Untitled

Normally, the title of every blog post I write is a song title and somehow the lyrics fit in somewhere.  Not today though...

God had different plans for this weekend than I did.  There were things brought up that I didn't know needed to be discussed.

"You have all this musical talent.  Why aren't you using it?"

It was loud and clear to me.  But being argumentative, of course I had some things to say about that.  And I think I've said before, it doesn't ever work to argue with God, does it?

"What are you talking about?  I am using it.  I'm on the worship team at Calvary and I lead worship for PSCG."

"Is that all?"

"What more is there?"

"You used to dream bigger than that."

"Yeah well, you can't make a living doing what I want to do.  It's hard.  Nobody appreciates musicians.  Everyone downloads illegally and expects you to work for free.  So I had to figure out a different plan because nobody's going to take care of me."

"You still don't trust Me."

Now it probably would've been a good idea to shut up at that point, but that's something that I still have trouble with.  I want the last word.  I want to be right.  So I launched into a different excuse, since this argument wasn't working.

"Well, I'm a girl.  And you know, most bands are all boys.  Nobody wants to play with the girl.  And even if they did, the girl is just allowed to sing back up and maybe lead once in a while.  Can't let her do anything else!  Girls don't have good ideas."

"You still don't trust Me."

The Enemy attacks your calling.  He does not want you to fulfill your calling.  And after this weekend I see that more than ever before.

A lot of the bullying that happened to me growing up was because I was a good musician.  People didn't like it.  And I couldn't understand why people hated me because I was good.  And often when I say things like that others accuse me of being prideful.  But I don't say that with any pride.  I know that I'm a good musician.  God created me that way.

I also discovered how the Enemy attacks gender.  And it wasn't ever something I really noticed, but one of the leaders this weekend pointed out how much I hate being a girl.  And she's right.  It wasn't ever something I thought about because I like being girly.  I like doing hair and make-up and going shopping.  And there are never enough fancy events to wear gorgeous dresses to.  But it goes deeper than that.  I hate being a girl because I think I'm less valuable.  There is part of me that just wants to ask God "Haven't You made some sort of mistake?"  Even in my DISC assessment, I have a high D personality.  And my Strength Finder traits? Yeah, four of them are one of the ten ones that you find in the most successful leaders.  How am I supposed to be that and be a girl?  And back to music, why did you give me all these talents if I seem to be one of the few girls with these dreams?

"Would you give up everything for Me?"

I prayed long and hard last night over that question.  How many people would I disappoint?  What if I fail?  What if people don't understand?  Because they won't...

In the end, would any of those things matter?  He gave His life for mine.  Aren't I supposed to follow Him?

I don't know what He will ask me to give up yet.  But I do know that He has a plan.

And He's right.  I'm not using the gifts He gave me to their full potential.

Today, I didn't have a song.  Because out of everything I know, I couldn't think of one that fit.  And I take that to mean that there are still plenty of songs to be written.

I guess I have some work to do.