You Make Me Brave

Well... I didn't expect to have one of those tough love sessions with God this evening...

I've been sick and have slept most of the weekend.  When I was awake I had the worst migraine ever... So really, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.  That being said, I really wasn't in the Word this past weekend.  Only by the grace of God did I make it through both worship sets Sunday morning.  I was so very thankful for the snow day today too.  Anyways...this post was not to complain about how crummy I've been feeling, but since I've been missing my time with God, it did set me up for this evening.

I felt a bit better tonight.  Hung out some with my roommates, who are some of the greatest friends I have.  :-)  Given that there was nothing else on...we watched the train wreck of a show, The Bachelor.  Please don't judge!

Honestly, it just makes me sad... For all parties involved.  Are their motives for being there actually good?  I guess I really can't say or judge... But come on!  Who thought it would be a good idea to date, make out with, (and who knows what else?) with 25 people?  "I believe in the process."  What process?  My heart breaks for the women on the show who are throwing themselves at one guy.  I just want to scream "what are you doing?!"  These women are gorgeous, yes, but they also have successful careers!  They have opinions and beliefs.  And yet... I feel like they dumb themselves down just to try to get this one guy to give them 5 minutes.  I'm sorry...but even if he picked you, why would that be a reward?  I just wish they knew that they deserve so much more than what the shallow "process" offers them.

Do I sound judgmental?  Probably.  But in reality, I can't judge.  Not one bit.

While pondering these things, I headed to bed... I've been consistently spending time with God before bed, but being sick had thrown all of that off.  I groaned and thought about how much I'd just like to be sleeping...  I could always make up the time tomorrow, right?  But I felt God nudging me to spend time with Him.

"Oh please, God, I just want to sleep!  We can spend time together tomorrow!  Promise!"

I've missed you.

Still thinking about the women on the show, I got a reality check.

Don't you do that?

Do what?  Throw myself at a guy in the hopes of being accepted by him?  No!  I'm strong and independent and I...

Really?

Oh...

Thinking about it, I guess I do dumb myself down and hide parts of myself that I think guys probably wouldn't like anyways.  Too outspoken.  Too opinionated.  Oh and hey, maybe if I just bend on my values a little bit, it wouldn't hurt...right?  Right?  I can be the perfect girlfriend or whatever...

Though it is far beyond the scope of this blog at this point to go over everything that I think is wrong with the general attitude of the church towards women, I will say that I find it incredibly frustrating!!! I recently had a conversation with some friends about what you will see for the "Christian woman" if you walk into any bookstore and just browse the shelves in the Christian section.  You know what you'll find?  For the single woman, the majority of the books you'll find are all about how to use your single years to become the perfect wife.  Here's how you can wait for Prince Charming and not waste your time.  And for the married woman, many of the books help you become that perfect wife that you should've spent your single years trying to become.  Here's how you can help your husband in his God given calling.

If you look at the books for a man, you will find many that teach him about his calling and how to become everything that God wants him to be.  Where are his books for becoming the perfect husband to his wife?  Where are his books for when he's single on how to prepare for becoming the best husband he can be for his future wife?

How come it feels like my contributions to the church are not valuable or as valuable because I am a single woman?  And if I was married...would I just forever be in my husband's shadow?  Because his calling is the most important, right?  Where is my instruction and teaching for my calling and becoming everything God wants me to be?  What if I never get married?  Is my life a waste then?  Is my life any less valuable?  My calling less important?

Becoming frustrated with the realization that I'm just as desperate as those women to be accepted by a man, I put in my earbuds and pulled up the song that I selected to lead in a couple of weeks - "You Make Me Brave."  I started writing out the lyrics...and promptly started sobbing.

I don't know what my future holds.  But I know that God makes me brave.  And I can face whatever comes with Him leading the way.

If I remain single the rest of my life, then that's okay.  Over the last 5 and a half years of being single, I've slowly come to realize that I would much rather be 'alone' than with the wrong person.  I would rather be single and happy with who I am than be taken and not recognize myself because I've compromised who I am.  I do need reminders.  And I do have friends to keep me accountable.

For a while now, I've felt that I'm supposed to do something more with my life.  I've become very comfortable with where I am... Quite frankly, I just want to be left alone in my comfortable life.  The work that God has been doing in me over the last few years is amazing, but it terrifies me.  A former mentor told me a couple years ago that people actually listen when I speak.  That frightens me more than you know... I'm a screwed up nobody.  Who on earth would listen to anything I have to say?  It scares me even more that the name I was given at the healing retreat I was on had to do with this too. While pondering how I saw myself, my name was "voiceless."  The name God gave me was "she who speaks with power."  My own father got on his soapbox a couple of weeks ago, frustrated with me because I'm happy being comfortable, and let me know that this is not me and this is not who he raised me to be!  He raised me to dream big and fight for what I think is right.  And never settle...never, ever settle just because it's easier that way.

