Pray You Through

So at the beginning of April, I quietly changed my Facebook profile picture to a teal ribbon.  But I didn't say anything about it.  I just let people think what they wanted to and left it at that.  The teal ribbon can stand for a lot of different things.

April is sexual assault awareness month.

It's meant to start a conversation about it.  I'm always still surprised about the misconceptions people have about sexual assault and rape.  I've gotten fed up with conversations and simply walked off to go cool off somewhere else.

Let me give you some statistics...

About Victims

• 44% of victims are under age 18
• 80% are under age 30

Sexual Assault Numbers

• Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted
• There is an average of 207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of sexual assault each year

Reporting to Police

• 54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police
• 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail

About Rapists

• Approximately 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim
• 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance

(from http://www.rainn.org/statistics)

It's not pretty.  And it's not just an issue for women.  Men can be victims too.

I don't have a solution to making it "better."  One of the first times I shared my story, someone asked me what's the best thing to do when someone shares their story with you?

Believe them.

Just believe them.

Don't try to solve it.  You can't.  There are no words to say.  But they're sharing it with you because they trust you and they just want someone to believe them.  And listen.  And just be there.  

Which is so hard.  It's awkward when you feel like you don't know what to say.  But really, they don't expect you to say much of anything.

It seems so simple.  Just believe them?  Honestly though, many people won't believe them.  

In fact, the first and only time I reported, guess what happened?  They didn't believe me.  My integrity was called into question.  My parents did everything they could to fight for me.  But the school didn't care.  I was 13.

So next time something happened to me, did I report it?  Of course not.  When something like that happens you already feel worthless, so what good does it do to go report it when they'll just make you feel even worse?

So...if someone shares with you, just believe them.  And support them.  If they want to report it and press charges, support them.  If they don't want to, support them.

And know that you can't fix it.  They can't fix it either.  Counseling helps a lot.  But really, the only thing that's going to help someone heal is Jesus.

"I'm all out of words
There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt
So let me pray you through"

A Beautiful Life

It's been a while since I've written anything!

Today, I started subbing long term.  It's really awesome how finally after 6 long years of hard work, I get to actually do what I was trained to do!

I used to say "patience is a virtue...I don't have!"  As I've talked about before, I'm really not patient...at all.  But something must be changing.  I find that I am learning.  God keeps bringing the lesson around and I realize that He's going to until I learn it.

Today, I was teaching how to answer "how" questions.  One of the questions was "how do you tie your shoes?"

Silence.

"Just tell me the steps.  One at a time," I encouraged.

"I don't know how."

That broke my heart.  How are you supposed to tell someone the steps to tie a shoe if you've never been taught?

"Would you like me to teach you?"

Two little eyes, full of wonder, watched intently as I slowly walked through the steps.

"Now you try."

Those little eyes concentrated hard on the two strings.  And after a couple of attempts - success!

"You did it!"

I don't know who had a bigger smile...

I'm so glad that I'm learning how to be patient.  If I wasn't learning, I wouldn't have experienced that moment.  I would've simply tied the shoe because I was in a hurry and moved on.

I should stop hurrying...

"A beautiful life
is unfolding before my eyes"

You Can

So I finally got around to actually sitting down and writing something today... It's been years since I've actually finished a song.  My favorite one is the one I wrote when I was 15, so obviously it's been a while...

But for the last several hours, I've just been writing.  And it's not easy.  I did finish a song, but I spent the time begging for the words to come.  And they did slowly.  It's honest.  I don't know if anyone will actually like it or anything, but it's a start.

Basically, I'm learning that God can take all the mess that my life is and use it.  That's so awesome!

We finished our affirming activity in Missional Community last night (the one where I had to go last, remember?)

Here are the words that people believe to be true about me:

• Artist
• Assertive
• Authentic
• Called
• Committed
• Controlled
• Creative
• Deliberate
• Determined
• Encouraging
• Genuine
• Gifted
• Honest
• Influential
• Listening Heart
• Loyal
• Meek
• Organized
• Original
• Passionate
• Real
• Risk-taker
• Sacrificial
• Secure
• Strong
• Sympathetic
• Talented
• Watchful

That's quite a list...  And I admit to tearing up a bit.  It was so amazing to hear what other people see in me because I'm often overly critical of myself.  The top one was talented.  I forget that I am talented.  There are so many other people out there who have a great deal of talent and sometimes I forget that I am too.  Determined and strong were high up there too.  Sonia started the tears when she said she picked determined because she sees how I keep pushing through and keep on going even when it's really hard.  And maybe the oddest one was risk-taker...at first.  But Ash explained why he picked it.  He talked about how there are a lot of things that are scary for me.  And I could go hide in a corner and never see anybody again, but I force myself to do a lot of scary things.

