I Will Follow

So for January, I have given up all my TV shows and computer games.  Why?  Well, a number of people at church are fasting from something through January.  It's certainly given me a lot more time to spend with God.  It's given me a lot of time to ponder the direction of my life, crazy dreams and all.  And yet, there are a couple of those crazy dreams that I feel like God says may not be that crazy at all.  But there is a part of me that is afraid to fail.  What if I go for it and fail?  Can I just put half of the effort in, that way when it does fail I won't be so disappointed?

My worst critic is me.  I've always been terrified of failing and not being perfect.  A constant theme through my life has always been, well if I do x and fail, then everyone will know I'm not perfect and they won't like me anymore.  *gasp*  Wait a minute...  Nobody is perfect!

Probably the turning point for me where I started relaxing the extremely high (and unattainable) standards on myself was my senior year of high school.  Until that point, everything was easy for me.  I had skipped a year of math, I was in all honors and AP classes, etc.  But senior year was calculus, since I skipped a year of math in junior high.  And for the first time, there was a class that was difficult for me.  And I just couldn't grasp it.  And it killed my perfect 4.0 GPA that I had worked so very hard for.  I was devastated.

But then I went off to college.  And quickly discovered that there were a lot of things that were difficult.  And there was no way I was going to maintain a 4.0 ever again, especially because at University of Washington you compete for your grade in most classes.  And if I had tried to do that, I probably would be so burnt out.  Losing the 4.0 at the end of high school made it easier to accept that I was doing the best I could and that was enough.

I guess if you never try something, then you're never going to know what could've happened.  And failure teaches us important lessons.  If I never failed, I wouldn't have learned so many of the lessons who've shaped me into the person I am today.  I think I'd probably be a stressed out disaster.

So, I will jump into whatever is coming and it's not like I have to do it by myself.  I don't... :-)

"Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You"