What a year... It's been hard, but there are still so many things to be thankful for!
I'm so thankful for my roommates! Laurie and Kaitlyn, I love you guys and feel like we've been friends for years! Though home can be stressful to come home to (what else is broken now?!), it's so awesome to live with the two of you. I love our conversations, both serious and very silly. And how we make sure Thursday evenings are clear because we have to watch our show together!
I'm thankful for my co-workers, especially Michele, Staci, Helen, Missy, Kaylyn, Carol, and Wendy. You guys keep me going even when I'm not sure that I can. You remind me why I'm there and why I first fell in love with speech therapy - it's for the kids and that's who I get up and fight for every day. I'm grateful for the support that I have found from people that I didn't even know would have my back.
To my worship team - Sarah, Bruce, Greg, Eric, Phil, Steve, Ashley, Gabe, Ronnie, Logan, Breanna, and so many others, you have become a second family to me. I truly enjoy getting to worship with you all. Thanks for putting up with me when I get so focused on having everything perfect. I've learned so much from you all. Love you guys!
Paige, I'm so thankful for your friendship! I'm glad that I can bounce speech ideas off you and discuss therapy techniques. I'm grateful that we can just pick up where we left off when we actually get to see each other and even if we haven't talked in a while, it's like the conversation never stopped. Love ya!
Jenny, I'm very thankful for you! Even though you're so far away and we don't get to talk as often as I would like, you get me and still come through for me. I can always count on you to be there to support me in anything. Thank you for your friendship. Love you, cupcake! ;-)
To my family, I love you! You guys are so supportive of me and embrace my dreams, no matter how silly they may be. It's difficult to be so far away and coming home is one of the best feelings in the whole world! (Lily's snuggles help too!)
Lastly, but most importantly, I'm thankful for Jesus Christ as my Savior. I'm grateful for His love and glorious grace. I'm thankful that nothing can separate me from Him.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Hurt
So...here we go... The holiday season is approaching! I'm excited to see family and friends I don't get to see very often. I really love this time of the year.
But there is something about this time of the year that I dread... The endless nosy questions about my love life, or lack of one, and then comes the countless attempts to set me up with...well any living, breathing single male that may or may not have anything even kind of in common with me.
Maybe this sounds extremely bitter. Or you think I'm coming from a place of jealousy for everyone who has found their 'someone.' But that's not the case at all. In fact, my brother is getting married very soon and I'm so excited for him and his fiancé! I'm glad they've found each other and wish them nothing but the best. I'm not the slightest bit upset that it's not me having this moment first because I'm the oldest sibling. I'm truly happy for them!
My issue is that there are people who think that I can't be somebody without anyone else. Like there's something wrong with me for still being single and not having any sort of serious relationship, especially at this point in my life. I can hear the lectures already about not finding anyone in undergrad...or grad school...so how can I expect to meet someone at this point? Why not try online dating? (Been there, done that, no thank you very much.)
...
It's been a really rough year thus far. And I'll admit, I haven't done a very good job of just trusting God with all the really crappy situations that have come up. I've complained more than I should and thrown some really awesome pity parties for one. God continues to surround me with people who encourage me and honestly, who put up with me when I'm sure I'm not very fun to be around...
But I've learned so much about myself through all of this. I'm still here. I woke up this morning. I'm still breathing.
God hasn't taken away the struggles. He knows it allows me to grow stronger. I was reading the other night about how we can compare this to butterflies. When you open a chrysalis for the butterfly, it dies because it's not strong enough to fly. When you allow it to struggle, by the time it breaks free, it is strong enough to fly. While I still want God to take away all the hard things, I know that an easy way out isn't going to make me stronger.
How does this all relate to the rant above?
Well... I guess the next person who asks "Is there anyone special in your life?" is going to get an answer that's more than eye rolls and dramatic sighs. There is... Jesus. And I mean that genuinely.
