Sinking Deep

"Dear God, if today I lose my hope, please remind me that Your plans are better than my dreams."

"When your past calls, don't answer.  It has nothing new to say."

The past year has been…a little ridiculous.  It's now a running joke that I can only come home when we're tearing up part of the house/shifting bedrooms/remodeling/etc.  There were lots of good things about the year - I finished my research, passed my exams to be a speech-language pathologist, finished my Master's degree, started taking guitar lessons, and found a job.  The biggest praise from the past year is that I don't have to be in pain 24/7 anymore.  A TENS unit/electrical stim has worked wonders for me!

But this year has also been a struggle.  I got hurt at work and will deal with it for the rest of my life.  One of my best friends is gone.  And I miss her so much.  The holidays were rather strange because I kept waiting for her to walk through the door.  And she's not going to.

And then well…let's be honest.  One of my friends put it best - "Opening Facebook around the holidays is more like playing a non-stop game of 'guess who just got engaged.'"  And I am happy for all of my friends.  That's great!  Believe me, I'm trying not to have a pity party for myself.  Most of the time, I'm okay with where I'm at.  But sometimes, like today, the past rears its ugly head and I come face to face with all the crap that's gone on in that arena.

And today, yeah, I've definitely lost my hope.  There are things that I wish I could take back.  Could I please just get a do-over?  And I know that I can't have one and have to watch the way things play out. And to me…it's my fault.

In my whining, one of my friend's reminds me that I can't possibly be powerful enough to mess up God's plan for my life.  I know, I know… But it doesn't stop me from asking 'what if?'  I could drive myself crazy with all the 'what ifs?'

Still having a pity party, I crawled into bed to read Christine Caine's new book - Undaunted.  She writes that life eventually turns all of us upside down and inside out.  But… Christ's love can get you through all the 'emotional earthquakes' that occur through life.  "Love like Christ's can lift you out of betrayal and hurt.  It can deliver you from any mess.  Love like that can release you from every prison of fear and confusion" (Caine).  I kinda lost it right there…

There's a song on the Hillsong Young & Free album that I'll leave you with.  It's my prayer tonight.  I'm already feeling more at peace with everything.  Even though there's still a huge part of me that would like a road map with explicit directions for the rest of my life, I do know that God is in control.  And eventually, everything works out the way it's supposed to.

"Standing here in Your presence 
In a grace so relentless
I am won by perfect love
Wrapped within the arms of heaven
In a peace that lasts forever
Sinking deep in mercy's sea

I'm wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into Your love
Oh, Your love

When I'm lost You pursue me
Lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all, so beautiful
Here in You I find shelter
Captivated by the splendor of Your face
My secret place

Your love so deep is washing over me
Your face is all I seek
You are my everything
Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
Lord, hear my only cry
To know You all my life"



Caine, Christine. Undaunted: Daring to Do What God Calls You to Do. Grand Rapids, Mich:
             Zondervan, 2012. Print.

Gracious Tempest

This past weekend was an incredible experience!  I was able to go to the Hillsong Conference in New York City!

Recently, I've expressed how defeated I feel about everything in my life.  I've been ready to give up.  Maybe I was wrong and God isn't calling me to do things in music.  Upon arriving at Radio City Music Hall, I plunked down in my seat and looked at the spectacular set up on stage.  Immediately I began comparing myself and my piano skills, as I tend to do, and finding that I was insignificant.  (As I've said before...you will never hear the words "I think I'm a fantastic pianist" come out of my mouth.)  I already felt frustrated... I would just die to have that keyboard set up and the talent to use it.

I tend to have dramatic conversations with myself (is anyone really surprised?) and felt that why bother?  There will always be someone better than me.

I also tend to challenge God...which never works out super well for me...

"Why bother, God?"

Oops...probably shouldn't have done that.

"I gave you your talent for a reason."

"Why would you want to listen to me?  The keyboardists here are phenomenal.  And since I'm already asking for it anyways, have you heard my mother play?  Why would you want to listen to me over her?"

(Side note... I really do think my mother is the most amazing pianist in the world.  And I've heard and seen more pianists than I could count and time and time again I find myself thinking that she plays it better and with infinitely more expression than I've ever seen anyone play with.)  Anyways...

After asking the question bitterly, my eyes filled with tears.  And I got a vision of God just sitting...listening and watching me play the piano.  And enjoying it.

"Raevynn, I love listening to you play."

"Really?"

"I gave you your talent and skill set for a reason.  I don't want you to be your mother, incredible as she is.  I want you to be you."

I don't think I've ever cried so much during worship.  I certainly don't when I lead.  I can't fall apart then, but I wasn't leading so there was nothing stopping me.  Honestly though, I don't think I could've stopped the tears if I wanted to at that point.

I realized that I am so blessed to have grown up with a mom who is a fantastic pianist.  I realize that yes, she is amazing.  And I will never be her, but I get to learn from her.  I got to watch, listen, and learn from the keyboardists at the conference.  They also put a lot of their stuff online so you can see how they do everything.  It's a blessing to not be the best.  I will have someone to look up to and learn from.  I hope to continue to grow as a musician and develop my skills.  I would be a poor steward of the gifts God gave me if I didn't continue to strive to give my best.

"Your love is crashing over me,
It's surging like a raging sea.
Immerse me in the wonder of Your love.
A downpour of unending grace,
Consuming all my reckless ways.
My sin submerged,
Your love has saved my soul.

Your love is like a storm."

Lifeline

So Hillsong Young and Free just released their first album and it's pretty awesome! As of right now, "Lifeline" is my favorite track. The chorus says:

"You took me from the wayside, called me Your own

Throwing me a lifeline, You carried me home

Jesus, You're all I want, You're all I want

Over the horizon is where I look beyond

You're the silver lining breaking through the storm

Jesus, You're all I want, You're all I want"

Lately, so many other things have just been distractions. I'm tired... I'm really tired of defending myself and what I really want and feel called to do. I'm tired of explaining and I'm really tired of fighting. 

I have always picked the safe route. I don't go after what I want because I feel like I'll just fail. But picking the safe route hasn't made me happy. 

Don't get me wrong, I like what I do. But lately I've been kicking myself for not going into music. And why didn't I? Because it's not safe. And I always do the responsible thing. Because I looked up at professional female musicians and realized just how much they sacrifice - relationships, families, etc. And that scared me because I don't want to be alone. 

Lately though, I'm realizing that that shouldn't be my goal and what I pour my hope into. The end goal is not that I get married and that's it - I'll live happily ever after. No... Being with Jesus is the end game. Why is it so often that I'm worried about some potential relationship or lack of one? Shouldn't Jesus be all I want?

All the time I've spent worrying is a waste. And lately I'm just annoyed at myself for worrying about such stupid things. I've reached a point where it's like okay... I don't care anymore! God, I will let go of everything. I want to do what You put me here for. I don't know what that involves, but I'll do it if You're there with me. 

And I know He will be.

I'm not saying that I'm not still insecure about it or that I'm not going to think about these things ever again... Come on, I spend at least one evening a week watching a dumb wedding show with my roommate and while we make fun of it to some extent, there's still the *sigh* I want to wear the big poofy princess dress! When's it my turn?! (And yes critics (you know who you are!) mine will be blue! Why? Cuz I can! And honestly, when am I not trying to push the fashion envelope...)

