"INFJ: Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?)"
I want to be perfect. It's something I struggle with.
In high school, I took all AP and honors classes, striving to be the smartest and the best. Everything was going as planned, until I got to Calculus. Now, I was always good at math. In 8th grade I skipped normal 8th grade math and went straight into 9th grade algebra. I understood it. It made sense. But Calculus was over my head. I didn't get it. I sat in class not understanding a word that was said. I finally had to suck it up and ask for help, but only because I knew my perfect 4.0 GPA was in jeopardy.
In the end, I had to admit defeat. I just couldn't cut it. My teacher and I worked out extra credit and then I would drop at the semester, but I came out with a B-. And I know, a lot of people would be perfectly happy with that grade in AP Calculus. But I wasn't. It wasn't perfect. And it took my perfect GPA down to a very imperfect 3.97. *gasp*
Looking back, it was probably the best thing that could've happened for me. Had I gone into University of Washington with a perfect GPA, I probably would've had a mental breakdown when I realized I'd have to compete against everyone in 400 person classes for my grade. And let me tell you, I was definitely not the smartest person there.
Throughout grad school I learned that I could only offer my best and that had to be enough. And if it wasn't, well there was nothing I could do about it. I'm not saying it wasn't stressful, but I think I had a more pleasant time than I could've if I spent every waking minute with my nose buried in work.
But looking perfect to everyone around me is something I'm still struggling with.
In communicating, I like to write out everything. I'm more likely to text, message, or email you if I have the opportunity because I can carefully compose my thoughts and articulate them clearly. Please don't hand me the phone and ask me to have a conversation. I stumble all over my words and often I have to say "what?" continuously because I have trouble hearing on the phone. And in person I may not have time to think things out and you might find me stupid.
It's hard for me to ask for help. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I don't want to admit that I actually need help. I'm supposed to be able to do it all. One example is that I really don't like having to ask for help moving all my keyboard stuff. I do it now because I know that people will do it and if I don't I know I'll probably be on the floor in excruciating pain wishing I had just sucked it up. But it's not something I enjoy doing.
I want everyone to think I've got everything together.
I think this song by Krystal Meyers sums it up perfectly (ha) for me:
"Beautiful Tonight"
My eyes have a rosy glaze
(As darkness falls)
I'm dancing on a razor blade
(It's killing me)
Such a dangerous attraction
I'm flirting with fire
A desire reason just can't tame
I'm gonna regret this
It's the shadow inside my mind
And I'm in denial
I'm becoming quite a liar
Does that make me beautiful tonight?
(To someone)
In my sickness can you find me beautiful tonight?
The moonlight plays against my skin
(You found me out)
Midnight sometimes is my only friend
(Don't leave me now)
The hunger it eats me alive
I'm falling, dissolving
It's crawling into my veins
I'm gonna regret this
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, beautiful tonight
I don't want to stay this way forever
Can You make me beautiful tonight?
I think it can be interpreted several different ways, but for me, my desire is to be perfect. And it will kill me. I can lie to get everyone to think things are fine, but if they really knew me, I don't think they'd find me "beautiful." In the end, the artist is asking God if He can make her beautiful tonight.
Yes.
I'm not perfect and I never will be. But God still loves me and finds me beautiful. I don't have to be perfect. I'm so grateful for that.
If you want to see the prayers for the rest of the personality types, they are here: http://liturgy.co.nz/prayers-for-myers-briggs-types/15978
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