I'll tell you what He's doing in my life and how I'm growing. About how I've learned to dream big dreams again. About how I'm discovering my calling and that scares me so much, but if I never go after it and just try to live comfortably and safely that I'll always be restless and unhappy.
In no way am I saying that I think a serious relationship and marriage are the "safe" and "comfortable" way to do anything. I think marriage is more than "happily every after" and all the lovey-dovey, fairy tale fantasies. It's about having a partner to fulfill your God-given calling. So...you kind of have to be on the same page about what your life's purpose is.
I haven't found my partner. And that's okay. Simply dating around to try to find somebody who will maybe make me happy is frustrating and a waste of time. Again, I'm not saying dating is bad or anything, but I know myself. I've spent so much energy on trying to find "the one" that I've missed out on living life and learning to become the person God has called me to be.
Yeah, there are times that I wonder why I'm still single and think that it would be nice to just have somebody, but I also have figured out in the last few years that I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
So this holiday season, I'll do my best to be more gracious when people ask the nosy questions and provide their two cents on how the clock's ticking and I'll end up alone if I don't get moving.
Don't worry...when the time is right for me, I'll be ecstatic! But I trust God's timing...and He seems to know what He's doing.
"Every single tear you cry, I've cried
Every single dark and lonely night
I've been there, I've been scared
You're not alone, I feel your hurt
In the middle of your night just call
You can run to Me I've felt it all
I've been there, I've been scared
You're not alone, I feel your hurt"
But there is something about this time of the year that I dread... The endless nosy questions about my love life, or lack of one, and then comes the countless attempts to set me up with...well any living, breathing single male that may or may not have anything even kind of in common with me.
Maybe this sounds extremely bitter. Or you think I'm coming from a place of jealousy for everyone who has found their 'someone.' But that's not the case at all. In fact, my brother is getting married very soon and I'm so excited for him and his fiancé! I'm glad they've found each other and wish them nothing but the best. I'm not the slightest bit upset that it's not me having this moment first because I'm the oldest sibling. I'm truly happy for them!
My issue is that there are people who think that I can't be somebody without anyone else. Like there's something wrong with me for still being single and not having any sort of serious relationship, especially at this point in my life. I can hear the lectures already about not finding anyone in undergrad...or grad school...so how can I expect to meet someone at this point? Why not try online dating? (Been there, done that, no thank you very much.)
...
It's been a really rough year thus far. And I'll admit, I haven't done a very good job of just trusting God with all the really crappy situations that have come up. I've complained more than I should and thrown some really awesome pity parties for one. God continues to surround me with people who encourage me and honestly, who put up with me when I'm sure I'm not very fun to be around...
But I've learned so much about myself through all of this. I'm still here. I woke up this morning. I'm still breathing.
God hasn't taken away the struggles. He knows it allows me to grow stronger. I was reading the other night about how we can compare this to butterflies. When you open a chrysalis for the butterfly, it dies because it's not strong enough to fly. When you allow it to struggle, by the time it breaks free, it is strong enough to fly. While I still want God to take away all the hard things, I know that an easy way out isn't going to make me stronger.
How does this all relate to the rant above?
Well... I guess the next person who asks "Is there anyone special in your life?" is going to get an answer that's more than eye rolls and dramatic sighs. There is... Jesus. And I mean that genuinely.
I'll tell you what He's doing in my life and how I'm growing. About how I've learned to dream big dreams again. About how I'm discovering my calling and that scares me so much, but if I never go after it and just try to live comfortably and safely that I'll always be restless and unhappy.
In no way am I saying that I think a serious relationship and marriage are the "safe" and "comfortable" way to do anything. I think marriage is more than "happily every after" and all the lovey-dovey, fairy tale fantasies. It's about having a partner to fulfill your God-given calling. So...you kind of have to be on the same page about what your life's purpose is.