Our God gives us second chances. And while I may think I've thrown everything off course, that's not true. So...here's to figuring out where to go from here.

"And oh, You are my hope

Jesus forever, You've forgiven my failures

You are my hope

You never let go

Jesus forever, You've forgiven my failures"

Cornerstone

You know that question they ask you at the doctor when you're experiencing pain?

"On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being little to no pain and 10 being excruciating, how is your pain?"

Yeah...  These days I'm at about a 6 constantly.  I was telling someone last night that I don't often let on how much I really hurt.  And by the time I'm telling you that "I hurt," I'm at excruciating.  This particular morning, I woke up and if I had to put a number on it, I'd say probably 8-9, so let's just say 8.5.

Last night, I was going over "Cornerstone" (Hillsong) and the chorus really jumped out at me.  I've played this song a million times, or so it seems, and I like it, but it's never had a huge impact on me or anything.  But for whatever reason last night, it became so meaningful and precious to me.  The words of the chorus are:

"Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all"

Wow...  He is still with me, always.  Even when I'm mad about the situation I'm in.

"I'm still here."

I know that in the past week, I've been learning that I really can't do it on my own.  It's a lesson I keep coming back to, but right now I just have to trust that He will give me enough strength to get through what I need to today.  And He's going to be right there the whole way.

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Yesterday I got my MRI results... There were things I expected, disc issues, nerve damage, yada yada I know and have heard it all before. But I wasn't prepared for the surprise that showed up. 

"You have arthritis."

What? I'm in my mid twenties... How do I have arthritis??

And since getting hurt in dance two years ago, I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain anymore... And now with this, it doesn't look like I'll ever get there.

What can I do? More physical therapy... Yay... 

More than anything I just wanted to hear that it was going to get better. Will I ever be a prima ballerina? No...but I wanted to dance again. I try not to let it interfere with my life and how active I want to be. I can usually do everything I want to do. I may pay for it later, but oh well.

It would be nice to be able to at least lift all my own gear. I'm very grateful to the guys who have stepped up and helped me move my keyboard where I need it. But I don't like to be a burden or really ask for help at all because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else. 

Last night I still went out with my friends and hung out with my awesome roommate afterwards. But later in the evening I called my parents. 

"Sounds like a character building disease," said Dad.

"That's nice... I didn't want anymore of that!"

And I messaged my friend later, who I knew would understand the "I'm only this old and I have x I'm too young for this." And she pointed out that obviously God has something for us to learn.

Well, I can't say that I'm doing a wonderful job so far. After being more of a klutz than usual this morning and then getting stuck in traffic on the way to work, I was a little done and let God know exactly how I felt about the whole thing... Yeah... I have some things to learn. 

It just comes back to the lesson of trust. I have to trust that God is going to get me through each and every day. If I don't, I don't know that I'll make it. Actually, I know I won't make it on my own strength. 

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior"

The lessons you taught me

If you haven't heard yet, one of my best friends is gone.  My grandma went to be with Jesus on 8/18.  I still can't believe she's gone and at home just almost expected her to walk through the door.  I really miss her.  She taught me so much.

Most people don't have the kind of relationship I have with my grandparents.  My mom's parents lived next door to me growing up and long after we moved out of those houses, they were never very far away.  With all our crazy schedules, they usually picked us up after school at least once a week (and there was always candy in the car.)  When I broke my arm, my grandma was the one who dragged me to all my PT appointments and made me laugh even when it hurt.  They came to all my dance recitals, piano recitals, voice recitals, violin recitals, community theatre shows, and every single school concert.

I think one of the first things I remember is my grandma, who was always so patient, teaching me how to knit.  I was about 5.  She had warned me that it wasn't easy, but I *really* wanted to learn, so she agreed to teach me.  Not being the most patient person, I eventually got frustrated and chucked my knitting needles across the room.  Instead of being mad, she just put it all away for a little while and we tried again later.  Eventually I learned.  Then I wanted to learn how to sew...  I had an antique Singer sewing machine and she taught me how to use it and then helped quite a bit with my mom's Christmas present - new placemats and cloth napkins.  And really, the only reason they looked halfway decent was because she helped me so much.  (My nickname at the sewing machine was 'leadfoot.')  My grandma could sew anything.  She made me the dress for my favorite Halloween costume - Nancy Drew.

She taught me many important life lessons too.  The pastor at the service put it this way - it's best to look through the windshield and not the rearview mirror.  My grandma did not have a happy upbringing.  We didn't discuss it and she didn't complain about it...ever.  In fact, my grandma didn't complain or whine about anything.  Her childhood was never an excuse to behave poorly as an adult.  She never blamed anything on her crummy childhood.  I have difficulty feeling sorry for people who blame their choices and their actions on the fact that they had a crappy childhood/upbringing.  I'm sorry.  That sucks.  Move on.  Make your life better.  She and my grandpa taught me that you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you keep going.  Is life unfair?  Yes.  But you make the most of the cards you've been dealt.

And the most important lesson she and my grandpa taught me?  Love.

My favorite definition of 'love' is the one Brad Henning uses - "Love is choosing the highest good for the other person."  My grandparents were a shining example of how that works.  Henning's definition shows that love is not a feeling.  Feelings are fickle.  Love is a choice.  And you choose to put that other person first...or you don't and your marriage falls apart.  Anyways, my grandparents were married for 61 years.  And I know that they truly loved each other.  My grandma lived her life as a homemaker. She took excellent care of their house.  She made sure everything ran smoothly in their home.  She took good care of my grandpa and he did the same for her.  I'll never forget when she had hip and knee replacement surgery, he gave her a pedicure to make her feel better.

And when she got sick with Alzheimer's...none of us knew.  He compensated so much for her and for several years we didn't even know she had it.  He chose the highest good for her - letting her continue to live normally.  He was always by her side, even staying the night at the hospital in a chair so that she wouldn't be scared and no one would mess up her medication.  And he was there holding her hand when she met Jesus.

The older I get, the more concerned people seem to be over whether or not I'm married or engaged or even have any prospects.  The answer is no...to all of those questions.  I want what my grandparents have and I don't intend on settling for less.

I miss her so much.  But I know she's not in pain anymore and she's with her Savior.  And I'll see her again someday.

Beautiful Tonight

A friend of mine posted something about prayers for different Myers-Briggs types.  I'm an INFJ. The rarest in the population actually. Many descriptions of this personality mention how they always seem to never be at peace with themselves. I would have to agree. Why is this?  Well, the prayer for my type was spot on:

"INFJ: Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?)"

I want to be perfect. It's something I struggle with.

In high school, I took all AP and honors classes, striving to be the smartest and the best. Everything was going as planned, until I got to Calculus. Now, I was always good at math. In 8th grade I skipped normal 8th grade math and went straight into 9th grade algebra. I understood it. It made sense. But Calculus was over my head. I didn't get it. I sat in class not understanding a word that was said. I finally had to suck it up and ask for help, but only because I knew my perfect 4.0 GPA was in jeopardy. 

