Cornerstone

So today I spent a good chunk of change on test prep books for the Praxis exams that I have to take to be a Speech-Language Pathologist.  My friend asked me, couldn't you just get one book?  I explained that I wish I could just get one book...unfortunately, I'm a terrible test taker.  I'm all registered for the tests...and terrified.  The last six years of my life are going to be decided in taking 2 two and a half hour exams.  I've never understood how you can evaluate someone and make such a huge decision on one or two silly tests!  I've worked hard and studied harder over the last six years of my life.  I know I'm a good therapist...  People I have worked with make progress.  People I've worked with tell me how much they appreciate me.  How can you, ETS, evaluate that?  How can you evaluate my curiosity and interest in research, my bedside manner, and the fact that kids seem to be drawn to me?  You can't...

And I can hear it now, 'you've studied for the last six years, of course you've got it.'  I wish I believed you.  I wish I thought that was true.  However, it comes down to the fact that I have to sit down and take a test...  And I know several people who will confirm that I know all the material forwards and backwards, inside and out, and even upside down before I sit down to take the test.  And yet, once the test is set in front of me everything seems to evaporate out of my head.  Many people say that if you just wait and breathe it'll come back.  A lot of the time it just doesn't...  I do and have used the skip the question and come back strategy and sometimes it is successful for me.  It's one of the few strategies I find that works.  But any computerized test I've ever taken from ETS doesn't let you skip ahead.  And once you sit down, the clock is ticking...

My neuroanatomy professor in undergrad was the first person to actually call me in and ask what was going on.  She knew I paid attention.  I probably took the most detailed notes anyone has ever seen.  And we talked for a long, long time about how things just don't stick on test day.  It got more personal. And eventually it came out that I do have PTSD.  While I've learned to manage, there are things that linger.  It can rewire your brain.  And you have to work really, really hard to get it to where it was before.  So, she gave me some strategies to try to see how we could get me to pass exams with decent grades.  We did find some that work... Unfortunately, they are so very time consuming and can backfire if I let myself stress over how long it is taking me to study each and every thing presented.  See, I have to read through everything again, rewrite my notes, make volumes of flashcards, and then write myself my own version of the test and take it.

And at the moment, I feel defeated all ready.  There's so much material.  So much to go through.  How will I ever feel prepared?

I start pleading with God - please don't tell me You've brought me this far to fail!  I can't fail!  What will I do?

And thus, another lesson in trust began.

So, I will prepare to the best of my ability.  But at the end of the day, I have to let go and just give it to God.  Whatever happens, He still has a plan and He loves me.  And that is enough.  If I don't get the outcome I want, will it be hard?  Of course, but at least I have hope that God's still looking out for me.

"My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus' name

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm 
He is Lord
Lord of all"

Father's Eyes

Feeling convicted this evening over being so negative...  I've been having a pity party for one lately just because things don't go the way that I want them to.  Trying to write lesson plans and do work was not working this evening.  So I went to go read Heather's latest blog post.  (If you don't follow her, you totally should! http://livewithflair.blogspot.com)

Today's post ("I've Lowered My Standards") was exactly what I needed.  She reminds us of how God makes us truly thankful.  She leaves off with the question "Have you learned to be thankful of something you once took for granted?"

Yes.

I'm thankful for the days I can drag myself out of bed and actually have near normal sensation on my right side.  I'm thankful when I can forget about nerve damage and just do all the things I want to do.  I'm thankful that I can walk, even though it looks funny sometimes.  That's okay.  At least I can move!

I think back to a song I sang years ago in church (Father's Eyes by Amy Grant)

"I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world
But that's all right as long as I can have one wish, I pray
When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say

She's got her Father's eyes
Her Father's eyes
Eyes that find the good in things, when good is not around
Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found
Eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain
Knowing what you're going through and feeling it the same
Just like my Father's eyes"

I want that.  Negative people bring everyone around them down with them.  And I don't want to be that person.

I'm not saying that I want to be one of those annoying Christians that never seems to have anything wrong and always has their head in the clouds...  I think there is a time and a place for lamenting.  But that doesn't mean that I have the right to complain constantly about everything.

So, I'm asking God to give me His eyes and teach me to be thankful for what I take for granted.

Lay Me Down

Today was not a good day dealing with pain...

As I've said before, I'm always in pain, but some days are better than others.  And today everything hit me at once at the worst possible moment.

I was already fighting it when I got up this morning, but I went off to go lead worship.  Right before the service started, my back went out.  And I'm not talking just a little bit, but a lot.  I spotted Devon coming in and grabbed her and showed her how to get it back into place.  And it worked, until I got back up to play.  And it went out during the first song, which made me miss switching one of the voices for the keyboard...  Oops... I sucked it up and got back on track, but I really hate messing up.