I guess this post might seem like it's all over the place.  And I'll admit that it kind of is, but at the same time, I'm figuring out just how much I am cared for by the people around me and God.  God has blessed me so much here.  And I'm so thankful that He can use me and He's not done with me yet.

"I know You see me in the dark
And hear me crying out
I know that You've given me life
I can't feel worthless now
I feel You here
Reaching for me
Yes, I'll take Your hand
I surrender
Everything
You can use my life"

http://raevynnnicole.bandcamp.com/track/you-can

Beautiful, Beautiful

Day 10!

I can't believe I made it!  And now it seemed to go so fast.  Waking up before the sun came up to be with God wasn't easy, but it was the best possible way to start the day.  And I'll continue to do it.

Since the beginning of the year, I can tell that I've been changing...a lot.  There have been a lot of things that haven't been easy.  Going through this fast this last week was quite difficult.  I had trouble sleeping this week.  From time to time, I have trouble sleeping thanks to PTSD and nightmares.  Usually, it doesn't happen a whole lot anymore.  But this week, the nightmares came back.  And I woke up completely freaked out and it took a long time for me to convince myself things were fine and I could go back to sleep.  As unpleasant as it was, it's further proof that I'm getting closer to God and cutting things out of my life that don't need to be there.  The enemy is not happy with me.

At The Flood prayer gathering last night at Calvary, I talked to Lynn and Lisa about some of the things going on and they prayed for me.  And prayed that I wouldn't have these nightmares.  I'm so grateful for them.  And I'm happy to say that last night was free of nightmares...

I'm so excited to keep moving forward.  I can't wait to see what's coming next!

"Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace" 

All Around Me

I woke up to this verse today:

"Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things."  (Ecclesiastes 11:5)

I like to plan.  I usually like to have everything figured out down to the last minute and mundane detail. Oh and then of course you have to plan for it to go wrong anyways, so I plan for every other scenario as well.

Today, this verse was so comforting.  My internship is up soon.  I'm graduating in only a few short weeks.  And...then what?  I've always been in school.  I don't know anything different.  I feel like the life I've had in college and grad school has been fairly easy to control.  I plan the classes that I want and set up my perfect little schedule.  I know what steps I have to do to get to where I want to go.  But going out into the real world?  Yikes...

I'm quickly figuring out that I can't plan everything out perfectly.  Of course I'm putting in the effort to search for a job and get things taken care of.  But, this verse reminded me that I don't have all the answers.  And I don't have to.  I will trust that things will work out the way God wants them to.

I'm looking forward to the next adventure.

"I can feel You all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to You
Now You own me
All I am
You said You would never leave me
I believe You
I believe"

Lead Me to the Cross

Day 6...

More surrendering.  Oh, how I hate giving up control.  I like to be the boss.  I also know that I fall into the trap of treating God like Santa Claus.  Give me what I want, when I want it, and I wanted it five minutes ago...

But that's not what He's there for.  I mean, sure, He's fine with it when I ask for things.  However, I don't get to tell Him when to do it and that this is what I want and if you don't give it to me I'm going to be really unhappy and throw a fit about it.

So I took the time this morning to surrender.  What do you want from me, God?

The instructions were to go do something that made you feel closer to God.  It could be going on a walk, just sitting and waiting, listening to worship songs, etc.  Well, for me I feel closest to God when I'm worshipping.  I went and sat down at my keyboard and pulled out one of the many books I have of worship songs and just started playing and singing.  Waiting...

And at first I didn't hear Him.

"Please speak to me," I begged.

And I waited...

Nothing yet...so I kept playing.  Song after song.

And at some point, I got frustrated with the music and having to either transpose in my head or flip awkwardly between the part of a guy's singing range that I have and a normal female range.

"Why doesn't anybody write anything that a girl can sing?!"

I flipped the book over, where it shows the contents of it.  It was one of those books that's something like "top worship songs of x year."  I think I picked up the 2009-2010 one.  Out of the 20-25 songs they picked, do you know how many were girl songs?

Two.