I haven't found my partner. And that's okay. Simply dating around to try to find somebody who will maybe make me happy is frustrating and a waste of time. Again, I'm not saying dating is bad or anything, but I know myself. I've spent so much energy on trying to find "the one" that I've missed out on living life and learning to become the person God has called me to be.
Yeah, there are times that I wonder why I'm still single and think that it would be nice to just have somebody, but I also have figured out in the last few years that I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
So this holiday season, I'll do my best to be more gracious when people ask the nosy questions and provide their two cents on how the clock's ticking and I'll end up alone if I don't get moving.
Don't worry...when the time is right for me, I'll be ecstatic! But I trust God's timing...and He seems to know what He's doing.
"Every single tear you cry, I've cried
Every single dark and lonely night
I've been there, I've been scared
You're not alone, I feel your hurt
In the middle of your night just call
You can run to Me I've felt it all
I've been there, I've been scared
You're not alone, I feel your hurt"
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Steady Heart
Having one of those moments where I wrestle with why God made me...well, me. You know, if it was me, God, I would've changed some things... I could lead better and more effectively if some key things were different.
Because I'm always on the outside looking in. Because I want to be a part of a club that I will never be accepted into. Because even though I may meet (almost) all the requirements to belong to this exclusive club, there's just one major one that I will never be able to meet.
I'm a girl. And I love it and hate it. I would never want to be a boy or anything. I love sparkles and glitter and almost all things girly (not so much all the pink, frilly things).
But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel when there's a double standard for me, only because I'm female. I don't know how I'm supposed to not be upset when I seem to have a set list of rules to follow and other people don't have to. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep smiling and not just scream at the unfairness of opportunities not offered to me or taken away from me because I don't happen to be a strong, male leader.
And yet, why can't I be a strong, female leader? I may lead differently than a male, but not in a way that's weaker or "bad." It's just different. I just want to be respected. I want the playing field to be level. I want the rules to apply to everyone and everyone to follow them.
I want to belong.
I understand that everyone has to submit to some sort of authority. And I am okay submitting to authority... But don't feel as if I should be expected to simply because I'm not male.
For now, I just sit here and wait. I don't know where the next step is.
But I trust that God didn't just leave me here with these gifts and then tell me not to use them to frustrate me. So, I will keep trusting... And maybe someday I'll understand.
"I can't see
What's in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You
Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on
Though the sky is dark
And the wind is wild
You'll never leave me
You'll never leave me
Though the night is long
There is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
The light is breaking
Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on
And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfh_x5rFuWc
Because I'm always on the outside looking in. Because I want to be a part of a club that I will never be accepted into. Because even though I may meet (almost) all the requirements to belong to this exclusive club, there's just one major one that I will never be able to meet.
I'm a girl. And I love it and hate it. I would never want to be a boy or anything. I love sparkles and glitter and almost all things girly (not so much all the pink, frilly things).
But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel when there's a double standard for me, only because I'm female. I don't know how I'm supposed to not be upset when I seem to have a set list of rules to follow and other people don't have to. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep smiling and not just scream at the unfairness of opportunities not offered to me or taken away from me because I don't happen to be a strong, male leader.
And yet, why can't I be a strong, female leader? I may lead differently than a male, but not in a way that's weaker or "bad." It's just different. I just want to be respected. I want the playing field to be level. I want the rules to apply to everyone and everyone to follow them.
I want to belong.
I understand that everyone has to submit to some sort of authority. And I am okay submitting to authority... But don't feel as if I should be expected to simply because I'm not male.
For now, I just sit here and wait. I don't know where the next step is.
But I trust that God didn't just leave me here with these gifts and then tell me not to use them to frustrate me. So, I will keep trusting... And maybe someday I'll understand.
"I can't see
What's in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You
Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on
Though the sky is dark
And the wind is wild
You'll never leave me
You'll never leave me
Though the night is long
There is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
The light is breaking
Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on
And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfh_x5rFuWc
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Better Than a Hallelujah
Lately, there have been countless posts going up about Robin Williams and his suicide. I didn't think I was going to jump in and post anything, as everyone seems to have their opinion and I didn't want to share mine, but seeing a few more prompted me this morning. Let me first say that my heart goes out to his family and friends. It is a terrible loss.
