Steady Heart

Having one of those moments where I wrestle with why God made me...well, me.  You know, if it was me, God, I would've changed some things... I could lead better and more effectively if some key things were different.

Because I'm always on the outside looking in.  Because I want to be a part of a club that I will never be accepted into.  Because even though I may meet (almost) all the requirements to belong to this exclusive club, there's just one major one that I will never be able to meet.

I'm a girl.  And I love it and hate it.  I would never want to be a boy or anything.  I love sparkles and glitter and almost all things girly (not so much all the pink, frilly things).

But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel when there's a double standard for me, only because I'm female.  I don't know how I'm supposed to not be upset when I seem to have a set list of rules to follow and other people don't have to.  I don't know how I'm supposed to keep smiling and not just scream at the unfairness of opportunities not offered to me or taken away from me because I don't happen to be a strong, male leader.

And yet, why can't I be a strong, female leader?  I may lead differently than a male, but not in a way that's weaker or "bad."  It's just different.  I just want to be respected.  I want the playing field to be level.  I want the rules to apply to everyone and everyone to follow them.

I want to belong.

I understand that everyone has to submit to some sort of authority.  And I am okay submitting to authority... But don't feel as if I should be expected to simply because I'm not male.

For now, I just sit here and wait.  I don't know where the next step is.

But I trust that God didn't just leave me here with these gifts and then tell me not to use them to frustrate me.  So, I will keep trusting...  And maybe someday I'll understand.

"I can't see
What's in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing 
Lead me on

Though the sky is dark
And the wind is wild
You'll never leave me
You'll never leave me

Though the night is long
There is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
The light is breaking

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing 
Lead me on

And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfh_x5rFuWc