And before I go on, let me tell you something (and this will make some of you cringe...)  I don't consider myself a "feminist."  So I'm not going to start a rant on that topic, but out of all the songs that were probably released that year, there were only two worth including in the book?

And when I thought about it...the songs I often go to to sing or play are often songs written and/or sang by a guy.  Why?  I'm not sure, but I often find that I don't like many of the songs female artists are releasing.  And there aren't even that many to begin with.  And even though the song for the title today "Lead Me to the Cross" was written by and usually performed by a female, do you know what version they had in the book?  A cover version...for guys.  Really?

I guess to continue my thoughts from yesterday, where are the female artists?

"Where are you?"

I heard Him in my frustration.

"I'm right here," I snapped.  Still frustrated.

"Write."

I felt like being a smart mouth and asking God if He had read my blog yesterday.  Don't you know it's harder for me because I'm a girl?

"Is this what You really want from me?"

And at that moment, I burst into tears.  I knew the answer already.  What would I have to give up?  Who would I disappoint?

I read the words to "Lead Me to the Cross" again.

"Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down
Rid me of myself 
I belong to You
Oh lead me
Lead me to the cross"

Rid me of myself... I belong to You.

"Okay, God.  I surrender."

Sick of It

A friend posted an article today about how women aren't equals in music leadership and innovation.  I found myself saying, well I'm glad somebody else noticed too.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being on Broadway.  I wanted to be the star in musicals.  I knew I was good.  I was a triple threat.  (Meaning I could act, sing, and dance.)  But, I quickly found out that being "good" doesn't cut it sometimes.  You may be the best person at that audition, but there are many, many other factors that play against you.  Perhaps some people reading will think that I am quite full of myself and am probably just bitter because other people beat me out.  I'm not bitter at all...anymore.  I've learned not to be.

However, I found time and time again that girls are a dime a dozen when it comes to theatre.  Even opera, which would be my next pursuit.  I once auditioned for third tier chorus for Seattle Opera.  Third tier...  Do you know how many spots there were for women?  Two.  Just two.  Do you know how many women auditioned?  Probably hundreds.

I gave up those dreams a while ago.  I don't care for the lifestyle, but that's another story.  I also didn't think I would be able to handle the constant rejection.  And wondering if I really am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, talented enough.  The list goes on and on.

Before I go on, I want to say that it is not my intent to diminish other people's rejection.  Rejection sucks.  Period.

I did find that it seemed as if guys had it easier.  There were far more spots available for third tier opera chorus.  And far fewer men auditioned for them.  It always seems that shows (be it musicals or plays) are always scrambling for more guys.  Can you dance?  No?  How about move?  Great!  And if you could carry a tune then that's an added bonus!

I found myself irritated during one of the shows I did.  Why?  Because I had a bigger part and naturally had to go to a zillion rehearsals.  There were guys who had to attend very few rehearsals.  And you know what?  We got paid almost exactly the same.  Could I say anything about how it seemed unfair?  No, because there would instantly be ten, twenty, or more girls ready to take the spot that I had.

Why am I dragging all this up?  Well, at the Removing the Stones retreat, one of the leaders prayed with me.  And she felt that I hated myself...because I'm a girl.

Woah... It was never something I'd actually thought of.  Sure, I've always wanted to hang out with the guys and do whatever they were doing.  I get along far better with guys than I do with girls, but I never acknowledged what she pointed out to me.

I hate being a girl.

I love dressing up.  I love putting on make up and doing girly things.  I'm NOT saying I want to be a boy or I wish I was because I don't.  I simply hate being a girl because I feel powerless.  And weak.  And somehow less valuable than a man.

The whole article made me think about my frustrations even more when it comes to music.  I've always wanted to have a band/be in a band.  I tried so hard in high school and then just gave up in college.  It's the boys that get to go jam and have fun.  For me, it was frustrating that there weren't a bunch of girls who could also play a bunch of instruments.  I still don't know many girls who do.  I love learning new instruments.  Teach me how to play everything!

Sometimes, I feel like because I am a girl, I don't get to do x because I'm not one of the guys.  I know it's probably not intentional.  And I know just based on the girls that I do know that girls who actually want to do that stuff might be a little harder to come by.  (And if I'm wrong, and I hope I am, I would love to know!)

That leader told me that God didn't make a mistake when He made me female.  He gave me the gifts I have and my personality for a reason.  He doesn't want me to feel bad about myself because somehow I'm "less."  I'm not.  But, she told me that I do need to embrace my femininity.  And figure out how to use these gifts too, without selling myself short.