In the end, I had to admit defeat. I just couldn't cut it. My teacher and I worked out extra credit and then I would drop at the semester, but I came out with a B-. And I know, a lot of people would be perfectly happy with that grade in AP Calculus. But I wasn't. It wasn't perfect. And it took my perfect GPA down to a very imperfect 3.97. *gasp*

Looking back, it was probably the best thing that could've happened for me. Had I gone into University of Washington with a perfect GPA, I probably would've had a mental breakdown when I realized I'd have to compete against everyone in 400 person classes for my grade. And let me tell you, I was definitely not the smartest person there. 

Throughout grad school I learned that I could only offer my best and that had to be enough. And if it wasn't, well there was nothing I could do about it. I'm not saying it wasn't stressful, but I think I had a more pleasant time than I could've if I spent every waking minute with my nose buried in work. 

But looking perfect to everyone around me is something I'm still struggling with. 

In communicating, I like to write out everything. I'm more likely to text, message, or email you if I have the opportunity because I can carefully compose my thoughts and articulate them clearly. Please don't hand me the phone and ask me to have a conversation. I stumble all over my words and often I have to say "what?" continuously because I have trouble hearing on the phone. And in person I may not have time to think things out and you might find me stupid. 

It's hard for me to ask for help. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I don't want to admit that I actually need help. I'm supposed to be able to do it all. One example is that I really don't like having to ask for help moving all my keyboard stuff. I do it now because I know that people will do it and if I don't I know I'll probably be on the floor in excruciating pain wishing I had just sucked it up. But it's not something I enjoy doing. 

I want everyone to think I've got everything together. 

I think this song by Krystal Meyers sums it up perfectly (ha) for me:

"Beautiful Tonight"

My eyes have a rosy glaze

(As darkness falls)

I'm dancing on a razor blade

(It's killing me)

Such a dangerous attraction

I'm flirting with fire

A desire reason just can't tame

I'm gonna regret this

It's the shadow inside my mind

And I'm in denial

I'm becoming quite a liar

Does that make me beautiful tonight?

(To someone)

In my sickness can you find me beautiful tonight?

The moonlight plays against my skin

(You found me out)

Midnight sometimes is my only friend

(Don't leave me now)

The hunger it eats me alive

I'm falling, dissolving

It's crawling into my veins

I'm gonna regret this

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, beautiful tonight

I don't want to stay this way forever

Can You make me beautiful tonight?

I think it can be interpreted several different ways, but for me, my desire is to be perfect. And it will kill me. I can lie to get everyone to think things are fine, but if they really knew me, I don't think they'd find me "beautiful." In the end, the artist is asking God if He can make her beautiful tonight.

Yes. 

I'm not perfect and I never will be. But God still loves me and finds me beautiful. I don't have to be perfect. I'm so grateful for that.

If you want to see the prayers for the rest of the personality types, they are here: http://liturgy.co.nz/prayers-for-myers-briggs-types/15978

American Noise

Had one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed. Already knowing what my day looks like and dreading the next ten hours. Having a tendency to be a drama queen I hit snooze and angrily rolled over, grumbling about how much I hate my life.

"If you don't like it, change it."

Change it? How am I supposed to do that? See where I've screwed up everywhere in the last seven years? I can't fix it.

"Then be miserable."

I'm 24. I probably have many, many  years left... Do I want to be miserable for the rest of them?

Well of course not!

"I'm not going to get through this week without You," I prayed. 

"I'm still here."

"Then fix it!"

"Trust Me."

"Oh, God, haven't we gone over this lesson before?"

"Have you learned it?"

"No... But I'm sorry, this is not where I thought I'd be."

Pretty sure God just laughed at that point. But isn't His plan better?

"I gave you these gifts and talents for a reason, Raevynn. Are you using them?"

"No..."

"Why?"

"I don't know where to start."

"Somewhere."

Somewhere... It would be so much easier if I could have full written instructions and maybe some pictures that go along with them. But God doesn't work that way. 

I dragged myself out of bed to go get ready. I wish I could say that magically everything was better and I had at least a list of directions, but that wasn't the case. 

But I do know that God's still here with me. And is forever patient with me even when my attitude sucks. 

I was reminded of this song this morning:

"No matter who you are you’ve got a voice

Why don’t you use it

Sing your own song take all the noise

And make it into music

La da da da

La da da da

La da da daaaa

La da da da

La da da da

La da da daaaaaaa

La da da da lift up your voice

Let love cut through the American noise

La da da da you have a choice

Let love cut through the American noise

You’ve got a voice

Let love cut through the American noise"

Very fitting... Given that I often feel voiceless. And for me, I always feel like a failure as a musician. 

Lots to think about. 

You Alone Can Rescue

"I can't do this without You."

I sat backstage trying not to freak out before leading this morning.  I've gotten so used to singing harmony because that's what I get to do if I get to sing at all.  I can hide behind my keyboards and the tangled mess of cords strewn all over the floor.  But this morning I got to lead a song.  Lead... 

What was I worried about?  Hadn't I led countless songs before back in high school?  On some occasions I got the privilege of leading from the piano with the choir singing with me.  And then I walked away... And I haven't led since then.  Until today...

Funny how my life went off in the wrong direction in a theatre.  And funny how I go to church in a theatre now.  And was going to lead today.

I'm not saying that when I'm up there playing keyboards that I'm not leading worship.  I love it and I'm definitely worshipping.  I just felt the added pressure of now being the one leading the song.  Which, is something that I really wanted.  (And something I still really want to do again.)

But as I sat in the dark backstage, I wasn't so sure about my abilities.  How long had it been since I had sang lead?  A long time... And I tried to remember all my breathing techniques and warm-ups because I sure wasn't going to make it through some of those phrases without them.  And then it dawned on me... I couldn't do it.  I couldn't do it by myself.  

"I can't do this without You.  I need You, " I whispered in the dark.

And God showed up.  He was right there with me.  And I felt calm.  Whatever happened, I was going to worship.  It wasn't a performance.  I wasn't auditioning for anyone.  It was in His hands.

So I went out and worshipped.  Part way through the 2nd verse I jerked the ear bud out of my better ear - I didn't need to hear myself.  It didn't matter.  I was just going to sing like it was only me and God.  And you know what?  I made it through.  My knees may have been shaking slightly, but I made it... And I couldn't have done it without God.  

And I thought I was done with that lesson for the day.  But God had another idea...

I was printing some music when something fell into my lap.  It was the heart piece of the necklace I always wear.  

The necklace is engraved with the date I recommitted my life to Christ.  I have worn it every day since then.  Sometimes I don't take it off at all.  For me, it was a constant reminder that I belong to Jesus.  And it wasn't an easy decision to wear it every day.  If you know anything about me, you would know that I'm obsessed with anything sparkly and glittery.  I have tons of sparkly, glittery necklaces that I could wear instead.  And yet, I haven't worn them in a couple of years.  

Surprisingly when it broke today, I didn't freak out.  I might be a tiny bit disappointed.  I've worn it for so long...  But I felt like it was God's way of saying you don't need that.  I'm always with you.  And by the way, you can stop punishing yourself and take off the Tiffany's ring too...

After my last relationship ended horribly, I got the ring to remind myself I wasn't going to settle ever again.  And while it's worked in keeping me from just going after whatever comes my way, it also keeps me bitter.  

I'm tired of being bitter.  So here's the next step in letting go and moving on.  Perhaps, I shall still wear it from time to time, only because it's pretty, but it's not something I feel like I *have* to do anymore.  

I find again and again how much I need God.  I can't do this alone.

"Who, oh Lord, could save themselves, their own soul could heal?

Our shame was deeper than the sea - Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save

You alone can lift us from the grave

You came down to find us, led us out of death

To You alone belongs the highest praise" 

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You know what never ceases to amaze me?  Every time I open up my Bible to do my daily devotional, it's exactly what I need to hear.  And today, my mentor left me a note with a verse I needed to hear.  ("God will meet all of your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19) Coincidence?  I don't think so...

I've been mad the last couple of weeks.  And the thing is, most everything is going great in my life.  I have my Master's degree.  I'm on my way to being a fully certified Speech-Language Pathologist.  I have the most amazing friends here.  And yet, there's a few things here and there that steal my joy and make me feel completely helpless...and hopeless.  The biggest one is dealing with someone I love so very much having Alzheimer's.

What a horrible disease.  It's like a living death.  I can't think of anything worse than watching as your loved one is still there...but not there.  When they don't recognize where they are.  When their mind tells them that they should be paranoid and angry.  And even worse is when they no longer know who you are.

The worst part is...I feel extremely guilty because I'm not there.

I'm called to be here.  I know that deep down.  I don't know for how long.  I don't have all the answers or everything figured out.  But I know for this moment, that I'm meant to be here.  Perhaps forever.

In the last couple of weeks, while I've been mad, I've felt God asking me if I will just trust Him and take the next step...whatever that may be.  Being stubborn (and did I mention I was mad?), my response has been 'if I have to.'  Well...that's not good enough.  Because He keeps asking.

"Why don't you trust Me?"

Because I'm always disappointed.

My dear friend talks to me about hoping.  How the D and C parts of my overly complicated D/CS personality make it so I plan for everything to go wrong and have a solution for every possible awful situation and nothing turns out the way I want it, but at least I have 47 million back-up plans.  How this makes me feel "safe" because I have logically thought through every combination of terribleness in order to protect myself from disappointment.  I am being reasonable, I explain to her.  No, you are not hoping.  That is not hope.  It's okay to hope for what you actually want.

"Are you always disappointed?"

When I really think about it...no.

While I may be disappointed from time to time, I always find that God's plan and His timing are, in fact, perfect.  At the time I may not be able to see through the pain, but in the end it all turns out okay.

Sure, those relationships that ended caused a lot of disappointment.  But has it lasted?  No... I can say that I'm happy they're over.

Was not getting into my first two choices for grad school disappointing?  Yeah... But I wouldn't trade going to Penn State for anything now.

Time and time again, I've found that God's looking out for me.  Why should I worry?

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."  (1 Peter 5:6-7)

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." (Romans 8:24-25)

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."  (John 16:33)

"So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters 
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger 
In the presence of my Savior"

As You Go

This week has been...well, one of those weeks.  I can't even begin to put into words the disappointment and frustration I'm feeling.

I don't have much to say at the moment other than sharing the song that came on this morning as I went to work.  It's what I'm clinging to at the moment...

"The world I know can hate you

The world I know can break you

But as you go remember I'm by your side

The love within you can heal these tears that burn

And through it all remember I'm by your side

As you go"

God, I know that to be true.  You've brought me through much, much worse than a silly week like this. I'll hold on to that.

Pray You Through

So at the beginning of April, I quietly changed my Facebook profile picture to a teal ribbon.  But I didn't say anything about it.  I just let people think what they wanted to and left it at that.  The teal ribbon can stand for a lot of different things.

April is sexual assault awareness month.

It's meant to start a conversation about it.  I'm always still surprised about the misconceptions people have about sexual assault and rape.  I've gotten fed up with conversations and simply walked off to go cool off somewhere else.

Let me give you some statistics...

About Victims

• 44% of victims are under age 18
• 80% are under age 30

Sexual Assault Numbers

• Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted
• There is an average of 207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of sexual assault each year

Reporting to Police

• 54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police
• 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail

About Rapists

• Approximately 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim
• 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance

(from http://www.rainn.org/statistics)

It's not pretty.  And it's not just an issue for women.  Men can be victims too.

I don't have a solution to making it "better."  One of the first times I shared my story, someone asked me what's the best thing to do when someone shares their story with you?

Believe them.

Just believe them.

Don't try to solve it.  You can't.  There are no words to say.  But they're sharing it with you because they trust you and they just want someone to believe them.  And listen.  And just be there.  

Which is so hard.  It's awkward when you feel like you don't know what to say.  But really, they don't expect you to say much of anything.

It seems so simple.  Just believe them?  Honestly though, many people won't believe them.  

In fact, the first and only time I reported, guess what happened?  They didn't believe me.  My integrity was called into question.  My parents did everything they could to fight for me.  But the school didn't care.  I was 13.

So next time something happened to me, did I report it?  Of course not.  When something like that happens you already feel worthless, so what good does it do to go report it when they'll just make you feel even worse?

So...if someone shares with you, just believe them.  And support them.  If they want to report it and press charges, support them.  If they don't want to, support them.

And know that you can't fix it.  They can't fix it either.  Counseling helps a lot.  But really, the only thing that's going to help someone heal is Jesus.

"I'm all out of words
There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through"

A Beautiful Life

It's been a while since I've written anything!

Today, I started subbing long term.  It's really awesome how finally after 6 long years of hard work, I get to actually do what I was trained to do!

I used to say "patience is a virtue...I don't have!"  As I've talked about before, I'm really not patient...at all.  But something must be changing.  I find that I am learning.  God keeps bringing the lesson around and I realize that He's going to until I learn it.

Today, I was teaching how to answer "how" questions.  One of the questions was "how do you tie your shoes?"

Silence.

"Just tell me the steps.  One at a time," I encouraged.

"I don't know how."

That broke my heart.  How are you supposed to tell someone the steps to tie a shoe if you've never been taught?

"Would you like me to teach you?"

Two little eyes, full of wonder, watched intently as I slowly walked through the steps.

"Now you try."

Those little eyes concentrated hard on the two strings.  And after a couple of attempts - success!

"You did it!"

I don't know who had a bigger smile...

I'm so glad that I'm learning how to be patient.  If I wasn't learning, I wouldn't have experienced that moment.  I would've simply tied the shoe because I was in a hurry and moved on.

I should stop hurrying...

"A beautiful life
is unfolding before my eyes"

You Can

So I finally got around to actually sitting down and writing something today... It's been years since I've actually finished a song.  My favorite one is the one I wrote when I was 15, so obviously it's been a while...

But for the last several hours, I've just been writing.  And it's not easy.  I did finish a song, but I spent the time begging for the words to come.  And they did slowly.  It's honest.  I don't know if anyone will actually like it or anything, but it's a start.

Basically, I'm learning that God can take all the mess that my life is and use it.  That's so awesome!