The post that prompted me this morning was a rant on how selfish suicide is. While I don't necessarily disagree, it does pain me to see that people are so quick to judge. Robin Williams didn't think it was selfish. Having been there a little more recently than I care to admit, he probably felt like it was a good option - no one would have to worry about him anymore or put up with the intense moods that come when battling depression.
Have you ever considered just how bad a person must feel if they feel that suicide is the only way out and then act on that option? I don't think it's a decision one takes lightly. You don't just wake up one morning and decide to end your life. I battle depression and PTSD every day. Every day. And it's really not easy. While I know how to manage these things, there's no cure. It doesn't go away. You don't wake up and magically feel better one day. It's not something I enjoy talking about because those who don't know what it's like will often write you off as overdramatic, or worse - crazy. And sometimes I wonder if they're right. Am I just crazy? So it's easier to keep my mouth shut and put on a happy face rather than let anyone see just how much I'm hurting. Before I continue on that track...
The other opinion that is floating around is that suicide is freeing. I'm sure most of you have seen the post floating around with the Genie hugging Aladdin with the words "Genie, you're free." Free? I guess in one way yes, you're free from those feelings that torment you day in and day out, but you know what? You're dead... That's it... And I don't see how death is a good option.
I don't know if Robin Williams believed in Jesus Christ. I know that Christ is the reason I don't act on my feelings when they become overwhelmingly dark. I don't think that people understand though that just because you give your life to Christ doesn't mean that the dark thoughts vanish and you're all better. No...depression is a disease. I do believe that Christ has the power to heal. I also understand that we live in a fallen world and life isn't easy here. There are days I don't want to get up and I don't want to have to face the day. Sometimes it's just really hard.
But I have to go back to God's promises. I was put here for a reason and have a purpose. This is just one of the battles I fight.
"We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah"
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
I was made for more...
I was made for more...
But I don't know how to get there.
I'm not your typical "feminist." In all honesty, I don't really see myself as one, but I'm sure this will be written off as another crazy feminist rant about how men and women are not equal blah blah blah. And again my feelings will be discounted because I'm just being a "crazy" woman.
But you know what? There's probably not a day that goes by that part of me doesn't wish that I was a guy. I'm not saying that I think I should be a guy or it's a mistake that I'm female, but life would be a lot easier if I was a guy.
Why?
Well... I have a dominant personality. I like to be in charge and have no problem making a final decision. I know that I can be a extremely bossy, so I do my best to keep it in check and truly value input from other people when making a decision and will seriously consider other people's feelings and thoughts. At the end of the day though, if I am in charge, I have to and will make the final decision. But there are times where I don't feel respected and if I were to demand that respect as a guy would, I would be written off as a b*tch. Sorry for the language, but it's true. So I go through life always walking on eggshells because if I'm not super careful with how I handle a given situation, I will be labeled as a witch... Or I'm PMSing or something else that's completely stupid that has nothing to do with anything except that it's easier to write me off as a silly girl than show me some respect.
And I fully understand that respect is earned. But why do I have to work harder for it?
And then there's music. I love music. I don't want to sound conceited or like I'm bragging about look at all the abilities I was given, but God blessed me with musical talent and I do my best to use it to the best of my ability. I spend countless hours practicing and working at it. It's the best part of my day and something I truly find joy in.
But it also has the power to hurt me immensely. And I know I've written things about this before, but look around... Where are all the women? How many bands can you think of that are female fronted? And out of those bands, how many of the front women play an instrument too? Or even think of how many popular bands have female members? Or all female members? Maybe I'm listening to the wrong music, but my lists come up pretty short every time.