I'm sick of hating myself for feeling this way.

Ironically, the song for my title today is by Skillet.  They have a girl drummer.  And a girl keyboardist who also gets to play rhythm guitar too.  Pretty awesome, if you ask me.

There's hope for me after all.  :-)

"Are you sick of it?
Raise your hands,
Get rid of it!
While there's a fighting chance.
Are you over it?
Bored to death?
Have you had enough regret?
Take a stand, raise your hands...
If you're sick of it!"

Beautiful Things

I like this song...a lot.  I was happy to see that it was the song for today's devo time.

"You make me new
You are making me new"

I fully believe that.  Today, when I started to doubt myself, I went back to the verses I found yesterday and reread them.  I reminded myself that they are true.  I can see the changes He is making in me.

Last night in Missional Community, we were doing an activity where each of us talked about what we see in a specific person.  Pieces of paper with each person's name were shuffled and a random order was selected.  Because you can't rush these things, not everyone got their turn last night.  Now, I didn't know the order, but once the papers were shuffled, I had the feeling that I was going to be last.  Why?  Because I'm working on this whole patience thing and I thought that since I'm so anxious just to get it over with, of course my name would be the last one.

The first name was called, then the next...and the next...and the next...and pretty soon we were out of time.  I hadn't been called.  Our leader, Ash, said we would finish the rest next time and as he went to put the papers away I asked him "Is my name last?"

Turns out it was!  I was slightly frustrated because I hate waiting, but I also couldn't help laughing.  Okay, God, we can do this Your way...

And then, I think I've expressed my deep fear of praying out loud.  Oh... I dread being called on to pray in front of people.  And I will not volunteer to do it.  I have been known to say "no" on a few occasions too...  I stutter, I can't put together coherent sentences, and I'm pretty sure that everyone would just like me to shut up, so it's not like my prayers are long or anything, which then makes them almost seem pointless.

But... I did get called on last night.  And after some coaxing I said okay.

And you know what?  It was the first time...ever...that my heart rate didn't sky rocket and I didn't feel like I was going to have a panic attack.  I managed to form some sentences and get through it.  Was it the most beautiful, eloquent prayer?  Uh, probably not...  But at least I managed to get through it.

I'm not saying I'll be a prayer warrior any time soon, but hopefully I'll manage to pray when asked without freaking out.  :-)

"You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us"

Carry Me

Day 3...

The journaling assignment for today was to think about the lies you believe about yourself.  Oh perfect... That'll be easy.  And sadly, it was.  Then came the hard part, finding Bible verses to combat the lies.  It took much longer than I expected.

There was one lie already listed in the book and a truth to fight it too.
"Everyone leaves and cannot be trusted."
- "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5)

And yes, to some extent I believe that lie from time to time.  Especially in relationships.  I have a terrible time trusting people.

And then I started to list mine...

"Nobody will ever love me."
- "We love, because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19)

He loved me first.  And really...isn't His love the greatest?

"I feel worthless."
- "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

If God has the time to care about the birds, then He certainly cares about me.  (Refrain from the name jokes...)

"God can't use me because I haven't been a "good" Christian."
- "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  (Philippians 3:13-14)

Forget... Yesterday is history.  (Oh hey, look at that...)  The only perfect person to walk the earth was Jesus.  So, of course God can use me, imperfection and all. (Otherwise, I don't think a whole lot would get done if He only used perfect people.)

"I don't feel pretty."
- "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:14-16)

Woah... Now, I know I've written about beauty previously, but before you shout "hypocrite!" at me, know that while I've learned to accept myself more and more I still have days where I would like to be the tall, 90 pound dancer again.  And I know that most people would just brush it off and be like "shut up, you're so skinny."  Well...that's not helpful.  Your standards are not the same as mine.  And while I've lowered mine considerably, I still have days, like every other girl, where I would just like to change something...  But I will continue to trust that God made me the way that He wanted.  And finds me beautiful.

"I don't feel forgiven."
- "I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgression for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins." (Isaiah 43:25)

Jesus died...for me.  And my sins.  And He knew then all the things that I've done (and because I'm not perfect, all the ones that will happen in the future.)  But I am forgiven...