We finished our affirming activity in Missional Community last night (the one where I had to go last, remember?)

Here are the words that people believe to be true about me:

• Artist
• Assertive
• Authentic
• Called
• Committed
• Controlled
• Creative
• Deliberate
• Determined
• Encouraging
• Genuine
• Gifted
• Honest
• Influential
• Listening Heart
• Loyal
• Meek
• Organized
• Original
• Passionate
• Real
• Risk-taker
• Sacrificial
• Secure
• Strong
• Sympathetic
• Talented
• Watchful

That's quite a list...  And I admit to tearing up a bit.  It was so amazing to hear what other people see in me because I'm often overly critical of myself.  The top one was talented.  I forget that I am talented.  There are so many other people out there who have a great deal of talent and sometimes I forget that I am too.  Determined and strong were high up there too.  Sonia started the tears when she said she picked determined because she sees how I keep pushing through and keep on going even when it's really hard.  And maybe the oddest one was risk-taker...at first.  But Ash explained why he picked it.  He talked about how there are a lot of things that are scary for me.  And I could go hide in a corner and never see anybody again, but I force myself to do a lot of scary things.

I guess this post might seem like it's all over the place.  And I'll admit that it kind of is, but at the same time, I'm figuring out just how much I am cared for by the people around me and God.  God has blessed me so much here.  And I'm so thankful that He can use me and He's not done with me yet.

"I know You see me in the dark
And hear me crying out
I know that You've given me life
I can't feel worthless now
I feel You here
Reaching for me
Yes, I'll take Your hand
I surrender
Everything
You can use my life"

http://raevynnnicole.bandcamp.com/track/you-can

Beautiful, Beautiful

Day 10!

I can't believe I made it!  And now it seemed to go so fast.  Waking up before the sun came up to be with God wasn't easy, but it was the best possible way to start the day.  And I'll continue to do it.

Since the beginning of the year, I can tell that I've been changing...a lot.  There have been a lot of things that haven't been easy.  Going through this fast this last week was quite difficult.  I had trouble sleeping this week.  From time to time, I have trouble sleeping thanks to PTSD and nightmares.  Usually, it doesn't happen a whole lot anymore.  But this week, the nightmares came back.  And I woke up completely freaked out and it took a long time for me to convince myself things were fine and I could go back to sleep.  As unpleasant as it was, it's further proof that I'm getting closer to God and cutting things out of my life that don't need to be there.  The enemy is not happy with me.

At The Flood prayer gathering last night at Calvary, I talked to Lynn and Lisa about some of the things going on and they prayed for me.  And prayed that I wouldn't have these nightmares.  I'm so grateful for them.  And I'm happy to say that last night was free of nightmares...

I'm so excited to keep moving forward.  I can't wait to see what's coming next!

"Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace" 

All Around Me

I woke up to this verse today:

"Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things."  (Ecclesiastes 11:5)

I like to plan.  I usually like to have everything figured out down to the last minute and mundane detail. Oh and then of course you have to plan for it to go wrong anyways, so I plan for every other scenario as well.

Today, this verse was so comforting.  My internship is up soon.  I'm graduating in only a few short weeks.  And...then what?  I've always been in school.  I don't know anything different.  I feel like the life I've had in college and grad school has been fairly easy to control.  I plan the classes that I want and set up my perfect little schedule.  I know what steps I have to do to get to where I want to go.  But going out into the real world?  Yikes...

I'm quickly figuring out that I can't plan everything out perfectly.  Of course I'm putting in the effort to search for a job and get things taken care of.  But, this verse reminded me that I don't have all the answers.  And I don't have to.  I will trust that things will work out the way God wants them to.

I'm looking forward to the next adventure.

"I can feel You all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to You
Now You own me
All I am
You said You would never leave me
I believe You
I believe"

Lead Me to the Cross

Day 6...

More surrendering.  Oh, how I hate giving up control.  I like to be the boss.  I also know that I fall into the trap of treating God like Santa Claus.  Give me what I want, when I want it, and I wanted it five minutes ago...

But that's not what He's there for.  I mean, sure, He's fine with it when I ask for things.  However, I don't get to tell Him when to do it and that this is what I want and if you don't give it to me I'm going to be really unhappy and throw a fit about it.

So I took the time this morning to surrender.  What do you want from me, God?

The instructions were to go do something that made you feel closer to God.  It could be going on a walk, just sitting and waiting, listening to worship songs, etc.  Well, for me I feel closest to God when I'm worshipping.  I went and sat down at my keyboard and pulled out one of the many books I have of worship songs and just started playing and singing.  Waiting...

And at first I didn't hear Him.

"Please speak to me," I begged.

And I waited...

Nothing yet...so I kept playing.  Song after song.

And at some point, I got frustrated with the music and having to either transpose in my head or flip awkwardly between the part of a guy's singing range that I have and a normal female range.

"Why doesn't anybody write anything that a girl can sing?!"

I flipped the book over, where it shows the contents of it.  It was one of those books that's something like "top worship songs of x year."  I think I picked up the 2009-2010 one.  Out of the 20-25 songs they picked, do you know how many were girl songs?

Two.

And before I go on, let me tell you something (and this will make some of you cringe...)  I don't consider myself a "feminist."  So I'm not going to start a rant on that topic, but out of all the songs that were probably released that year, there were only two worth including in the book?

And when I thought about it...the songs I often go to to sing or play are often songs written and/or sang by a guy.  Why?  I'm not sure, but I often find that I don't like many of the songs female artists are releasing.  And there aren't even that many to begin with.  And even though the song for the title today "Lead Me to the Cross" was written by and usually performed by a female, do you know what version they had in the book?  A cover version...for guys.  Really?

I guess to continue my thoughts from yesterday, where are the female artists?

"Where are you?"

I heard Him in my frustration.

"I'm right here," I snapped.  Still frustrated.

"Write."

I felt like being a smart mouth and asking God if He had read my blog yesterday.  Don't you know it's harder for me because I'm a girl?

"Is this what You really want from me?"

And at that moment, I burst into tears.  I knew the answer already.  What would I have to give up?  Who would I disappoint?

I read the words to "Lead Me to the Cross" again.

"Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down
Rid me of myself 
I belong to You
Oh lead me
Lead me to the cross"

Rid me of myself... I belong to You.

"Okay, God.  I surrender."

Sick of It

A friend posted an article today about how women aren't equals in music leadership and innovation.  I found myself saying, well I'm glad somebody else noticed too.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being on Broadway.  I wanted to be the star in musicals.  I knew I was good.  I was a triple threat.  (Meaning I could act, sing, and dance.)  But, I quickly found out that being "good" doesn't cut it sometimes.  You may be the best person at that audition, but there are many, many other factors that play against you.  Perhaps some people reading will think that I am quite full of myself and am probably just bitter because other people beat me out.  I'm not bitter at all...anymore.  I've learned not to be.

However, I found time and time again that girls are a dime a dozen when it comes to theatre.  Even opera, which would be my next pursuit.  I once auditioned for third tier chorus for Seattle Opera.  Third tier...  Do you know how many spots there were for women?  Two.  Just two.  Do you know how many women auditioned?  Probably hundreds.