I'm definitely not saying that we should throw women who aren't all that talented into music. But I'm sure there are far more talented women out there who aren't getting the attention they deserve because they've been written off since they're not one of the guys. I don't understand why the playing field isn't level. And why I can't be taken completely seriously because my body parts are different.
The thing is, this is going to be written off as a bitchy rant and if she would just stop having a temper tantrum she would see that everything is fine and things are equal.
If that's true, then why do I spend so much time wrestling with the way I was created? I know I was created this way for a reason, but I don't understand why I have to fight to be recognized as equal.
I find it really difficult to come to terms with the fact that it will probably never change either.
But I don't know how to get there.
I'm not your typical "feminist." In all honesty, I don't really see myself as one, but I'm sure this will be written off as another crazy feminist rant about how men and women are not equal blah blah blah. And again my feelings will be discounted because I'm just being a "crazy" woman.
But you know what? There's probably not a day that goes by that part of me doesn't wish that I was a guy. I'm not saying that I think I should be a guy or it's a mistake that I'm female, but life would be a lot easier if I was a guy.
Why?
Well... I have a dominant personality. I like to be in charge and have no problem making a final decision. I know that I can be a extremely bossy, so I do my best to keep it in check and truly value input from other people when making a decision and will seriously consider other people's feelings and thoughts. At the end of the day though, if I am in charge, I have to and will make the final decision. But there are times where I don't feel respected and if I were to demand that respect as a guy would, I would be written off as a b*tch. Sorry for the language, but it's true. So I go through life always walking on eggshells because if I'm not super careful with how I handle a given situation, I will be labeled as a witch... Or I'm PMSing or something else that's completely stupid that has nothing to do with anything except that it's easier to write me off as a silly girl than show me some respect.
And I fully understand that respect is earned. But why do I have to work harder for it?
And then there's music. I love music. I don't want to sound conceited or like I'm bragging about look at all the abilities I was given, but God blessed me with musical talent and I do my best to use it to the best of my ability. I spend countless hours practicing and working at it. It's the best part of my day and something I truly find joy in.
But it also has the power to hurt me immensely. And I know I've written things about this before, but look around... Where are all the women? How many bands can you think of that are female fronted? And out of those bands, how many of the front women play an instrument too? Or even think of how many popular bands have female members? Or all female members? Maybe I'm listening to the wrong music, but my lists come up pretty short every time.
I'm definitely not saying that we should throw women who aren't all that talented into music. But I'm sure there are far more talented women out there who aren't getting the attention they deserve because they've been written off since they're not one of the guys. I don't understand why the playing field isn't level. And why I can't be taken completely seriously because my body parts are different.
The thing is, this is going to be written off as a bitchy rant and if she would just stop having a temper tantrum she would see that everything is fine and things are equal.
If that's true, then why do I spend so much time wrestling with the way I was created? I know I was created this way for a reason, but I don't understand why I have to fight to be recognized as equal.
I find it really difficult to come to terms with the fact that it will probably never change either.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
The Altar
"You look like you're going to cry."
Yep... That's where I was at tonight. And I'm grateful for God placing people in my life who know that when I say "I'm fine" it's a huge lie. Praise God for using these dear friends to speak truth into my life.
I just needed a reminder that there's no shame within my scars. God truly does work all things together for my good. Somehow, everything works out.
Had you told me seven years ago that I would move across the country and get a Master's degree (and be single!) I would've looked at you like you were crazy. Had you told that girl, who had completely walked away from God and wasn't even sure she knew if He existed, that she would be leading worship and loving it and relying on Jesus seven years from that moment, I would've laughed at you.
What happened back then was evil and designed to break me. And it didn't. And believe me, I definitely tried to check out early of the mess that is life. But God clearly had other plans for me. And I find again and again that I am amazed that He cares that much about me. Because I know I really don't deserve it. And I still question why He would want to use me in His plan. I don't have all the answers, but I know He loves me with a love that I can't even begin to describe.