"I doubt..."
- "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.  For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord" (James 1:5-7)

Why do I doubt?  If I doubt that God can do it, then I guess I've put Him in a box to try to limit my own disappointment.  Doesn't He have a wonderful plan for me?

And I admit, I would love for all of this to be fixed...right now!  Actually...probably 30 seconds ago.  And all the other things I'm thinking about too.  If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm not very patient... I'm stubborn and tend to do things the hard way.  But, God's timing is perfect.

My friend, Ashley, sent me this verse today:

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)

So I will wait.  I will wait for a time when I don't have to fight off the lies anymore.  Until then, I will wait and fight.

What lies are you believing?

I think "Carry Me" by Josh Wilson sums it up for me.  Unless I let God carry me, I'm not going to make it.

"Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now."

I Will Follow (again)

So, I've taken guys off the table for 10 days after the Agape event on Friday.  And it's really hard.  And I don't think I've done a great job so far and it's only day 2...  Who would've thought 10 days would be so difficult?  I guess it goes to show that my heart is in the wrong place...  And I hate admitting that.  This is an area that I don't like surrendering.  I know what I want... So why can't I just have it?

After all the garbage I've been through in relationships, I have a really hard time trusting God with this aspect of my life.  But deep down I know that I can't blame Him for the stuff that happened.  I want to, but I can't.  A lot of it was my own fault.  And the rest of it, well it wasn't, but unfortunately we live in a fallen world.  I know His heart broke for me.  And I can't blame Him for the bad things that happened.

So why can't I let go?  Why can't I trust that He has a good plan for me?  After all, everything I've done so far isn't working.  Wouldn't it be smarter to just surrender it to Him and trust that He's got it?

Working through the material for Day 2, I felt God say "Trust Me."

"But I don't want to give this up.  I don't want to give x, y, and z up.  If I do, it'll be gone forever and I'll just be miserable the rest of my life."

I hate feeling that way.  I hate admitting it.  But God is forever patient with me.

"Trust Me with it.  Just be patient and I'll take of it."

Okay... The journal part said to ask for the Holy Spirit to fill you.  And with that comes conviction to do something.  So I surrendered, in tears - terrified of being asked to give up what I really don't want to...

And I waited.

And the answer I got shocked me.

"Write."

What?  Aren't you going to pry all these dreams out of my tightly clenched fists and send me off to some country with huge spiders or something?

"Write."

And that was it.  I knew instantly what I was supposed to write.  My journal from Removing the Stones confirmed it too.

So, I guess I'm starting a writing project.  It's not going to be easy.  I can already see the sacrifice of time that's going to go into research and writing.

Sacrificing is so much better than saying 'no' though.  Jesus gave everything for me.  How could I say no?

Again and again this year, instead of hearing 'no,' I hear 'wait.'  Wait... Something I'm not good at.  Most days I have about zero patience for anything.

And yet, there must be some in there.  With my job, I really have to practice patience.

There's hope for me yet.  :-)

"Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You"

Healing Begins

Yesterday was an awful day...  Colliding with things that you've felt like you've already dealt with forever ago sucks.

Today, I decided to go to a talk about relationships.  Once I decided to go, all the lies that I've been fighting came back and hit me with such force that I almost backed out of going because I was freaking out.  The biggest one being "Why would you want to go to that?  You are so messed up...  You in a relationship?  Nobody will ever want to put up with you..."

You, you, you, you...

I recognized the lie.  Satan accuses us.  But I wasn't going to let him win tonight, so I went.  A bit skeptical still, because what could they possibly say to me?

But it was amazing.  Just letting go and worshipping was awesome.  Really listening to the speakers was wonderful.

I really didn't want to cry anymore tonight, but once they sent the guys out of the room, well that was the end of that.  I walked over to one of the members of the prayer team, who I recognized from the Removing the Stones retreat.  She also remembered me.  She also remembered me because I shared my story at Calvary on Campus.  She reminded me that He already has redeemed so much of that and He's not done yet.  It's a powerful story.

I admitted that I felt worthless.  I just want to be noticed...

She prayed with me.  And told me that she felt God wanted me to know that He did create this desire I have to be seen.  To be noticed.  And if I would just turn to Him, He would fulfill that.  And no guy is ever going to fill that God-shaped hole.

So here we go... I have to keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect.  He's going to take care of it all.  It's not my time table... (Because if it was, well...it'd be a little quicker.)  ;-)  But...I trust He knows what He's doing.

"This is where the healing begins
Oh, this is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark"