Hurt

So...here we go... The holiday season is approaching!  I'm excited to see family and friends I don't get to see very often.  I really love this time of the year.

But there is something about this time of the year that I dread... The endless nosy questions about my love life, or lack of one, and then comes the countless attempts to set me up with...well any living, breathing single male that may or may not have anything even kind of in common with me.

Maybe this sounds extremely bitter.  Or you think I'm coming from a place of jealousy for everyone who has found their 'someone.'  But that's not the case at all.  In fact, my brother is getting married very soon and I'm so excited for him and his fiancé!  I'm glad they've found each other and wish them nothing but the best.  I'm not the slightest bit upset that it's not me having this moment first because I'm the oldest sibling.  I'm truly happy for them!

My issue is that there are people who think that I can't be somebody without anyone else.  Like there's something wrong with me for still being single and not having any sort of serious relationship, especially at this point in my life.  I can hear the lectures already about not finding anyone in undergrad...or grad school...so how can I expect to meet someone at this point?  Why not try online dating? (Been there, done that, no thank you very much.)

...

It's been a really rough year thus far.  And I'll admit, I haven't done a very good job of just trusting God with all the really crappy situations that have come up.  I've complained more than I should and thrown some really awesome pity parties for one.  God continues to surround me with people who encourage me and honestly, who put up with me when I'm sure I'm not very fun to be around...

But I've learned so much about myself through all of this.  I'm still here.  I woke up this morning.  I'm still breathing.

God hasn't taken away the struggles.  He knows it allows me to grow stronger.  I was reading the other night about how we can compare this to butterflies.  When you open a chrysalis for the butterfly, it dies because it's not strong enough to fly.  When you allow it to struggle, by the time it breaks free, it is strong enough to fly.  While I still want God to take away all the hard things, I know that an easy way out isn't going to make me stronger.

How does this all relate to the rant above?

Well... I guess the next person who asks "Is there anyone special in your life?" is going to get an answer that's more than eye rolls and dramatic sighs.  There is... Jesus.  And I mean that genuinely.

I'll tell you what He's doing in my life and how I'm growing.  About how I've learned to dream big dreams again.  About how I'm discovering my calling and that scares me so much, but if I never go after it and just try to live comfortably and safely that I'll always be restless and unhappy.

In no way am I saying that I think a serious relationship and marriage are the "safe" and "comfortable" way to do anything.  I think marriage is more than "happily every after" and all the lovey-dovey, fairy tale fantasies.  It's about having a partner to fulfill your God-given calling.  So...you kind of have to be on the same page about what your life's purpose is.

I haven't found my partner.  And that's okay.  Simply dating around to try to find somebody who will maybe make me happy is frustrating and a waste of time.  Again, I'm not saying dating is bad or anything, but I know myself.  I've spent so much energy on trying to find "the one" that I've missed out on living life and learning to become the person God has called me to be.

Yeah, there are times that I wonder why I'm still single and think that it would be nice to just have somebody, but I also have figured out in the last few years that I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person.

So this holiday season, I'll do my best to be more gracious when people ask the nosy questions and provide their two cents on how the clock's ticking and I'll end up alone if I don't get moving.

Don't worry...when the time is right for me, I'll be ecstatic!  But I trust God's timing...and He seems to know what He's doing.

"Every single tear you cry, I've cried
Every single dark and lonely night
I've been there, I've been scared
You're not alone, I feel your hurt
In the middle of your night just call
You can run to Me I've felt it all
I've been there, I've been scared
You're not alone, I feel your hurt"