One of my favorite quotes on bravery and fear comes from The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot.

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."

Being brave doesn't mean that I'm not afraid.  I also know that God makes me brave.  Psalm 138:1-4 (EXB) says:

Lord, I will ·thank [praise] you with all my heart;
    I will ·sing [make a psalm] to you before the gods.
2 I will bow down facing your holy Temple,
    and I will ·thank [praise] ·you [L your name] for your ·love [loyalty] and ·loyalty [faithfulness].
You have ·made your name and your word
    greater than anything [L exalted your word above all your name].
3 On the day I ·called [prayed] to you, you answered me.
    You ·made me strong and brave [L have emboldened/encouraged my soul with strength].

4 Lord, let all the kings of the earth ·praise [thank] you
    when they hear the words ·you speak [L of your mouth].

God, You make me brave.

If you've made it to the end, thank you.  I know this was a long one.  And truly, I'm honestly surprised when anyone reads the crazy thoughts and rants that fall onto my blog.

I'll leave you with some of the lyrics to "You Make Me Brave."

"I have heard You call my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So, I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace, Your grace

As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way
For all to enter in

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me out beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
The love that made a way"

It Is Well/Look Up

I love this time of year.  It is the start of a brand new year!  The past year has brought me many a lesson to learn.  I've spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on everything that occurred during 2014.  A lot of it has been extremely painful and I'm not under the impression that 2015 is magically going to make many of those situations any easier, but I know that God uses all things for good.  While I truly don't understand everything going on in my life right now, I can look back and see that I've grown when I've trusted Him to handle things and pressed on instead of pouting and giving up on life.

There have been some dark times this year.  The same insecurities that I thought I had dealt with seem to creep up time and time again when I least expect it.  Though I've learned and continue to learn how to fight through many of those situations, I do recall recently explaining to one of my dear friends that dark thoughts about life and if it is even worth it are never far.  And how I think and feel that there is still shame attached to admitting that in Christian circles.  Because, after all, if you were truly trusting in Jesus, you wouldn't have to deal with that deep depression.  Why are we so quick to judge someone when she has the courage to say "I'm not okay?"  The truth is, while I do believe in healing and that I could one day never have to deal with this again, I also know that this could be something that I have to face in this life because it isn't perfect.  While this may seem extremely unfair, I've come to realize that everyone has difficult situations and circumstances to face in life.

I know I've written before that I think God never gives you more than you can handle.  Lately, I think there is still truth in that, but with a little amendment.  God may give you more than you can handle.  Why?  Because He wants you to just look up!  He wants you to realize that He's still there and He loves you so much more than you could ever even imagine!  Nothing that comes our way is too big for God to handle.  And sometimes it takes a lot to get our attention.

The song that got me through much of last year was Nichole Nordeman's version of Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Look Up).  Spotify calculated that it was my most played song last year.  Her version's lyrics speak of turning over all the broken pieces of our lives and watching what Jesus does with them.  We just need to look up at Him!

It reminds me of when Jesus walked on water and he called Peter out to him.  Peter got out of the boat and took some steps, but the second he looked away from Jesus, he started to sink.  He doubted and took his eyes off Jesus.  He just needed to look up.

I trust that God is going to get me through whatever 2015 throws my way.  I know that there will be a lot of carry over from 2014 and I can't change that, but I can change my outlook on it.  I'm tired of being bitter.  I'm tired of complaining constantly.  I'm tired of fighting.  But I will press on and trust that God will be with me and that He has everything under control.  And things may not turn out the way I want, but God's plan is always better.

I got a special surprise this evening from one of my fellow worship leaders.  He sent me a new song (It is Well) to learn to lead the next time my team is on for worship.  I'm so excited!  It's an amazing song and right now it really speaks to where I'm at with everything.  I wouldn't be surprised if it is one of my most played songs for this year.  The pre chorus lyrics are beautiful:

"And through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You.
And through it all, through it all, it is well.
And through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You.
And it is well with me."

I pray that I will remember to keep my eyes on Him this year, no matter what happens.  Through it all, it is well.

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If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts and are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.



Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Look Up): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBfHUrLGzNY

It Is Well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI

Scripture: Matthew 14:22-33