I Will Follow (again)

So, I've taken guys off the table for 10 days after the Agape event on Friday.  And it's really hard.  And I don't think I've done a great job so far and it's only day 2...  Who would've thought 10 days would be so difficult?  I guess it goes to show that my heart is in the wrong place...  And I hate admitting that.  This is an area that I don't like surrendering.  I know what I want... So why can't I just have it?

After all the garbage I've been through in relationships, I have a really hard time trusting God with this aspect of my life.  But deep down I know that I can't blame Him for the stuff that happened.  I want to, but I can't.  A lot of it was my own fault.  And the rest of it, well it wasn't, but unfortunately we live in a fallen world.  I know His heart broke for me.  And I can't blame Him for the bad things that happened.

So why can't I let go?  Why can't I trust that He has a good plan for me?  After all, everything I've done so far isn't working.  Wouldn't it be smarter to just surrender it to Him and trust that He's got it?

Working through the material for Day 2, I felt God say "Trust Me."

"But I don't want to give this up.  I don't want to give x, y, and z up.  If I do, it'll be gone forever and I'll just be miserable the rest of my life."

I hate feeling that way.  I hate admitting it.  But God is forever patient with me.

"Trust Me with it.  Just be patient and I'll take of it."

Okay... The journal part said to ask for the Holy Spirit to fill you.  And with that comes conviction to do something.  So I surrendered, in tears - terrified of being asked to give up what I really don't want to...

And I waited.

And the answer I got shocked me.

"Write."

What?  Aren't you going to pry all these dreams out of my tightly clenched fists and send me off to some country with huge spiders or something?

"Write."

And that was it.  I knew instantly what I was supposed to write.  My journal from Removing the Stones confirmed it too.

So, I guess I'm starting a writing project.  It's not going to be easy.  I can already see the sacrifice of time that's going to go into research and writing.

Sacrificing is so much better than saying 'no' though.  Jesus gave everything for me.  How could I say no?

Again and again this year, instead of hearing 'no,' I hear 'wait.'  Wait... Something I'm not good at.  Most days I have about zero patience for anything.

And yet, there must be some in there.  With my job, I really have to practice patience.

There's hope for me yet.  :-)

"Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve, I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You"