I spent the time I didn't have to play on the floor, looking for some sort of relief, but nothing was working.  I tried all my stretches and exercises, but nothing helped.

In between services, Stacy, Phil, and Kelly prayed for me.  And then I had Kelly try to help me get it back into place.  And still through the first set, it was just as bad as before.

I decided that okay fine, no matter how I was feeling, I was still going to worship God just as much, despite the pain.  And it became a lesson in no matter how crummy I think things are or how bad I'm feeling, God still is deserving of all of my praise.  And He's still deserving even if my pain doesn't go away.

Before the second set, I'd given up that the pain was going to subside this morning, but I was still going to worship and just give everything over to God.

And you know what?  As I started playing the second set, my pain went away for the rest of the service.  It was all I needed.

I'm currently wearing all my braces.  I hate wearing them...  It still goes back to struggling with being vain and not liking the way they look.  But right now, I don't think I have a choice.  And they're helping me get through.  And all day, I know that even though this sucks, things really could be a lot worse.

I really am truly blessed.  I have so many people who deeply care about me.  I'm still so very grateful that I get to lead worship and be part of a wonderful team.

I don't know why this is something I have to deal with.  I may never know.  It may never go away.  But I'm not going to let it stop me from doing the things that I'm called to do.  As I've explained several times today, it's actually really bad for me to sit around on my injury.  I have to keep moving.  So that's what I'll do.  And I know that God will give me everything I need to do what He's called me to do.  He gave me what I needed and got me through this morning.  And I think it's amazing that He knows exactly what I need.

"I lay me down, I'm not my own
I belong to You alone
Lay me down, lay me down.
Hand on my heart this much is true
There's no life apart from You
Lay me down, lay me down."

Promise of a Lifetime

In Missional Community we talk about the things that hold us back.  We discuss "what things can lead you to think, 'I have nothing to offer...'"

The first one that comes to mind is what I've been.  Since I don't have one of those beautifully "perfect" testimonies, I feel like somehow I can't connect with those who are seeking.  Why?  Because I feel like they would think that I am fake or a hypocrite and I'm just lying to myself about who I am with Jesus - that others wouldn't think that yes, I have been changed.

But I hear God ask, 'what happened when you shared your story with hundreds of people?'

Well...people were really supportive and told me how much they appreciated it and... Oh...

As I thought through this further later on in the evening, I heard Him say 'you're still scared.'  And He's right... I'm still scared and maybe still a little angry for the things that have happened to me.  And I thought I had dealt with all of that and could just move on, but I'm realizing that there are still things that I've buried down so deep that I choose to think are fine and we'll just leave them there.  But leaving it be wasn't going to happen tonight.  And as I often do, I had a bit of a power struggle with God.  (Which is never the best idea...)

-"Fine!  Yes, I am still scared.  How do I know that You're not going to leave me when I need You?"
-"Never will I leave you or forsake you."
"But You weren't there when I needed You.  Didn't You see what happened to me?!"
-"I was there.  I've always been there.  And my heart broke when that happened to you."

And the conversation went on.  Bad things happen because we live in a fallen world.  God never left me.  He was always there waiting for me to stop pushing Him away.

Author Leila Rae Sommerfeld writes that "Worry is anticipating that something bad might happen.  Worry is Satan's lies translated into fear."  She also writes that fear can be crippling, but why be bound by fear of the future?  God's already there.

My friend discusses that we are works in progress.  And just because God's working, doesn't mean He's finished.

I'm glad He's not finished with me.


"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

"I know You're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words You say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime"

The Struggle

So I haven't written in a while.  I could make excuses that I've been far too busy to be bothered with writing, but it would just be an excuse...  It's hard sometimes to make myself write.  Over the past week, I've just felt like I don't want to explore the things that are going on in my life.  If I don't write, then I don't have to think about everything, right?

Wrong...  Though I am often skeptical of personality tests, the Strengths Finders one that I took for Leadership Advance found that my number one strength is "intellection."  Basically, I like to think... I think all the time.  In fact, it is sometimes irritating that I just can't turn my brain off.  That is kinda what I tried to do this week.  The description of intellection sums it up pretty well: "You are introspective...This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontentment as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives."

That's pretty much how I've been feeling.  I have what seems like millions of ideas racing around in my head and each one seems like it'd be cool to try.  I've just always had trouble getting started.  Part of all that thinking involves thinking about all the ways something could go...and all the ways it can fail too.  So by the end of running through a potentially good idea, I've already convinced myself it won't work anyways, so why bother trying?

I guess I just need a push to make those thoughts reality...  If I could just get started on something I could run with it and actually finish.

"Hallelujah
We are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and 
Makes us children
Children, drop your chains and sing"