Beautiful Tonight

A friend of mine posted something about prayers for different Myers-Briggs types.  I'm an INFJ. The rarest in the population actually. Many descriptions of this personality mention how they always seem to never be at peace with themselves. I would have to agree. Why is this?  Well, the prayer for my type was spot on:

"INFJ: Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?)"

I want to be perfect. It's something I struggle with.

In high school, I took all AP and honors classes, striving to be the smartest and the best. Everything was going as planned, until I got to Calculus. Now, I was always good at math. In 8th grade I skipped normal 8th grade math and went straight into 9th grade algebra. I understood it. It made sense. But Calculus was over my head. I didn't get it. I sat in class not understanding a word that was said. I finally had to suck it up and ask for help, but only because I knew my perfect 4.0 GPA was in jeopardy. 

In the end, I had to admit defeat. I just couldn't cut it. My teacher and I worked out extra credit and then I would drop at the semester, but I came out with a B-. And I know, a lot of people would be perfectly happy with that grade in AP Calculus. But I wasn't. It wasn't perfect. And it took my perfect GPA down to a very imperfect 3.97. *gasp*

Looking back, it was probably the best thing that could've happened for me. Had I gone into University of Washington with a perfect GPA, I probably would've had a mental breakdown when I realized I'd have to compete against everyone in 400 person classes for my grade. And let me tell you, I was definitely not the smartest person there. 

Throughout grad school I learned that I could only offer my best and that had to be enough. And if it wasn't, well there was nothing I could do about it. I'm not saying it wasn't stressful, but I think I had a more pleasant time than I could've if I spent every waking minute with my nose buried in work. 

But looking perfect to everyone around me is something I'm still struggling with. 

In communicating, I like to write out everything. I'm more likely to text, message, or email you if I have the opportunity because I can carefully compose my thoughts and articulate them clearly. Please don't hand me the phone and ask me to have a conversation. I stumble all over my words and often I have to say "what?" continuously because I have trouble hearing on the phone. And in person I may not have time to think things out and you might find me stupid. 

It's hard for me to ask for help. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I don't want to admit that I actually need help. I'm supposed to be able to do it all. One example is that I really don't like having to ask for help moving all my keyboard stuff. I do it now because I know that people will do it and if I don't I know I'll probably be on the floor in excruciating pain wishing I had just sucked it up. But it's not something I enjoy doing. 

I want everyone to think I've got everything together. 

I think this song by Krystal Meyers sums it up perfectly (ha) for me:

"Beautiful Tonight"

My eyes have a rosy glaze

(As darkness falls)

I'm dancing on a razor blade

(It's killing me)

Such a dangerous attraction

I'm flirting with fire

A desire reason just can't tame

I'm gonna regret this

It's the shadow inside my mind

And I'm in denial

I'm becoming quite a liar

Does that make me beautiful tonight?

(To someone)

In my sickness can you find me beautiful tonight?

The moonlight plays against my skin

(You found me out)

Midnight sometimes is my only friend

(Don't leave me now)

The hunger it eats me alive

I'm falling, dissolving

It's crawling into my veins

I'm gonna regret this

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, beautiful tonight

I don't want to stay this way forever

Can You make me beautiful tonight?

I think it can be interpreted several different ways, but for me, my desire is to be perfect. And it will kill me. I can lie to get everyone to think things are fine, but if they really knew me, I don't think they'd find me "beautiful." In the end, the artist is asking God if He can make her beautiful tonight.

Yes. 

I'm not perfect and I never will be. But God still loves me and finds me beautiful. I don't have to be perfect. I'm so grateful for that.

If you want to see the prayers for the rest of the personality types, they are here: http://liturgy.co.nz/prayers-for-myers-briggs-types/15978

American Noise

Had one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed. Already knowing what my day looks like and dreading the next ten hours. Having a tendency to be a drama queen I hit snooze and angrily rolled over, grumbling about how much I hate my life.

"If you don't like it, change it."

Change it? How am I supposed to do that? See where I've screwed up everywhere in the last seven years? I can't fix it.

"Then be miserable."

I'm 24. I probably have many, many  years left... Do I want to be miserable for the rest of them?

Well of course not!

"I'm not going to get through this week without You," I prayed. 

"I'm still here."

"Then fix it!"

"Trust Me."

"Oh, God, haven't we gone over this lesson before?"

