Better Than a Hallelujah

Lately, there have been countless posts going up about Robin Williams and his suicide.  I didn't think I was going to jump in and post anything, as everyone seems to have their opinion and I didn't want to share mine, but seeing a few more prompted me this morning.  Let me first say that my heart goes out to his family and friends.  It is a terrible loss.

The post that prompted me this morning was a rant on how selfish suicide is.  While I don't necessarily disagree, it does pain me to see that people are so quick to judge.  Robin Williams didn't think it was selfish.  Having been there a little more recently than I care to admit, he probably felt like it was a good option - no one would have to worry about him anymore or put up with the intense moods that come when battling depression. 

Have you ever considered just how bad a person must feel if they feel that suicide is the only way out and then act on that option?  I don't think it's a decision one takes lightly.  You don't just wake up one morning and decide to end your life.  I battle depression and PTSD every day.  Every day.  And it's really not easy.  While I know how to manage these things, there's no cure.  It doesn't go away.  You don't wake up and magically feel better one day.  It's not something I enjoy talking about because those who don't know what it's like will often write you off as overdramatic, or worse - crazy.  And sometimes I wonder if they're right.  Am I just crazy?  So it's easier to keep my mouth shut and put on a happy face rather than let anyone see just how much I'm hurting.  Before I continue on that track...

The other opinion that is floating around is that suicide is freeing.  I'm sure most of you have seen the post floating around with the Genie hugging Aladdin with the words "Genie, you're free."  Free? I guess in one way yes, you're free from those feelings that torment you day in and day out, but you know what?  You're dead... That's it... And I don't see how death is a good option.

I don't know if Robin Williams believed in Jesus Christ.  I know that Christ is the reason I don't act on my feelings when they become overwhelmingly dark.  I don't think that people understand though that just because you give your life to Christ doesn't mean that the dark thoughts vanish and you're all better.  No...depression is a disease.  I do believe that Christ has the power to heal.  I also understand that we live in a fallen world and life isn't easy here.  There are days I don't want to get up and I don't want to have to face the day.  Sometimes it's just really hard.

But I have to go back to God's promises.  I was put here for a reason and have a purpose.  This is just one of the battles I fight.

"We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a hallelujah"

I was made for more...

I was made for more...

But I don't know how to get there.

I'm not your typical "feminist."  In all honesty, I don't really see myself as one, but I'm sure this will be written off as another crazy feminist rant about how men and women are not equal blah blah blah. And again my feelings will be discounted because I'm just being a "crazy" woman.

But you know what?  There's probably not a day that goes by that part of me doesn't wish that I was a guy.  I'm not saying that I think I should be a guy or it's a mistake that I'm female, but life would be a lot easier if I was a guy.

Why?

Well... I have a dominant personality.  I like to be in charge and have no problem making a final decision.  I know that I can be a extremely bossy, so I do my best to keep it in check and truly value input from other people when making a decision and will seriously consider other people's feelings and thoughts.  At the end of the day though, if I am in charge, I have to and will make the final decision.  But there are times where I don't feel respected and if I were to demand that respect as a guy would, I would be written off as a b*tch.  Sorry for the language, but it's true.  So I go through life always walking on eggshells because if I'm not super careful with how I handle a given situation, I will be labeled as a witch... Or I'm PMSing or something else that's completely stupid that has nothing to do with anything except that it's easier to write me off as a silly girl than show me some respect.

And I fully understand that respect is earned.  But why do I have to work harder for it?

And then there's music.  I love music.  I don't want to sound conceited or like I'm bragging about look at all the abilities I was given, but God blessed me with musical talent and I do my best to use it to the best of my ability.  I spend countless hours practicing and working at it.  It's the best part of my day and something I truly find joy in.

But it also has the power to hurt me immensely.  And I know I've written things about this before, but look around...  Where are all the women?  How many bands can you think of that are female fronted?   And out of those bands, how many of the front women play an instrument too?  Or even think of how many popular bands have female members?  Or all female members?  Maybe I'm listening to the wrong music, but my lists come up pretty short every time.

I'm definitely not saying that we should throw women who aren't all that talented into music.  But I'm sure there are far more talented women out there who aren't getting the attention they deserve because they've been written off since they're not one of the guys.  I don't understand why the playing field isn't level.  And why I can't be taken completely seriously because my body parts are different.

The thing is, this is going to be written off as a bitchy rant and if she would just stop having a temper tantrum she would see that everything is fine and things are equal.

If that's true, then why do I spend so much time wrestling with the way I was created?  I know I was created this way for a reason, but I don't understand why I have to fight to be recognized as equal.

I find it really difficult to come to terms with the fact that it will probably never change either.