Sinking Deep

"Dear God, if today I lose my hope, please remind me that Your plans are better than my dreams."

"When your past calls, don't answer.  It has nothing new to say."

The past year has been…a little ridiculous.  It's now a running joke that I can only come home when we're tearing up part of the house/shifting bedrooms/remodeling/etc.  There were lots of good things about the year - I finished my research, passed my exams to be a speech-language pathologist, finished my Master's degree, started taking guitar lessons, and found a job.  The biggest praise from the past year is that I don't have to be in pain 24/7 anymore.  A TENS unit/electrical stim has worked wonders for me!

But this year has also been a struggle.  I got hurt at work and will deal with it for the rest of my life.  One of my best friends is gone.  And I miss her so much.  The holidays were rather strange because I kept waiting for her to walk through the door.  And she's not going to.

And then well…let's be honest.  One of my friends put it best - "Opening Facebook around the holidays is more like playing a non-stop game of 'guess who just got engaged.'"  And I am happy for all of my friends.  That's great!  Believe me, I'm trying not to have a pity party for myself.  Most of the time, I'm okay with where I'm at.  But sometimes, like today, the past rears its ugly head and I come face to face with all the crap that's gone on in that arena.

And today, yeah, I've definitely lost my hope.  There are things that I wish I could take back.  Could I please just get a do-over?  And I know that I can't have one and have to watch the way things play out. And to me…it's my fault.

In my whining, one of my friend's reminds me that I can't possibly be powerful enough to mess up God's plan for my life.  I know, I know… But it doesn't stop me from asking 'what if?'  I could drive myself crazy with all the 'what ifs?'

Still having a pity party, I crawled into bed to read Christine Caine's new book - Undaunted.  She writes that life eventually turns all of us upside down and inside out.  But… Christ's love can get you through all the 'emotional earthquakes' that occur through life.  "Love like Christ's can lift you out of betrayal and hurt.  It can deliver you from any mess.  Love like that can release you from every prison of fear and confusion" (Caine).  I kinda lost it right there…

There's a song on the Hillsong Young & Free album that I'll leave you with.  It's my prayer tonight.  I'm already feeling more at peace with everything.  Even though there's still a huge part of me that would like a road map with explicit directions for the rest of my life, I do know that God is in control.  And eventually, everything works out the way it's supposed to.

"Standing here in Your presence 
In a grace so relentless
I am won by perfect love
Wrapped within the arms of heaven
In a peace that lasts forever
Sinking deep in mercy's sea

I'm wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into Your love
Oh, Your love

When I'm lost You pursue me
Lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all, so beautiful
Here in You I find shelter
Captivated by the splendor of Your face
My secret place

Your love so deep is washing over me
Your face is all I seek
You are my everything
Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
Lord, hear my only cry
To know You all my life"



Caine, Christine. Undaunted: Daring to Do What God Calls You to Do. Grand Rapids, Mich:
             Zondervan, 2012. Print.