This is Who I Am

Coming back from a weekend where I feel like everything changed, I'm afraid that others won't understand where I'm coming from now.  I wish they could've experienced it with me.  I wish they could've seen the difference it made.

I really just want grace from others.  If you want to know what happened or what I'm thinking, just ask!  I'd be more than happy to tell you.

Perhaps the biggest difference is that I'm working on actually speaking up.  I'm not, nor do I want to be, that voiceless person anymore.  (And I'm not saying that I'm going to start being chatty Cathy all of the sudden - this is still scary for me.)  But I'm trying to be the person I've been called to be.  And honestly, I still don't have a lot of that worked out yet.  I'm excited and nervous all at the same time to see what God's going to do.

"This is who I am
It's where I stand
I won't apologize
This is why I'm free
Now I believe
I will not compromise
This is who I am"

Even If

Most of the time I manage living with pain fairly well.  Unfortunately, it's not all of the time.  On rare occasions, it actually wakes me up.  I went to bed early last night, trying to fight it off, but rolled over around 1 in the morning feeling like death.  Seriously?  Tuesday is my hard day.  I visit all of my schools and see kids back to back...all day.

I didn't feel much better getting up.  But before throwing a pity party, I remembered that I could rely on God to give me the strength to get through the day.

A lot of people have prayed for me.  Prayed that I would just be healed.  And I believe that God can do it, but I know He also doesn't have to.  He doesn't have to tell me His plans.  But I do know that He will get me through each day.  And today was no exception.  I saw all my kids, had a meeting and actually contributed a fantastic idea, and came home and did a cover song.  I'm not going to let pain dictate how I live my life.

"Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"

Untitled

Normally, the title of every blog post I write is a song title and somehow the lyrics fit in somewhere.  Not today though...

God had different plans for this weekend than I did.  There were things brought up that I didn't know needed to be discussed.

"You have all this musical talent.  Why aren't you using it?"

It was loud and clear to me.  But being argumentative, of course I had some things to say about that.  And I think I've said before, it doesn't ever work to argue with God, does it?

"What are you talking about?  I am using it.  I'm on the worship team at Calvary and I lead worship for PSCG."

"Is that all?"

"What more is there?"

"You used to dream bigger than that."

"Yeah well, you can't make a living doing what I want to do.  It's hard.  Nobody appreciates musicians.  Everyone downloads illegally and expects you to work for free.  So I had to figure out a different plan because nobody's going to take care of me."

"You still don't trust Me."

Now it probably would've been a good idea to shut up at that point, but that's something that I still have trouble with.  I want the last word.  I want to be right.  So I launched into a different excuse, since this argument wasn't working.

"Well, I'm a girl.  And you know, most bands are all boys.  Nobody wants to play with the girl.  And even if they did, the girl is just allowed to sing back up and maybe lead once in a while.  Can't let her do anything else!  Girls don't have good ideas."

"You still don't trust Me."

The Enemy attacks your calling.  He does not want you to fulfill your calling.  And after this weekend I see that more than ever before.

A lot of the bullying that happened to me growing up was because I was a good musician.  People didn't like it.  And I couldn't understand why people hated me because I was good.  And often when I say things like that others accuse me of being prideful.  But I don't say that with any pride.  I know that I'm a good musician.  God created me that way.

I also discovered how the Enemy attacks gender.  And it wasn't ever something I really noticed, but one of the leaders this weekend pointed out how much I hate being a girl.  And she's right.  It wasn't ever something I thought about because I like being girly.  I like doing hair and make-up and going shopping.  And there are never enough fancy events to wear gorgeous dresses to.  But it goes deeper than that.  I hate being a girl because I think I'm less valuable.  There is part of me that just wants to ask God "Haven't You made some sort of mistake?"  Even in my DISC assessment, I have a high D personality.  And my Strength Finder traits? Yeah, four of them are one of the ten ones that you find in the most successful leaders.  How am I supposed to be that and be a girl?  And back to music, why did you give me all these talents if I seem to be one of the few girls with these dreams?

"Would you give up everything for Me?"