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:37).
"There's a place, a place of healing
There is no shame within your scars
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presence of a Holy God"
Yep... That's where I was at tonight. And I'm grateful for God placing people in my life who know that when I say "I'm fine" it's a huge lie. Praise God for using these dear friends to speak truth into my life.
I just needed a reminder that there's no shame within my scars. God truly does work all things together for my good. Somehow, everything works out.
Had you told me seven years ago that I would move across the country and get a Master's degree (and be single!) I would've looked at you like you were crazy. Had you told that girl, who had completely walked away from God and wasn't even sure she knew if He existed, that she would be leading worship and loving it and relying on Jesus seven years from that moment, I would've laughed at you.
What happened back then was evil and designed to break me. And it didn't. And believe me, I definitely tried to check out early of the mess that is life. But God clearly had other plans for me. And I find again and again that I am amazed that He cares that much about me. Because I know I really don't deserve it. And I still question why He would want to use me in His plan. I don't have all the answers, but I know He loves me with a love that I can't even begin to describe.
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:37).
"There's a place, a place of healing
There is no shame within your scars
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presence of a Holy God"
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Even If... A year later
I know, I know... I've used this song before and it was actually almost a year ago that I used it to write about trusting God even if the healing doesn't come. At that time, I related it to healing from physical pain from my dance injury. Well fast forward to now and that's still where I'm at... I got hurt again (at work this time) and have had to accept that I will probably live with it for the rest of my life. Could God heal me completely? I have no doubt that He can. But that's not something He's promised and I have to be so careful not to fall into the routine that if I do x, y, and z, then clearly God will see just how faithful I am and He'd want to heal me completely.
That's not how it works.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to write about today...emotional pain.
I can't remember the exact date - I don't want to and even if I did, I still think it's my mind's way of protecting me from other things that could come back too. But somehow, I still know. Seven years later and around this time every year, I become withdrawn and irritable with everyone. It took me awhile this week to figure out why I was/am being a...well...a witch. ;-) But I know. And I don't know that I'm ready to now (or ever) spill everything on the internet. (I won't say 'never' though...because I've shared quite a bit of everything with hundreds of people at Calvary on Campus, so who knows?)
Anyways, that's not the point. It took me longer to figure out this time because I feel like it shouldn't impact me this much anymore. I have spent hours in prayer over it by myself and with others praying for me. I've been to healing retreats. I've been to counseling. It's also been years now. So can't I be done with this crap yet? And I've just been asking God why?
A reminder came from reading Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery. (Fantastic book, by the way.) God doesn't promise a lot of the things we assume. Just because we're faithful and do everything "right," it doesn't mean He will reward us with what we want.
But God does promise to be enough for us. Are there going to be times where I feel like I have this week? Yes. Life isn't easy. This world is not my home and until the day I get to Heaven, I will struggle because life here isn't perfect. Until then, I need to keep running to God and trusting that He will be there for me.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).
"Sometimes all we have to hold onto
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"
My cover of Even If: https://soundcloud.com/raevynnnicole/even-if
Original version by Kutless: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0
That's not how it works.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to write about today...emotional pain.
I can't remember the exact date - I don't want to and even if I did, I still think it's my mind's way of protecting me from other things that could come back too. But somehow, I still know. Seven years later and around this time every year, I become withdrawn and irritable with everyone. It took me awhile this week to figure out why I was/am being a...well...a witch. ;-) But I know. And I don't know that I'm ready to now (or ever) spill everything on the internet. (I won't say 'never' though...because I've shared quite a bit of everything with hundreds of people at Calvary on Campus, so who knows?)
Anyways, that's not the point. It took me longer to figure out this time because I feel like it shouldn't impact me this much anymore. I have spent hours in prayer over it by myself and with others praying for me. I've been to healing retreats. I've been to counseling. It's also been years now. So can't I be done with this crap yet? And I've just been asking God why?
