without the snow, thank you very much. (Can you say 'black ice?')
But how do you get through it when life throws something unwanted at you? In all our minds, I think we paint these beautiful pictures of what we want life to be. And then something comes along and smears the colors together, ruining what we spent so much time and energy planning. I've been learning that God isn't surprised by these blemishes on our paintings. That's the problem, isn't it? It's "our" painting. I don't think what we dream up can compare to the masterpiece He's created for us.
This afternoon, I picked up my sister from cheer. While complaining about everything (traffic, being late, traffic, icy roads, traffic...) the radio played an interview with Kristian Stanfill about the meaning behind "One Thing Remains." I turned it up and listened to him talk about the scripture behind the song, namely Romans 8. I was quiet the rest of the drive and read Romans 8 as soon as I got home.
It broke me.
No matter what happens in life, God is always there. And He loves us. And nothing can cut us off from His love.
So when life takes a turn you didn't see coming, hang on. I'm going to hang on to God's promise of how I can't be separated from His love. And while I may never know what God's grand masterpiece looks like til I get there, I know that He works it all out for good.
I think I'll keep singing/listening to that song and going back to Romans 8 again and again too...
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39 NIV84)
It never gives up
It never runs out on me"
I love this song... I think that, right now, it is my favorite song. It reminds me to hang on, even when it's hard.
The past couple of months have been hard. I don't care to go into a bunch of details, but it hasn't been easy. That Christmas that people dream about with perfect families, picturesque presents, and pristine snow on Christmas morning? Yeah, that didn't happen... Christmas was fine. We managed to laugh, presents were lovely, and we could do without the snow, thank you very much. (Can you say 'black ice?')
But how do you get through it when life throws something unwanted at you? In all our minds, I think we paint these beautiful pictures of what we want life to be. And then something comes along and smears the colors together, ruining what we spent so much time and energy planning. I've been learning that God isn't surprised by these blemishes on our paintings. That's the problem, isn't it? It's "our" painting. I don't think what we dream up can compare to the masterpiece He's created for us.
This afternoon, I picked up my sister from cheer. While complaining about everything (traffic, being late, traffic, icy roads, traffic...) the radio played an interview with Kristian Stanfill about the meaning behind "One Thing Remains." I turned it up and listened to him talk about the scripture behind the song, namely Romans 8. I was quiet the rest of the drive and read Romans 8 as soon as I got home.
It broke me.
No matter what happens in life, God is always there. And He loves us. And nothing can cut us off from His love.
So when life takes a turn you didn't see coming, hang on. I'm going to hang on to God's promise of how I can't be separated from His love. And while I may never know what God's grand masterpiece looks like til I get there, I know that He works it all out for good.
I think I'll keep singing/listening to that song and going back to Romans 8 again and again too...
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39 NIV84)
Mirror
My sister is an amazing person! Being six years older than her, I like to think that I'm supposed to be the example and all, but she always seems to be teaching me something about life.
A little bit ago, I wrote about not being so judgmental of my appearance. (http://nd15read.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-more-beautiful-you.html) Today's battle did not have to do with make-up, but with something different - braces. And no, not the teeth kind (been there, done that), but the kind that go on ankles, knees, elbows, other injured body parts... Since I seem to be falling apart, some of these "accessories" were purchased. Bleh...
I must admit that I do feel better when wearing them. But I was not about to go out in public with them on, as it is not the kind of fashion accessory I wanted to be seen in.
I decided to suck it up though when I got my sister's "you're being ridiculous" look. After all, she too has to wear these things from time to time. And as I thought about it, she's right. I am being ridiculous. My sister is a fashionista. She's a cheerleader. She's definitely not the nerd I was in high school. If she can do it, well, I guess I can too. And if I don't hurt as much when wearing them, then who really cares what someone else thinks? Silly me...
Yep, we match too...
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, have I got it?
'Cause mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry, you won't define me
Sorry, you don't own me"
A little bit ago, I wrote about not being so judgmental of my appearance. (http://nd15read.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-more-beautiful-you.html) Today's battle did not have to do with make-up, but with something different - braces. And no, not the teeth kind (been there, done that), but the kind that go on ankles, knees, elbows, other injured body parts... Since I seem to be falling apart, some of these "accessories" were purchased. Bleh...
I must admit that I do feel better when wearing them. But I was not about to go out in public with them on, as it is not the kind of fashion accessory I wanted to be seen in.
I decided to suck it up though when I got my sister's "you're being ridiculous" look. After all, she too has to wear these things from time to time. And as I thought about it, she's right. I am being ridiculous. My sister is a fashionista. She's a cheerleader. She's definitely not the nerd I was in high school. If she can do it, well, I guess I can too. And if I don't hurt as much when wearing them, then who really cares what someone else thinks? Silly me...
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, have I got it?
'Cause mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry, you won't define me
Sorry, you don't own me"
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
My Glorious
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV1984).
I seem to have to come back to this lesson over and over again - trusting. Time and time again, I vow to put God first and just trust Him. And yet, I seem to take control back and act like I can do it all by myself.
Instead of beating myself up about it this time, I'm just going to laugh at my bossy, type A personality, and hand over control. I know God isn't mad at me for trying to be in control. I know He's just been waiting for me to realize (again) that things go better when He's in control and I actively acknowledge that He's got it.
I think the Message translation of these verses helps my understanding:
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this." (Proverbs 3:5-12, MSG)
Isn't it amazing that we don't have to figure out everything by ourselves? Even though I need reminders to let God have control, I know He always comes through for me. I'm still a little bit surprised that I moved across the country to go to school. I thought I would stay in my hometown forever. When it came to deciding on a school, I decided to trust God. I applied to 11 grad schools... (Crazy, I know...that was 16 applications!). My heart was set on University of Washington, where I did my undergrad. I was already comfortable there. For me, it was the safe option.
But, I felt God calling me somewhere else... And that scared me a lot. I asked Him to just take the UW option off the table completely if I wasn't supposed to go there. It's true that UW often doesn't take their own undergrads in my program, but it's rare not to at least get wait-listed.
The e-mail (they don't send letters) came... And I opened it, hoping that I wasn't about to go somewhere else. God answered my question.... I didn't even get wait-listed. I managed to hold it together, since I was at work, but later I questioned why I was rejected. And God didn't give me an answer right away.
I watched my other options close to home disappear... And a couple days later, my Mom called to tell me I had a letter from Penn State. I begged her to just open it with me on the phone because I was tired of reading rejection letters. Penn State was a school I'd dreamed about going, but I never felt like it could actually happen. My Mom read me the answer - YES! I don't think I've ever screamed so loud...
So I moved across the country. And I know God had everything taken care of and under control. I'm so grateful for everything He has blessed me with.
Being human, I'll never be perfect. I know I'll need to be reminded of this control issue again, but I also know that even when I try to push God aside, He's always there.
"God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious!"
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