I prayed long and hard last night over that question.  How many people would I disappoint?  What if I fail?  What if people don't understand?  Because they won't...

In the end, would any of those things matter?  He gave His life for mine.  Aren't I supposed to follow Him?

I don't know what He will ask me to give up yet.  But I do know that He has a plan.

And He's right.  I'm not using the gifts He gave me to their full potential.

Today, I didn't have a song.  Because out of everything I know, I couldn't think of one that fit.  And I take that to mean that there are still plenty of songs to be written.

I guess I have some work to do.

Love is War

Coming back from a retreat is always really hard, especially when so much happens.  All the way home, we wished we could've stayed.  And later this evening, we expressed how we wished we could've stayed away forever and wished we hadn't come back.

But I think one of the clear themes from the weekend was 'you're not a beginner anymore.'  You've reached a point in your healing that it's time to keep moving.  You must keep moving.

What is it about retreats that makes coming back so difficult?  Certainly it gives you the opportunity to only focus on God and the things He is saying to you.  I know I get so caught up in everything going on around me day to day that often devo time becomes something that I just need to get out of the way and check off the list so I can focus on more "important" things.  Haven't I missed the point?  What's more important than spending time with Him?

What is it that can make a retreat seem so special?  There's all the prayer that goes into it.  Sometimes it's easy to forget just how important prayer is...  People open up.  We're honest with each other.  We're vulnerable with each other.  We find out that we all have similar struggles and insecurities.

Why do we forget it when we come back?

Why can't we hold each other accountable, pray for each other, and be honest with each other without having to go on a retreat?

And perhaps the hardest thing, is that the Enemy will try to throw a stone at everything we've worked through this weekend and try to ruin everything that happened.  We have to fight for the truth and not believe his lies.

"Turn my eyes to see Your face
As all my fears surrender
Hold my heart within this grace
Where burden turns to wonder

I will fight to follow
I will fight for love
Throw my life forever
To the triumph of the Son

I know Your love has won it all
You took the fall
To embrace my sorrows
I know You took the fight
You came and died
But the grave was borrowed
I know You stood again
So I can stand with a life to follow
In the light of Your name"

Name

Interesting title for a post, huh? I love my name. I always get asked about it because it is so unique. How did I get my name? 

Well, I arrived a month and 4 days early. And instead of the boy my parents were expecting, it was me. Being that I was early, they didn't have a name picked out for me. So after a couple days of thinking about it, they came up with Raevynn. Why? Well, I had black hair when I was born (weird, as it hasn't been that color since I was a toddler.) Raevynn is a combination of my Mom's middle name and my Dad's name. And the "y" is just because. :-)

I've always loved my name. And other kids (and even people in grad school) have told me how silly it is and all the reasons I shouldn't like it. I just laugh because I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it. My parents aren't cruel. They didn't scar me for life. I'm blessed with a beautiful name.

What about my other names though? What about the names that I have acquired through life? What do I mean? 

This retreat has been really hard. I'm uncovering a lot of the lies I think and believe about myself. And the list seems endless... One of the activities involved your name and I'm not talking about your actual name, but the name that is one of the lies you believe about yourself.

What is mine? Voiceless(powerless)

When did I lose my voice? For the last several hours the Holy Spirit has been showing me.

I was always picked on, teased, and made fun of. Even by teachers. There is a particularly painful incident in elementary school involving a teacher that wasn't even my teacher. She cracked a joke at my expense and the entire class laughed at me. She apologized later, but it hurt. 

After reporting abuse in junior high, the school told me and my parents that I was a liar. And that's when I decided to just really stop talking. If I opened my mouth, I'd get made fun of or called a liar. I've let people treat me poorly and use me. I've had some pretty messed up relationships too. And as I've talked about in other places, eventually I walked away from God completely. 

He never gave up on me and I'm walking with Him once more. But there are still plenty of lies I believe about myself. Which is why I'm at this retreat.

Tonight, I received a new name. God promises that we will receive a new name. For me, I will no longer be called Voiceless(powerless), but She who speaks with power.

She who speaks with power...

God, there must be some sort of mistake, I thought. But He showed me just how He has been preparing me for this name in the last couple of months.