"Have you learned it?"

"No... But I'm sorry, this is not where I thought I'd be."

Pretty sure God just laughed at that point. But isn't His plan better?

"I gave you these gifts and talents for a reason, Raevynn. Are you using them?"

"No..."

"Why?"

"I don't know where to start."

"Somewhere."

Somewhere... It would be so much easier if I could have full written instructions and maybe some pictures that go along with them. But God doesn't work that way. 

I dragged myself out of bed to go get ready. I wish I could say that magically everything was better and I had at least a list of directions, but that wasn't the case. 

But I do know that God's still here with me. And is forever patient with me even when my attitude sucks. 

I was reminded of this song this morning:

"No matter who you are you’ve got a voice

Why don’t you use it

Sing your own song take all the noise

And make it into music

La da da da

La da da da

La da da daaaa

La da da da

La da da da

La da da daaaaaaa

La da da da lift up your voice

Let love cut through the American noise

La da da da you have a choice

Let love cut through the American noise

You’ve got a voice

Let love cut through the American noise"

Very fitting... Given that I often feel voiceless. And for me, I always feel like a failure as a musician. 

Lots to think about. 

You Alone Can Rescue

"I can't do this without You."

I sat backstage trying not to freak out before leading this morning.  I've gotten so used to singing harmony because that's what I get to do if I get to sing at all.  I can hide behind my keyboards and the tangled mess of cords strewn all over the floor.  But this morning I got to lead a song.  Lead... 

What was I worried about?  Hadn't I led countless songs before back in high school?  On some occasions I got the privilege of leading from the piano with the choir singing with me.  And then I walked away... And I haven't led since then.  Until today...

Funny how my life went off in the wrong direction in a theatre.  And funny how I go to church in a theatre now.  And was going to lead today.

I'm not saying that when I'm up there playing keyboards that I'm not leading worship.  I love it and I'm definitely worshipping.  I just felt the added pressure of now being the one leading the song.  Which, is something that I really wanted.  (And something I still really want to do again.)

But as I sat in the dark backstage, I wasn't so sure about my abilities.  How long had it been since I had sang lead?  A long time... And I tried to remember all my breathing techniques and warm-ups because I sure wasn't going to make it through some of those phrases without them.  And then it dawned on me... I couldn't do it.  I couldn't do it by myself.  

"I can't do this without You.  I need You, " I whispered in the dark.

And God showed up.  He was right there with me.  And I felt calm.  Whatever happened, I was going to worship.  It wasn't a performance.  I wasn't auditioning for anyone.  It was in His hands.

So I went out and worshipped.  Part way through the 2nd verse I jerked the ear bud out of my better ear - I didn't need to hear myself.  It didn't matter.  I was just going to sing like it was only me and God.  And you know what?  I made it through.  My knees may have been shaking slightly, but I made it... And I couldn't have done it without God.  

And I thought I was done with that lesson for the day.  But God had another idea...

I was printing some music when something fell into my lap.  It was the heart piece of the necklace I always wear.  

The necklace is engraved with the date I recommitted my life to Christ.  I have worn it every day since then.  Sometimes I don't take it off at all.  For me, it was a constant reminder that I belong to Jesus.  And it wasn't an easy decision to wear it every day.  If you know anything about me, you would know that I'm obsessed with anything sparkly and glittery.  I have tons of sparkly, glittery necklaces that I could wear instead.  And yet, I haven't worn them in a couple of years.  

Surprisingly when it broke today, I didn't freak out.  I might be a tiny bit disappointed.  I've worn it for so long...  But I felt like it was God's way of saying you don't need that.  I'm always with you.  And by the way, you can stop punishing yourself and take off the Tiffany's ring too...

After my last relationship ended horribly, I got the ring to remind myself I wasn't going to settle ever again.  And while it's worked in keeping me from just going after whatever comes my way, it also keeps me bitter.  

I'm tired of being bitter.  So here's the next step in letting go and moving on.  Perhaps, I shall still wear it from time to time, only because it's pretty, but it's not something I feel like I *have* to do anymore.  

I find again and again how much I need God.  I can't do this alone.

"Who, oh Lord, could save themselves, their own soul could heal?

Our shame was deeper than the sea - Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save

You alone can lift us from the grave

You came down to find us, led us out of death

To You alone belongs the highest praise"