A reminder came from reading Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery. (Fantastic book, by the way.) God doesn't promise a lot of the things we assume. Just because we're faithful and do everything "right," it doesn't mean He will reward us with what we want.
But God does promise to be enough for us. Are there going to be times where I feel like I have this week? Yes. Life isn't easy. This world is not my home and until the day I get to Heaven, I will struggle because life here isn't perfect. Until then, I need to keep running to God and trusting that He will be there for me.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).
"Sometimes all we have to hold onto
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"
My cover of Even If: https://soundcloud.com/raevynnnicole/even-if
Original version by Kutless: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I Surrender
Again and again, I have to remember that I need to surrender...daily. When I wake up in the morning, I have to die to myself. Some things are far easier to let go of and bury than others. Over and over, I find myself bargaining with God.
"I will give You this problem and that desire and this fear, but I can handle this issue and I really want this and I'm afraid of what You'll do if I let go of that..."
Why?
In wrestling with it today, God challenged me. Why? Why am I so afraid of just handing everything over? I love being in complete control... I like to be the boss. I really don't like to be told what to do, especially if I don't like it.
But repeatedly we are commanded to "fear not." I don't have an exact number for how many times it shows up in the Bible, but I know it's a lot!
It seems silly that this is a lesson I have to keep coming back to... Haven't I already faced my biggest fears...and lived through them? And no, I'm not talking about being terrified of spiders or anything, although I seem to always live through those encounters as well! But hasn't God always been there, pulling me through, even when I wasn't sure everything was going to be okay? And wasn't He there when I walked away and said I was done with this religion business?
In fact, looking back at it all, He'd never left. I was just trying really hard to ignore Him because I was so angry. And really afraid that if I admitted that then I would be forced to let go and accept that I couldn't handle it by myself. And I would have to let go of my anger. I would have to move on, grow, and learn.
And heal.
And even after all of that, I feel like it should just be easy to surrender everything...and I find that it's not. I have to make that decision daily - sometimes even several times a day!
God answers 'yes,' 'no,' and 'not now.' I'm not sure if I find 'not now' or 'no' more frustrating. I guess with 'no' there's a sense of closure, even if it isn't the answer I wanted. A 'no' is always for my own good. God doesn't say 'no' to be mean! He's protecting me.
Honestly, maybe it's the 'not now' I find more irritating because it allows me to hope. And I'm always afraid of being disappointed. And afraid that somehow by hoping too much the 'not now' will turn into a 'no.'
Regardless of the answer, I need to surrender. His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. While I may not understand everything in a given moment, it seems to all work out.
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI
"I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me
Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me"
"I will give You this problem and that desire and this fear, but I can handle this issue and I really want this and I'm afraid of what You'll do if I let go of that..."
Why?
In wrestling with it today, God challenged me. Why? Why am I so afraid of just handing everything over? I love being in complete control... I like to be the boss. I really don't like to be told what to do, especially if I don't like it.
But repeatedly we are commanded to "fear not." I don't have an exact number for how many times it shows up in the Bible, but I know it's a lot!
It seems silly that this is a lesson I have to keep coming back to... Haven't I already faced my biggest fears...and lived through them? And no, I'm not talking about being terrified of spiders or anything, although I seem to always live through those encounters as well! But hasn't God always been there, pulling me through, even when I wasn't sure everything was going to be okay? And wasn't He there when I walked away and said I was done with this religion business?
In fact, looking back at it all, He'd never left. I was just trying really hard to ignore Him because I was so angry. And really afraid that if I admitted that then I would be forced to let go and accept that I couldn't handle it by myself. And I would have to let go of my anger. I would have to move on, grow, and learn.
And heal.
And even after all of that, I feel like it should just be easy to surrender everything...and I find that it's not. I have to make that decision daily - sometimes even several times a day!