I gave up those dreams a while ago.  I don't care for the lifestyle, but that's another story.  I also didn't think I would be able to handle the constant rejection.  And wondering if I really am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, talented enough.  The list goes on and on.

Before I go on, I want to say that it is not my intent to diminish other people's rejection.  Rejection sucks.  Period.

I did find that it seemed as if guys had it easier.  There were far more spots available for third tier opera chorus.  And far fewer men auditioned for them.  It always seems that shows (be it musicals or plays) are always scrambling for more guys.  Can you dance?  No?  How about move?  Great!  And if you could carry a tune then that's an added bonus!

I found myself irritated during one of the shows I did.  Why?  Because I had a bigger part and naturally had to go to a zillion rehearsals.  There were guys who had to attend very few rehearsals.  And you know what?  We got paid almost exactly the same.  Could I say anything about how it seemed unfair?  No, because there would instantly be ten, twenty, or more girls ready to take the spot that I had.

Why am I dragging all this up?  Well, at the Removing the Stones retreat, one of the leaders prayed with me.  And she felt that I hated myself...because I'm a girl.

Woah... It was never something I'd actually thought of.  Sure, I've always wanted to hang out with the guys and do whatever they were doing.  I get along far better with guys than I do with girls, but I never acknowledged what she pointed out to me.

I hate being a girl.

I love dressing up.  I love putting on make up and doing girly things.  I'm NOT saying I want to be a boy or I wish I was because I don't.  I simply hate being a girl because I feel powerless.  And weak.  And somehow less valuable than a man.

The whole article made me think about my frustrations even more when it comes to music.  I've always wanted to have a band/be in a band.  I tried so hard in high school and then just gave up in college.  It's the boys that get to go jam and have fun.  For me, it was frustrating that there weren't a bunch of girls who could also play a bunch of instruments.  I still don't know many girls who do.  I love learning new instruments.  Teach me how to play everything!

Sometimes, I feel like because I am a girl, I don't get to do x because I'm not one of the guys.  I know it's probably not intentional.  And I know just based on the girls that I do know that girls who actually want to do that stuff might be a little harder to come by.  (And if I'm wrong, and I hope I am, I would love to know!)

That leader told me that God didn't make a mistake when He made me female.  He gave me the gifts I have and my personality for a reason.  He doesn't want me to feel bad about myself because somehow I'm "less."  I'm not.  But, she told me that I do need to embrace my femininity.  And figure out how to use these gifts too, without selling myself short.

I'm sick of hating myself for feeling this way.

Ironically, the song for my title today is by Skillet.  They have a girl drummer.  And a girl keyboardist who also gets to play rhythm guitar too.  Pretty awesome, if you ask me.

There's hope for me after all.  :-)

"Are you sick of it?
Raise your hands,
Get rid of it!
While there's a fighting chance.
Are you over it?
Bored to death?
Have you had enough regret?
Take a stand, raise your hands...
If you're sick of it!"

Beautiful Things

I like this song...a lot.  I was happy to see that it was the song for today's devo time.

"You make me new
You are making me new"

I fully believe that.  Today, when I started to doubt myself, I went back to the verses I found yesterday and reread them.  I reminded myself that they are true.  I can see the changes He is making in me.

Last night in Missional Community, we were doing an activity where each of us talked about what we see in a specific person.  Pieces of paper with each person's name were shuffled and a random order was selected.  Because you can't rush these things, not everyone got their turn last night.  Now, I didn't know the order, but once the papers were shuffled, I had the feeling that I was going to be last.  Why?  Because I'm working on this whole patience thing and I thought that since I'm so anxious just to get it over with, of course my name would be the last one.

The first name was called, then the next...and the next...and the next...and pretty soon we were out of time.  I hadn't been called.  Our leader, Ash, said we would finish the rest next time and as he went to put the papers away I asked him "Is my name last?"

Turns out it was!  I was slightly frustrated because I hate waiting, but I also couldn't help laughing.  Okay, God, we can do this Your way...

And then, I think I've expressed my deep fear of praying out loud.  Oh... I dread being called on to pray in front of people.  And I will not volunteer to do it.  I have been known to say "no" on a few occasions too...  I stutter, I can't put together coherent sentences, and I'm pretty sure that everyone would just like me to shut up, so it's not like my prayers are long or anything, which then makes them almost seem pointless.

But... I did get called on last night.  And after some coaxing I said okay.

And you know what?  It was the first time...ever...that my heart rate didn't sky rocket and I didn't feel like I was going to have a panic attack.  I managed to form some sentences and get through it.  Was it the most beautiful, eloquent prayer?  Uh, probably not...  But at least I managed to get through it.

I'm not saying I'll be a prayer warrior any time soon, but hopefully I'll manage to pray when asked without freaking out.  :-)

"You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us"

Carry Me

Day 3...

The journaling assignment for today was to think about the lies you believe about yourself.  Oh perfect... That'll be easy.  And sadly, it was.  Then came the hard part, finding Bible verses to combat the lies.  It took much longer than I expected.

There was one lie already listed in the book and a truth to fight it too.
"Everyone leaves and cannot be trusted."
- "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5)

And yes, to some extent I believe that lie from time to time.  Especially in relationships.  I have a terrible time trusting people.

And then I started to list mine...

"Nobody will ever love me."
- "We love, because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

He loved me first.  And really...isn't His love the greatest?

"I feel worthless."
- "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

If God has the time to care about the birds, then He certainly cares about me.  (Refrain from the name jokes...)

"God can't use me because I haven't been a "good" Christian."
- "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  (Philippians 3:13-14)

Forget... Yesterday is history.  (Oh hey, look at that...)  The only perfect person to walk the earth was Jesus.  So, of course God can use me, imperfection and all. (Otherwise, I don't think a whole lot would get done if He only used perfect people.)

"I don't feel pretty."
- "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:14-16)

Woah... Now, I know I've written about beauty previously, but before you shout "hypocrite!" at me, know that while I've learned to accept myself more and more I still have days where I would like to be the tall, 90 pound dancer again.  And I know that most people would just brush it off and be like "shut up, you're so skinny."  Well...that's not helpful.  Your standards are not the same as mine.  And while I've lowered mine considerably, I still have days, like every other girl, where I would just like to change something...  But I will continue to trust that God made me the way that He wanted.  And finds me beautiful.

"I don't feel forgiven."
- "I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgression for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins." (Isaiah 43:25)

Jesus died...for me.  And my sins.  And He knew then all the things that I've done (and because I'm not perfect, all the ones that will happen in the future.)  But I am forgiven...

"I doubt..."
- "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.  For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord" (James 1:5-7)

Why do I doubt?  If I doubt that God can do it, then I guess I've put Him in a box to try to limit my own disappointment.  Doesn't He have a wonderful plan for me?

And I admit, I would love for all of this to be fixed...right now!  Actually...probably 30 seconds ago.  And all the other things I'm thinking about too.  If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm not very patient... I'm stubborn and tend to do things the hard way.  But, God's timing is perfect.

My friend, Ashley, sent me this verse today:

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

So I will wait.  I will wait for a time when I don't have to fight off the lies anymore.  Until then, I will wait and fight.

