Cornerstone

So today I spent a good chunk of change on test prep books for the Praxis exams that I have to take to be a Speech-Language Pathologist.  My friend asked me, couldn't you just get one book?  I explained that I wish I could just get one book...unfortunately, I'm a terrible test taker.  I'm all registered for the tests...and terrified.  The last six years of my life are going to be decided in taking 2 two and a half hour exams.  I've never understood how you can evaluate someone and make such a huge decision on one or two silly tests!  I've worked hard and studied harder over the last six years of my life.  I know I'm a good therapist...  People I have worked with make progress.  People I've worked with tell me how much they appreciate me.  How can you, ETS, evaluate that?  How can you evaluate my curiosity and interest in research, my bedside manner, and the fact that kids seem to be drawn to me?  You can't...

And I can hear it now, 'you've studied for the last six years, of course you've got it.'  I wish I believed you.  I wish I thought that was true.  However, it comes down to the fact that I have to sit down and take a test...  And I know several people who will confirm that I know all the material forwards and backwards, inside and out, and even upside down before I sit down to take the test.  And yet, once the test is set in front of me everything seems to evaporate out of my head.  Many people say that if you just wait and breathe it'll come back.  A lot of the time it just doesn't...  I do and have used the skip the question and come back strategy and sometimes it is successful for me.  It's one of the few strategies I find that works.  But any computerized test I've ever taken from ETS doesn't let you skip ahead.  And once you sit down, the clock is ticking...

My neuroanatomy professor in undergrad was the first person to actually call me in and ask what was going on.  She knew I paid attention.  I probably took the most detailed notes anyone has ever seen.  And we talked for a long, long time about how things just don't stick on test day.  It got more personal. And eventually it came out that I do have PTSD.  While I've learned to manage, there are things that linger.  It can rewire your brain.  And you have to work really, really hard to get it to where it was before.  So, she gave me some strategies to try to see how we could get me to pass exams with decent grades.  We did find some that work... Unfortunately, they are so very time consuming and can backfire if I let myself stress over how long it is taking me to study each and every thing presented.  See, I have to read through everything again, rewrite my notes, make volumes of flashcards, and then write myself my own version of the test and take it.

And at the moment, I feel defeated all ready.  There's so much material.  So much to go through.  How will I ever feel prepared?

I start pleading with God - please don't tell me You've brought me this far to fail!  I can't fail!  What will I do?

And thus, another lesson in trust began.

So, I will prepare to the best of my ability.  But at the end of the day, I have to let go and just give it to God.  Whatever happens, He still has a plan and He loves me.  And that is enough.  If I don't get the outcome I want, will it be hard?  Of course, but at least I have hope that God's still looking out for me.

"My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus' name

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm 
He is Lord
Lord of all"