You know what never ceases to amaze me? Every time I open up my Bible to do my daily devotional, it's exactly what I need to hear. And today, my mentor left me a note with a verse I needed to hear. ("God will meet all of your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19) Coincidence? I don't think so...
I've been mad the last couple of weeks. And the thing is, most everything is going great in my life. I have my Master's degree. I'm on my way to being a fully certified Speech-Language Pathologist. I have the most amazing friends here. And yet, there's a few things here and there that steal my joy and make me feel completely helpless...and hopeless. The biggest one is dealing with someone I love so very much having Alzheimer's.
What a horrible disease. It's like a living death. I can't think of anything worse than watching as your loved one is still there...but not there. When they don't recognize where they are. When their mind tells them that they should be paranoid and angry. And even worse is when they no longer know who you are.
The worst part is...I feel extremely guilty because I'm not there.
I'm called to be here. I know that deep down. I don't know for how long. I don't have all the answers or everything figured out. But I know for this moment, that I'm meant to be here. Perhaps forever.
In the last couple of weeks, while I've been mad, I've felt God asking me if I will just trust Him and take the next step...whatever that may be. Being stubborn (and did I mention I was mad?), my response has been 'if I have to.' Well...that's not good enough. Because He keeps asking.
"Why don't you trust Me?"
Because I'm always disappointed.
My dear friend talks to me about hoping. How the D and C parts of my overly complicated D/CS personality make it so I plan for everything to go wrong and have a solution for every possible awful situation and nothing turns out the way I want it, but at least I have 47 million back-up plans. How this makes me feel "safe" because I have logically thought through every combination of terribleness in order to protect myself from disappointment. I am being reasonable, I explain to her. No, you are not hoping. That is not hope. It's okay to hope for what you actually want.
"Are you always disappointed?"
When I really think about it...no.
While I may be disappointed from time to time, I always find that God's plan and His timing are, in fact, perfect. At the time I may not be able to see through the pain, but in the end it all turns out okay.
Sure, those relationships that ended caused a lot of disappointment. But has it lasted? No... I can say that I'm happy they're over.
Was not getting into my first two choices for grad school disappointing? Yeah... But I wouldn't trade going to Penn State for anything now.
Time and time again, I've found that God's looking out for me. Why should I worry?
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)
"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." (Romans 8:24-25)
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
"So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
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