What lies are you believing?

I think "Carry Me" by Josh Wilson sums it up for me.  Unless I let God carry me, I'm not going to make it.

"Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now."

I Will Follow (again)

So, I've taken guys off the table for 10 days after the Agape event on Friday.  And it's really hard.  And I don't think I've done a great job so far and it's only day 2...  Who would've thought 10 days would be so difficult?  I guess it goes to show that my heart is in the wrong place...  And I hate admitting that.  This is an area that I don't like surrendering.  I know what I want... So why can't I just have it?

After all the garbage I've been through in relationships, I have a really hard time trusting God with this aspect of my life.  But deep down I know that I can't blame Him for the stuff that happened.  I want to, but I can't.  A lot of it was my own fault.  And the rest of it, well it wasn't, but unfortunately we live in a fallen world.  I know His heart broke for me.  And I can't blame Him for the bad things that happened.

So why can't I let go?  Why can't I trust that He has a good plan for me?  After all, everything I've done so far isn't working.  Wouldn't it be smarter to just surrender it to Him and trust that He's got it?

Working through the material for Day 2, I felt God say "Trust Me."

"But I don't want to give this up.  I don't want to give x, y, and z up.  If I do, it'll be gone forever and I'll just be miserable the rest of my life."

I hate feeling that way.  I hate admitting it.  But God is forever patient with me.

"Trust Me with it.  Just be patient and I'll take of it."

Okay... The journal part said to ask for the Holy Spirit to fill you.  And with that comes conviction to do something.  So I surrendered, in tears - terrified of being asked to give up what I really don't want to...

And I waited.

And the answer I got shocked me.

"Write."

What?  Aren't you going to pry all these dreams out of my tightly clenched fists and send me off to some country with huge spiders or something?

"Write."

And that was it.  I knew instantly what I was supposed to write.  My journal from Removing the Stones confirmed it too.

So, I guess I'm starting a writing project.  It's not going to be easy.  I can already see the sacrifice of time that's going to go into research and writing.

Sacrificing is so much better than saying 'no' though.  Jesus gave everything for me.  How could I say no?

Again and again this year, instead of hearing 'no,' I hear 'wait.'  Wait... Something I'm not good at.  Most days I have about zero patience for anything.

And yet, there must be some in there.  With my job, I really have to practice patience.

There's hope for me yet.  :-)

"Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You"

Healing Begins

Yesterday was an awful day...  Colliding with things that you've felt like you've already dealt with forever ago sucks.

Today, I decided to go to a talk about relationships.  Once I decided to go, all the lies that I've been fighting came back and hit me with such force that I almost backed out of going because I was freaking out.  The biggest one being "Why would you want to go to that?  You are so messed up...  You in a relationship?  Nobody will ever want to put up with you..."

You, you, you, you...

I recognized the lie.  Satan accuses us.  But I wasn't going to let him win tonight, so I went.  A bit skeptical still, because what could they possibly say to me?

But it was amazing.  Just letting go and worshipping was awesome.  Really listening to the speakers was wonderful.

I really didn't want to cry anymore tonight, but once they sent the guys out of the room, well that was the end of that.  I walked over to one of the members of the prayer team, who I recognized from the Removing the Stones retreat.  She also remembered me.  She also remembered me because I shared my story at Calvary on Campus.  She reminded me that He already has redeemed so much of that and He's not done yet.  It's a powerful story.

I admitted that I felt worthless.  I just want to be noticed...

She prayed with me.  And told me that she felt God wanted me to know that He did create this desire I have to be seen.  To be noticed.  And if I would just turn to Him, He would fulfill that.  And no guy is ever going to fill that God-shaped hole.

So here we go... I have to keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect.  He's going to take care of it all.  It's not my time table... (Because if it was, well...it'd be a little quicker.)  ;-)  But...I trust He knows what He's doing.

"This is where the healing begins
Oh, this is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark"

This is Who I Am

Coming back from a weekend where I feel like everything changed, I'm afraid that others won't understand where I'm coming from now.  I wish they could've experienced it with me.  I wish they could've seen the difference it made.

I really just want grace from others.  If you want to know what happened or what I'm thinking, just ask!  I'd be more than happy to tell you.

Perhaps the biggest difference is that I'm working on actually speaking up.  I'm not, nor do I want to be, that voiceless person anymore.  (And I'm not saying that I'm going to start being chatty Cathy all of the sudden - this is still scary for me.)  But I'm trying to be the person I've been called to be.  And honestly, I still don't have a lot of that worked out yet.  I'm excited and nervous all at the same time to see what God's going to do.

"This is who I am
It's where I stand
I won't apologize
This is why I'm free
Now I believe
I will not compromise
This is who I am"

Even If

Most of the time I manage living with pain fairly well.  Unfortunately, it's not all of the time.  On rare occasions, it actually wakes me up.  I went to bed early last night, trying to fight it off, but rolled over around 1 in the morning feeling like death.  Seriously?  Tuesday is my hard day.  I visit all of my schools and see kids back to back...all day.

I didn't feel much better getting up.  But before throwing a pity party, I remembered that I could rely on God to give me the strength to get through the day.

A lot of people have prayed for me.  Prayed that I would just be healed.  And I believe that God can do it, but I know He also doesn't have to.  He doesn't have to tell me His plans.  But I do know that He will get me through each day.  And today was no exception.  I saw all my kids, had a meeting and actually contributed a fantastic idea, and came home and did a cover song.  I'm not going to let pain dictate how I live my life.

"Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"

Untitled

Normally, the title of every blog post I write is a song title and somehow the lyrics fit in somewhere.  Not today though...

God had different plans for this weekend than I did.  There were things brought up that I didn't know needed to be discussed.

"You have all this musical talent.  Why aren't you using it?"

It was loud and clear to me.  But being argumentative, of course I had some things to say about that.  And I think I've said before, it doesn't ever work to argue with God, does it?

"What are you talking about?  I am using it.  I'm on the worship team at Calvary and I lead worship for PSCG."

"Is that all?"

"What more is there?"

"You used to dream bigger than that."

"Yeah well, you can't make a living doing what I want to do.  It's hard.  Nobody appreciates musicians.  Everyone downloads illegally and expects you to work for free.  So I had to figure out a different plan because nobody's going to take care of me."

"You still don't trust Me."

Now it probably would've been a good idea to shut up at that point, but that's something that I still have trouble with.  I want the last word.  I want to be right.  So I launched into a different excuse, since this argument wasn't working.

"Well, I'm a girl.  And you know, most bands are all boys.  Nobody wants to play with the girl.  And even if they did, the girl is just allowed to sing back up and maybe lead once in a while.  Can't let her do anything else!  Girls don't have good ideas."

"You still don't trust Me."

The Enemy attacks your calling.  He does not want you to fulfill your calling.  And after this weekend I see that more than ever before.

A lot of the bullying that happened to me growing up was because I was a good musician.  People didn't like it.  And I couldn't understand why people hated me because I was good.  And often when I say things like that others accuse me of being prideful.  But I don't say that with any pride.  I know that I'm a good musician.  God created me that way.

