Lead Me to the Cross

Day 6...

More surrendering.  Oh, how I hate giving up control.  I like to be the boss.  I also know that I fall into the trap of treating God like Santa Claus.  Give me what I want, when I want it, and I wanted it five minutes ago...

But that's not what He's there for.  I mean, sure, He's fine with it when I ask for things.  However, I don't get to tell Him when to do it and that this is what I want and if you don't give it to me I'm going to be really unhappy and throw a fit about it.

So I took the time this morning to surrender.  What do you want from me, God?

The instructions were to go do something that made you feel closer to God.  It could be going on a walk, just sitting and waiting, listening to worship songs, etc.  Well, for me I feel closest to God when I'm worshipping.  I went and sat down at my keyboard and pulled out one of the many books I have of worship songs and just started playing and singing.  Waiting...

And at first I didn't hear Him.

"Please speak to me," I begged.

And I waited...

Nothing yet...so I kept playing.  Song after song.

And at some point, I got frustrated with the music and having to either transpose in my head or flip awkwardly between the part of a guy's singing range that I have and a normal female range.

"Why doesn't anybody write anything that a girl can sing?!"

I flipped the book over, where it shows the contents of it.  It was one of those books that's something like "top worship songs of x year."  I think I picked up the 2009-2010 one.  Out of the 20-25 songs they picked, do you know how many were girl songs?

Two.

And before I go on, let me tell you something (and this will make some of you cringe...)  I don't consider myself a "feminist."  So I'm not going to start a rant on that topic, but out of all the songs that were probably released that year, there were only two worth including in the book?

And when I thought about it...the songs I often go to to sing or play are often songs written and/or sang by a guy.  Why?  I'm not sure, but I often find that I don't like many of the songs female artists are releasing.  And there aren't even that many to begin with.  And even though the song for the title today "Lead Me to the Cross" was written by and usually performed by a female, do you know what version they had in the book?  A cover version...for guys.  Really?

I guess to continue my thoughts from yesterday, where are the female artists?

"Where are you?"

I heard Him in my frustration.

"I'm right here," I snapped.  Still frustrated.

"Write."

I felt like being a smart mouth and asking God if He had read my blog yesterday.  Don't you know it's harder for me because I'm a girl?

"Is this what You really want from me?"

And at that moment, I burst into tears.  I knew the answer already.  What would I have to give up?  Who would I disappoint?

I read the words to "Lead Me to the Cross" again.

"Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down
Rid me of myself 
I belong to You
Oh lead me
Lead me to the cross"

Rid me of myself... I belong to You.

"Okay, God.  I surrender."