I Surrender

Again and again, I have to remember that I need to surrender...daily.  When I wake up in the morning, I have to die to myself.  Some things are far easier to let go of and bury than others.  Over and over, I find myself bargaining with God.

"I will give You this problem and that desire and this fear, but I can handle this issue and I really want this and I'm afraid of what You'll do if I let go of that..."

Why?

In wrestling with it today, God challenged me.  Why?  Why am I so afraid of just handing everything over?  I love being in complete control... I like to be the boss.  I really don't like to be told what to do, especially if I don't like it.

But repeatedly we are commanded to "fear not."  I don't have an exact number for how many times it shows up in the Bible, but I know it's a lot!

It seems silly that this is a lesson I have to keep coming back to... Haven't I already faced my biggest fears...and lived through them?  And no, I'm not talking about being terrified of spiders or anything, although I seem to always live through those encounters as well!  But hasn't God always been there, pulling me through, even when I wasn't sure everything was going to be okay?  And wasn't He there when I walked away and said I was done with this religion business?

In fact, looking back at it all, He'd never left.  I was just trying really hard to ignore Him because I was so angry.  And really afraid that if I admitted that then I would be forced to let go and accept that I couldn't handle it by myself.  And I would have to let go of my anger.  I would have to move on, grow, and learn.

And heal.

And even after all of that, I feel like it should just be easy to surrender everything...and I find that it's not.  I have to make that decision daily - sometimes even several times a day!

God answers 'yes,' 'no,' and 'not now.'  I'm not sure if I find 'not now' or 'no' more frustrating.  I guess with 'no' there's a sense of closure, even if it isn't the answer I wanted.  A 'no' is always for my own good.  God doesn't say 'no' to be mean!  He's protecting me.

Honestly, maybe it's the 'not now' I find more irritating because it allows me to hope.  And I'm always afraid of being disappointed.  And afraid that somehow by hoping too much the 'not now' will turn into a 'no.'

Regardless of the answer, I need to surrender.  His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine.  While I may not understand everything in a given moment, it seems to all work out.

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI

"I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me"

After All (Holy)

Since getting a TENS unit, I'd forgotten to some extent what excruciating pain felt like.  I want to clarify that even though it helps tremendously, it doesn't make everything magically better.  It just takes the edge off, which is enough for me and I'm grateful for that.  (It's better than nothing!)

Well, everything tends to fluctuate and over the past couple of days I could feel it coming.  I sucked it up and put on my fashionable braces, wore my stylish TENS unit, and then tried not to do anything that was going to aggravate things further.  Things seemed fine.  I was even good and went for a walk today.  I settled down to do a bunch of paperwork and WHAM!  It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my spine and shattered it into a trillion pieces...

I sank down to the floor and ended up all sprawled out for the next hour and half.  At first, the only thought that crossed my mind was why?  Why did I feel like I did right after the dance injury or the workplace incident?  I hadn't done anything.  I was sitting down!  I was wearing the stupid electrical stim.  This wasn't supposed to happen!  It was supposed to fix everything!

In the past, I would've directed my anger towards God.  (Anybody who's read this long enough/knows me really well knows that I tend to try to have power struggles with God...frequently.) I can't say that it's because of anything I consciously decided to do, but all I could think of were the words to After All (Holy):

"You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

Heaven and earth are full, full of Your glory, Your glory
My soul it overflows, full of Your glory, Your glory
Blessed is He who reigns, full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of Your glory, Your glory
Hosanna we are found after all You are..." 

And I just prayed... God, just get me through this.  I don't really want to spend the rest of the evening on the floor.

A little while later my roommate came home and we talked.  Yes, I tried everything that normally works.  And it's apparently just going to be one of those days where nothing does.  We talked about what's going on this week and everything that needs to get done.  (I'm so excited for worship team this week!)  And I'm not one to jump to the conclusion that every time something bad happens it must be a spiritual attack, but the possibility did cross my mind.  She also thought that might be a possibility.  She left me with this verse: "Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word" (Psalm 119:37).  Well, pain is a worthless thing to dwell on... And I know the only way I'm going to get through is relying on God - who is holy, glorious, and in complete control.  

The Digital Age - After All (Holy)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqgJ9OCy3Kg

"Light arises in the darkness for the upright; He is gracious and compassionate and righteous" (Psalm 112:4).