I also discovered how the Enemy attacks gender.  And it wasn't ever something I really noticed, but one of the leaders this weekend pointed out how much I hate being a girl.  And she's right.  It wasn't ever something I thought about because I like being girly.  I like doing hair and make-up and going shopping.  And there are never enough fancy events to wear gorgeous dresses to.  But it goes deeper than that.  I hate being a girl because I think I'm less valuable.  There is part of me that just wants to ask God "Haven't You made some sort of mistake?"  Even in my DISC assessment, I have a high D personality.  And my Strength Finder traits? Yeah, four of them are one of the ten ones that you find in the most successful leaders.  How am I supposed to be that and be a girl?  And back to music, why did you give me all these talents if I seem to be one of the few girls with these dreams?

"Would you give up everything for Me?"

I prayed long and hard last night over that question.  How many people would I disappoint?  What if I fail?  What if people don't understand?  Because they won't...

In the end, would any of those things matter?  He gave His life for mine.  Aren't I supposed to follow Him?

I don't know what He will ask me to give up yet.  But I do know that He has a plan.

And He's right.  I'm not using the gifts He gave me to their full potential.

Today, I didn't have a song.  Because out of everything I know, I couldn't think of one that fit.  And I take that to mean that there are still plenty of songs to be written.

I guess I have some work to do.

Love is War

Coming back from a retreat is always really hard, especially when so much happens.  All the way home, we wished we could've stayed.  And later this evening, we expressed how we wished we could've stayed away forever and wished we hadn't come back.

But I think one of the clear themes from the weekend was 'you're not a beginner anymore.'  You've reached a point in your healing that it's time to keep moving.  You must keep moving.

What is it about retreats that makes coming back so difficult?  Certainly it gives you the opportunity to only focus on God and the things He is saying to you.  I know I get so caught up in everything going on around me day to day that often devo time becomes something that I just need to get out of the way and check off the list so I can focus on more "important" things.  Haven't I missed the point?  What's more important than spending time with Him?

What is it that can make a retreat seem so special?  There's all the prayer that goes into it.  Sometimes it's easy to forget just how important prayer is...  People open up.  We're honest with each other.  We're vulnerable with each other.  We find out that we all have similar struggles and insecurities.

Why do we forget it when we come back?

Why can't we hold each other accountable, pray for each other, and be honest with each other without having to go on a retreat?

And perhaps the hardest thing, is that the Enemy will try to throw a stone at everything we've worked through this weekend and try to ruin everything that happened.  We have to fight for the truth and not believe his lies.

"Turn my eyes to see Your face
As all my fears surrender
Hold my heart within this grace
Where burden turns to wonder

I will fight to follow
I will fight for love
Throw my life forever
To the triumph of the Son

I know Your love has won it all
You took the fall
To embrace my sorrows
I know You took the fight
You came and died
But the grave was borrowed
I know You stood again
So I can stand with a life to follow
In the light of Your name"

Name

Interesting title for a post, huh? I love my name. I always get asked about it because it is so unique. How did I get my name? 

Well, I arrived a month and 4 days early. And instead of the boy my parents were expecting, it was me. Being that I was early, they didn't have a name picked out for me. So after a couple days of thinking about it, they came up with Raevynn. Why? Well, I had black hair when I was born (weird, as it hasn't been that color since I was a toddler.) Raevynn is a combination of my Mom's middle name and my Dad's name. And the "y" is just because. :-)

I've always loved my name. And other kids (and even people in grad school) have told me how silly it is and all the reasons I shouldn't like it. I just laugh because I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it. My parents aren't cruel. They didn't scar me for life. I'm blessed with a beautiful name.

What about my other names though? What about the names that I have acquired through life? What do I mean? 

This retreat has been really hard. I'm uncovering a lot of the lies I think and believe about myself. And the list seems endless... One of the activities involved your name and I'm not talking about your actual name, but the name that is one of the lies you believe about yourself.

What is mine? Voiceless(powerless)

When did I lose my voice? For the last several hours the Holy Spirit has been showing me.

I was always picked on, teased, and made fun of. Even by teachers. There is a particularly painful incident in elementary school involving a teacher that wasn't even my teacher. She cracked a joke at my expense and the entire class laughed at me. She apologized later, but it hurt. 

After reporting abuse in junior high, the school told me and my parents that I was a liar. And that's when I decided to just really stop talking. If I opened my mouth, I'd get made fun of or called a liar. I've let people treat me poorly and use me. I've had some pretty messed up relationships too. And as I've talked about in other places, eventually I walked away from God completely. 

He never gave up on me and I'm walking with Him once more. But there are still plenty of lies I believe about myself. Which is why I'm at this retreat.

Tonight, I received a new name. God promises that we will receive a new name. For me, I will no longer be called Voiceless(powerless), but She who speaks with power.

She who speaks with power...

God, there must be some sort of mistake, I thought. But He showed me just how He has been preparing me for this name in the last couple of months.

When I went to Leadership Advance, I had to take a personality test. My results said that I was a high dominant personality. I sincerely thought there must be some sort of mistake. Me? Dominant? I don't think so... My goal is to be quiet, blend in, and not make waves.

At the end of that weekend, my mentor for the time there, Kendra, pointed out that even in my group of mostly dominant personalities, I managed to always get us back on track, make a decision, and stick to it so that we could get our task accomplished. I just thought that it was only because I want things to get done. But she pointed out that even though I may be dominant, I lead lovingly.

I told my Dad later. And his reaction shocked me. He said "Raevynn, when you walk into a room, everyone knows you're in charge." I tried to laugh it off, but he made it clear he was serious. Apparently, I can command attention. I pondered this for a time, but I'm comfortable blending in and supporting whoever else wants to be in charge. Please, don't give me the responsibility. (Even though there's a tiny part of me that wants it.) I started realizing that maybe I was dominant, but it scared me.

My Cru mentor, Heather, agreed with my Dad when I talked about it with her. And also pointed out how people listened to me when I shared at Calvary on Campus months before. And has been encouraging me to speak more. That I need to speak more...

My other Cru mentor, Ash, pointed out how much I'd grown on the servant team and how I've started speaking up little by little. And that people do value my ideas and opinions. In fact, I got asked to still help and volunteer with the servant team in an unofficial capacity.

People value my opinions? I still had a hard time believing it.

Even in places where I feel safe, like the servant team or the worship team, it's hard for me to offer an opinion. I pointed out to my friend, Greg (one of the worship leaders), that I really don't like talking in front of people so I don't like bringing things up and offering my opinion in rehearsal... And he said that he does value my opinion and I should speak up.

Really? Do people really value the crazy ideas that run through my head?

This weekend I've received a very, very clear answer. One of the leaders here told me when we were praying that she felt she needed to tell me that I am not voiceless or weak. I have authority and power and I will use it to help those who are still voiceless. I will also not abuse that power as others have, but will use it to advance God's Kingdom.

I am a high D. I should be speaking with power. I was not created to be silent. It's going to take a lot of work, but I have had a breakthrough. I have a new name.

I am not Voiceless(powerless).

I am She who speaks with power.

"He sees you
He's near you
He knows your face
He knows your pain
He sees you
And He loves you
He knows your name
He knows your name."