God answers 'yes,' 'no,' and 'not now.' I'm not sure if I find 'not now' or 'no' more frustrating. I guess with 'no' there's a sense of closure, even if it isn't the answer I wanted. A 'no' is always for my own good. God doesn't say 'no' to be mean! He's protecting me.
Honestly, maybe it's the 'not now' I find more irritating because it allows me to hope. And I'm always afraid of being disappointed. And afraid that somehow by hoping too much the 'not now' will turn into a 'no.'
Regardless of the answer, I need to surrender. His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. While I may not understand everything in a given moment, it seems to all work out.
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI
"I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me
Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me"
Sunday, February 16, 2014
After All (Holy)
Since getting a TENS unit, I'd forgotten to some extent what excruciating pain felt like. I want to clarify that even though it helps tremendously, it doesn't make everything magically better. It just takes the edge off, which is enough for me and I'm grateful for that. (It's better than nothing!)
Well, everything tends to fluctuate and over the past couple of days I could feel it coming. I sucked it up and put on my fashionable braces, wore my stylish TENS unit, and then tried not to do anything that was going to aggravate things further. Things seemed fine. I was even good and went for a walk today. I settled down to do a bunch of paperwork and WHAM! It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my spine and shattered it into a trillion pieces...
I sank down to the floor and ended up all sprawled out for the next hour and half. At first, the only thought that crossed my mind was why? Why did I feel like I did right after the dance injury or the workplace incident? I hadn't done anything. I was sitting down! I was wearing the stupid electrical stim. This wasn't supposed to happen! It was supposed to fix everything!
In the past, I would've directed my anger towards God. (Anybody who's read this long enough/knows me really well knows that I tend to try to have power struggles with God...frequently.) I can't say that it's because of anything I consciously decided to do, but all I could think of were the words to After All (Holy):
"You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Heaven and earth are full, full of Your glory, Your glory
My soul it overflows, full of Your glory, Your glory
Blessed is He who reigns, full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of Your glory, Your glory
Hosanna we are found after all You are..."
And I just prayed... God, just get me through this. I don't really want to spend the rest of the evening on the floor.
Well, everything tends to fluctuate and over the past couple of days I could feel it coming. I sucked it up and put on my fashionable braces, wore my stylish TENS unit, and then tried not to do anything that was going to aggravate things further. Things seemed fine. I was even good and went for a walk today. I settled down to do a bunch of paperwork and WHAM! It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my spine and shattered it into a trillion pieces...
I sank down to the floor and ended up all sprawled out for the next hour and half. At first, the only thought that crossed my mind was why? Why did I feel like I did right after the dance injury or the workplace incident? I hadn't done anything. I was sitting down! I was wearing the stupid electrical stim. This wasn't supposed to happen! It was supposed to fix everything!
In the past, I would've directed my anger towards God. (Anybody who's read this long enough/knows me really well knows that I tend to try to have power struggles with God...frequently.) I can't say that it's because of anything I consciously decided to do, but all I could think of were the words to After All (Holy):
"You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Heaven and earth are full, full of Your glory, Your glory
My soul it overflows, full of Your glory, Your glory
Blessed is He who reigns, full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of Your glory, Your glory
Hosanna we are found after all You are..."
And I just prayed... God, just get me through this. I don't really want to spend the rest of the evening on the floor.
A little while later my roommate came home and we talked. Yes, I tried everything that normally works. And it's apparently just going to be one of those days where nothing does. We talked about what's going on this week and everything that needs to get done. (I'm so excited for worship team this week!) And I'm not one to jump to the conclusion that every time something bad happens it must be a spiritual attack, but the possibility did cross my mind. She also thought that might be a possibility. She left me with this verse: "Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word" (Psalm 119:37). Well, pain is a worthless thing to dwell on... And I know the only way I'm going to get through is relying on God - who is holy, glorious, and in complete control.
The Digital Age - After All (Holy)
"Light arises in the darkness for the upright; He is gracious and compassionate and righteous" (Psalm 112:4).
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