I Surrender

Again and again, I have to remember that I need to surrender...daily.  When I wake up in the morning, I have to die to myself.  Some things are far easier to let go of and bury than others.  Over and over, I find myself bargaining with God.

"I will give You this problem and that desire and this fear, but I can handle this issue and I really want this and I'm afraid of what You'll do if I let go of that..."

Why?

In wrestling with it today, God challenged me.  Why?  Why am I so afraid of just handing everything over?  I love being in complete control... I like to be the boss.  I really don't like to be told what to do, especially if I don't like it.

But repeatedly we are commanded to "fear not."  I don't have an exact number for how many times it shows up in the Bible, but I know it's a lot!

It seems silly that this is a lesson I have to keep coming back to... Haven't I already faced my biggest fears...and lived through them?  And no, I'm not talking about being terrified of spiders or anything, although I seem to always live through those encounters as well!  But hasn't God always been there, pulling me through, even when I wasn't sure everything was going to be okay?  And wasn't He there when I walked away and said I was done with this religion business?

In fact, looking back at it all, He'd never left.  I was just trying really hard to ignore Him because I was so angry.  And really afraid that if I admitted that then I would be forced to let go and accept that I couldn't handle it by myself.  And I would have to let go of my anger.  I would have to move on, grow, and learn.

And heal.

And even after all of that, I feel like it should just be easy to surrender everything...and I find that it's not.  I have to make that decision daily - sometimes even several times a day!

God answers 'yes,' 'no,' and 'not now.'  I'm not sure if I find 'not now' or 'no' more frustrating.  I guess with 'no' there's a sense of closure, even if it isn't the answer I wanted.  A 'no' is always for my own good.  God doesn't say 'no' to be mean!  He's protecting me.

Honestly, maybe it's the 'not now' I find more irritating because it allows me to hope.  And I'm always afraid of being disappointed.  And afraid that somehow by hoping too much the 'not now' will turn into a 'no.'

Regardless of the answer, I need to surrender.  His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine.  While I may not understand everything in a given moment, it seems to all work out.

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI

"I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me"