Name

Interesting title for a post, huh? I love my name. I always get asked about it because it is so unique. How did I get my name? 

Well, I arrived a month and 4 days early. And instead of the boy my parents were expecting, it was me. Being that I was early, they didn't have a name picked out for me. So after a couple days of thinking about it, they came up with Raevynn. Why? Well, I had black hair when I was born (weird, as it hasn't been that color since I was a toddler.) Raevynn is a combination of my Mom's middle name and my Dad's name. And the "y" is just because. :-)

I've always loved my name. And other kids (and even people in grad school) have told me how silly it is and all the reasons I shouldn't like it. I just laugh because I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it. My parents aren't cruel. They didn't scar me for life. I'm blessed with a beautiful name.

What about my other names though? What about the names that I have acquired through life? What do I mean? 

This retreat has been really hard. I'm uncovering a lot of the lies I think and believe about myself. And the list seems endless... One of the activities involved your name and I'm not talking about your actual name, but the name that is one of the lies you believe about yourself.

What is mine? Voiceless(powerless)

When did I lose my voice? For the last several hours the Holy Spirit has been showing me.

I was always picked on, teased, and made fun of. Even by teachers. There is a particularly painful incident in elementary school involving a teacher that wasn't even my teacher. She cracked a joke at my expense and the entire class laughed at me. She apologized later, but it hurt. 

After reporting abuse in junior high, the school told me and my parents that I was a liar. And that's when I decided to just really stop talking. If I opened my mouth, I'd get made fun of or called a liar. I've let people treat me poorly and use me. I've had some pretty messed up relationships too. And as I've talked about in other places, eventually I walked away from God completely. 

He never gave up on me and I'm walking with Him once more. But there are still plenty of lies I believe about myself. Which is why I'm at this retreat.

Tonight, I received a new name. God promises that we will receive a new name. For me, I will no longer be called Voiceless(powerless), but She who speaks with power.

She who speaks with power...

God, there must be some sort of mistake, I thought. But He showed me just how He has been preparing me for this name in the last couple of months.

When I went to Leadership Advance, I had to take a personality test. My results said that I was a high dominant personality. I sincerely thought there must be some sort of mistake. Me? Dominant? I don't think so... My goal is to be quiet, blend in, and not make waves.

At the end of that weekend, my mentor for the time there, Kendra, pointed out that even in my group of mostly dominant personalities, I managed to always get us back on track, make a decision, and stick to it so that we could get our task accomplished. I just thought that it was only because I want things to get done. But she pointed out that even though I may be dominant, I lead lovingly.

I told my Dad later. And his reaction shocked me. He said "Raevynn, when you walk into a room, everyone knows you're in charge." I tried to laugh it off, but he made it clear he was serious. Apparently, I can command attention. I pondered this for a time, but I'm comfortable blending in and supporting whoever else wants to be in charge. Please, don't give me the responsibility. (Even though there's a tiny part of me that wants it.) I started realizing that maybe I was dominant, but it scared me.

My Cru mentor, Heather, agreed with my Dad when I talked about it with her. And also pointed out how people listened to me when I shared at Calvary on Campus months before. And has been encouraging me to speak more. That I need to speak more...

My other Cru mentor, Ash, pointed out how much I'd grown on the servant team and how I've started speaking up little by little. And that people do value my ideas and opinions. In fact, I got asked to still help and volunteer with the servant team in an unofficial capacity.

People value my opinions? I still had a hard time believing it.

Even in places where I feel safe, like the servant team or the worship team, it's hard for me to offer an opinion. I pointed out to my friend, Greg (one of the worship leaders), that I really don't like talking in front of people so I don't like bringing things up and offering my opinion in rehearsal... And he said that he does value my opinion and I should speak up.

Really? Do people really value the crazy ideas that run through my head?

This weekend I've received a very, very clear answer. One of the leaders here told me when we were praying that she felt she needed to tell me that I am not voiceless or weak. I have authority and power and I will use it to help those who are still voiceless. I will also not abuse that power as others have, but will use it to advance God's Kingdom.

I am a high D. I should be speaking with power. I was not created to be silent. It's going to take a lot of work, but I have had a breakthrough. I have a new name.

I am not Voiceless(powerless).

I am She who speaks with power.

"He sees you
He's near you
He knows your face
He knows your pain
He sees you
And He loves you
He knows your name
He knows your name."