Sick of It

A friend posted an article today about how women aren't equals in music leadership and innovation.  I found myself saying, well I'm glad somebody else noticed too.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being on Broadway.  I wanted to be the star in musicals.  I knew I was good.  I was a triple threat.  (Meaning I could act, sing, and dance.)  But, I quickly found out that being "good" doesn't cut it sometimes.  You may be the best person at that audition, but there are many, many other factors that play against you.  Perhaps some people reading will think that I am quite full of myself and am probably just bitter because other people beat me out.  I'm not bitter at all...anymore.  I've learned not to be.

However, I found time and time again that girls are a dime a dozen when it comes to theatre.  Even opera, which would be my next pursuit.  I once auditioned for third tier chorus for Seattle Opera.  Third tier...  Do you know how many spots there were for women?  Two.  Just two.  Do you know how many women auditioned?  Probably hundreds.

I gave up those dreams a while ago.  I don't care for the lifestyle, but that's another story.  I also didn't think I would be able to handle the constant rejection.  And wondering if I really am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, talented enough.  The list goes on and on.

Before I go on, I want to say that it is not my intent to diminish other people's rejection.  Rejection sucks.  Period.

I did find that it seemed as if guys had it easier.  There were far more spots available for third tier opera chorus.  And far fewer men auditioned for them.  It always seems that shows (be it musicals or plays) are always scrambling for more guys.  Can you dance?  No?  How about move?  Great!  And if you could carry a tune then that's an added bonus!

I found myself irritated during one of the shows I did.  Why?  Because I had a bigger part and naturally had to go to a zillion rehearsals.  There were guys who had to attend very few rehearsals.  And you know what?  We got paid almost exactly the same.  Could I say anything about how it seemed unfair?  No, because there would instantly be ten, twenty, or more girls ready to take the spot that I had.

Why am I dragging all this up?  Well, at the Removing the Stones retreat, one of the leaders prayed with me.  And she felt that I hated myself...because I'm a girl.

Woah... It was never something I'd actually thought of.  Sure, I've always wanted to hang out with the guys and do whatever they were doing.  I get along far better with guys than I do with girls, but I never acknowledged what she pointed out to me.

I hate being a girl.

I love dressing up.  I love putting on make up and doing girly things.  I'm NOT saying I want to be a boy or I wish I was because I don't.  I simply hate being a girl because I feel powerless.  And weak.  And somehow less valuable than a man.

The whole article made me think about my frustrations even more when it comes to music.  I've always wanted to have a band/be in a band.  I tried so hard in high school and then just gave up in college.  It's the boys that get to go jam and have fun.  For me, it was frustrating that there weren't a bunch of girls who could also play a bunch of instruments.  I still don't know many girls who do.  I love learning new instruments.  Teach me how to play everything!

Sometimes, I feel like because I am a girl, I don't get to do x because I'm not one of the guys.  I know it's probably not intentional.  And I know just based on the girls that I do know that girls who actually want to do that stuff might be a little harder to come by.  (And if I'm wrong, and I hope I am, I would love to know!)

That leader told me that God didn't make a mistake when He made me female.  He gave me the gifts I have and my personality for a reason.  He doesn't want me to feel bad about myself because somehow I'm "less."  I'm not.  But, she told me that I do need to embrace my femininity.  And figure out how to use these gifts too, without selling myself short.

I'm sick of hating myself for feeling this way.

Ironically, the song for my title today is by Skillet.  They have a girl drummer.  And a girl keyboardist who also gets to play rhythm guitar too.  Pretty awesome, if you ask me.

There's hope for me after all.  :-)

"Are you sick of it?
Raise your hands,
Get rid of it!
While there's a fighting chance.
Are you over it?
Bored to death?
Have you had enough regret?
Take a stand, raise your hands...
If you're sick of it!"