All I Need to Be

I can barely walk today.

And I don't mean oh it hurts a little bit, I mean that I can't move at all without being in excruciating pain.

I hate admitting that I'm in pain 24/7.  Most of the time I'm pretty good at faking it.  Most people don't know and I like it that way.  The last quarter of my senior year of college, I moved wrong in jazz (dance) class and injured my back permanently.  Since then, I figure out what I need to do each day to get by, but I manage to figure out how to do it without asking for help.  Because I don't like asking and I don't want people to think I'm weak.

Today was no exception.  Even with my family I don't like asking for help.  Today I was supposed to go shopping with my sister.  I quickly realized that there was no way I could go frolicking around the mall today, but I was still going to try.  My mom had already figured out that there was no way I could go and she and my sister talked.  My sister was okay with not going.  I still have a few days here that we can go together.

My mom told me that I was just going to have to start asking for help.  And in whining to Jenny, Devon, and Emily about it...well they basically all backed her up.

I went and just started thinking about what it's like to live with pain.  Being jealous of those who don't and have no idea what it's like.  As I flipped through my bookmarks, I landed on this one:

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." -Proverbs 14:30

I must admit, I don't have all the answers of how to deal with this.  I probably never will, but after some thought, I do know that I can make the best of the situation and live my life for God's glory and do what He calls me to do.  And I can do it joyfully, despite everything else going on.  Because if I sit around and feel sorry for myself, haven't I wasted my life?  I don't want to waste my life - the gift that Jesus gave to me.  He traded His life for mine.  And I want Him to use my life for His glory.  He made me all I need to be.

So, I will have to start asking for help once in a while.  And in the wise (paraphrased) words of my friend Emily - "Sometimes it has to be done.  You're not asking for too much.  And if they think you're trying to get attention, then they're not your friend."

Lots to think about...

"Take me beyond what I can see
Break me, make me believe
That You have made me all I need to be"