Give Me Faith

What a day...

The last time I wrote I talked about how I have to take tests that determine if the last six years of my life were actually worth it.  I wrote about how difficult it is to take tests.

Today, was the one I was most worried about.  The one that really counted.

Today... I won.

What do I mean?  I mean that today was the first time since being told I had PTSD that it wasn't a complete struggle and/or disaster when I sat down to take the test.  Today, it didn't get in the way.

You have 120 minutes to complete 120 questions for this test.  That didn't exactly thrill me when I found out.  I sat down and prayed.  God has a plan for me.  It was going to be okay, regardless of the outcome.  And then I started flying through the questions.  And I ended up with 45 minutes to go back and check all of my answers...  Since it's a computer based test, it gets scored right there if you choose to submit your scores.  (If you don't, then you've just wasted your time (and money) and have to come back and retake it anyways.)  But once you hit 'yes,' it becomes part of your record.

Saying yes was most terrifying.  In getting to that point, I realized that I hadn't really struggled a lot to get through it.  There was still tons of time on the clock.  Wait, wasn't this supposed to be difficult?  What if I answered them all wrong and I don't know what I'm doing?

But a small part of me hoped that this time, I actually had it.  This time, the information didn't all fall out of my head when I sat down at the computer.  So I said 'yes.'  I needed at least a 600 to pass.

The score that flashed across the screen was far, far above a 600.

It took everything in me to not start crying right there in the testing center.

I don't know why I've had to struggle the last six years.  I'm not saying that I've suddenly become wonderful at taking tests.  But I know today, that something clicked.  And it happened where it really counted.

I'm so thankful for everyone who has been praying for me.  I'm thankful for all the support.

I'm thankful that God hasn't given up on me.

"I need You to soften my heart 
To break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life"