When I went to Leadership Advance, I had to take a personality test. My results said that I was a high dominant personality. I sincerely thought there must be some sort of mistake. Me? Dominant? I don't think so... My goal is to be quiet, blend in, and not make waves.

At the end of that weekend, my mentor for the time there, Kendra, pointed out that even in my group of mostly dominant personalities, I managed to always get us back on track, make a decision, and stick to it so that we could get our task accomplished. I just thought that it was only because I want things to get done. But she pointed out that even though I may be dominant, I lead lovingly.

I told my Dad later. And his reaction shocked me. He said "Raevynn, when you walk into a room, everyone knows you're in charge." I tried to laugh it off, but he made it clear he was serious. Apparently, I can command attention. I pondered this for a time, but I'm comfortable blending in and supporting whoever else wants to be in charge. Please, don't give me the responsibility. (Even though there's a tiny part of me that wants it.) I started realizing that maybe I was dominant, but it scared me.

My Cru mentor, Heather, agreed with my Dad when I talked about it with her. And also pointed out how people listened to me when I shared at Calvary on Campus months before. And has been encouraging me to speak more. That I need to speak more...

My other Cru mentor, Ash, pointed out how much I'd grown on the servant team and how I've started speaking up little by little. And that people do value my ideas and opinions. In fact, I got asked to still help and volunteer with the servant team in an unofficial capacity.

People value my opinions? I still had a hard time believing it.

Even in places where I feel safe, like the servant team or the worship team, it's hard for me to offer an opinion. I pointed out to my friend, Greg (one of the worship leaders), that I really don't like talking in front of people so I don't like bringing things up and offering my opinion in rehearsal... And he said that he does value my opinion and I should speak up.

Really? Do people really value the crazy ideas that run through my head?

This weekend I've received a very, very clear answer. One of the leaders here told me when we were praying that she felt she needed to tell me that I am not voiceless or weak. I have authority and power and I will use it to help those who are still voiceless. I will also not abuse that power as others have, but will use it to advance God's Kingdom.

I am a high D. I should be speaking with power. I was not created to be silent. It's going to take a lot of work, but I have had a breakthrough. I have a new name.

I am not Voiceless(powerless).

I am She who speaks with power.

"He sees you
He's near you
He knows your face
He knows your pain
He sees you
And He loves you
He knows your name
He knows your name."

Give Me Faith

What a day...

The last time I wrote I talked about how I have to take tests that determine if the last six years of my life were actually worth it.  I wrote about how difficult it is to take tests.

Today, was the one I was most worried about.  The one that really counted.

Today... I won.

What do I mean?  I mean that today was the first time since being told I had PTSD that it wasn't a complete struggle and/or disaster when I sat down to take the test.  Today, it didn't get in the way.

You have 120 minutes to complete 120 questions for this test.  That didn't exactly thrill me when I found out.  I sat down and prayed.  God has a plan for me.  It was going to be okay, regardless of the outcome.  And then I started flying through the questions.  And I ended up with 45 minutes to go back and check all of my answers...  Since it's a computer based test, it gets scored right there if you choose to submit your scores.  (If you don't, then you've just wasted your time (and money) and have to come back and retake it anyways.)  But once you hit 'yes,' it becomes part of your record.

Saying yes was most terrifying.  In getting to that point, I realized that I hadn't really struggled a lot to get through it.  There was still tons of time on the clock.  Wait, wasn't this supposed to be difficult?  What if I answered them all wrong and I don't know what I'm doing?

But a small part of me hoped that this time, I actually had it.  This time, the information didn't all fall out of my head when I sat down at the computer.  So I said 'yes.'  I needed at least a 600 to pass.

The score that flashed across the screen was far, far above a 600.

It took everything in me to not start crying right there in the testing center.

I don't know why I've had to struggle the last six years.  I'm not saying that I've suddenly become wonderful at taking tests.  But I know today, that something clicked.  And it happened where it really counted.

I'm so thankful for everyone who has been praying for me.  I'm thankful for all the support.

I'm thankful that God hasn't given up on me.

"I need You to soften my heart 
To break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life"