"You look like you're going to cry."
Yep... That's where I was at tonight. And I'm grateful for God placing people in my life who know that when I say "I'm fine" it's a huge lie. Praise God for using these dear friends to speak truth into my life.
I just needed a reminder that there's no shame within my scars. God truly does work all things together for my good. Somehow, everything works out.
Had you told me seven years ago that I would move across the country and get a Master's degree (and be single!) I would've looked at you like you were crazy. Had you told that girl, who had completely walked away from God and wasn't even sure she knew if He existed, that she would be leading worship and loving it and relying on Jesus seven years from that moment, I would've laughed at you.
What happened back then was evil and designed to break me. And it didn't. And believe me, I definitely tried to check out early of the mess that is life. But God clearly had other plans for me. And I find again and again that I am amazed that He cares that much about me. Because I know I really don't deserve it. And I still question why He would want to use me in His plan. I don't have all the answers, but I know He loves me with a love that I can't even begin to describe.
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:37).
"There's a place, a place of healing
There is no shame within your scars
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presence of a Holy God"
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Even If... A year later
I know, I know... I've used this song before and it was actually almost a year ago that I used it to write about trusting God even if the healing doesn't come. At that time, I related it to healing from physical pain from my dance injury. Well fast forward to now and that's still where I'm at... I got hurt again (at work this time) and have had to accept that I will probably live with it for the rest of my life. Could God heal me completely? I have no doubt that He can. But that's not something He's promised and I have to be so careful not to fall into the routine that if I do x, y, and z, then clearly God will see just how faithful I am and He'd want to heal me completely.
That's not how it works.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to write about today...emotional pain.
I can't remember the exact date - I don't want to and even if I did, I still think it's my mind's way of protecting me from other things that could come back too. But somehow, I still know. Seven years later and around this time every year, I become withdrawn and irritable with everyone. It took me awhile this week to figure out why I was/am being a...well...a witch. ;-) But I know. And I don't know that I'm ready to now (or ever) spill everything on the internet. (I won't say 'never' though...because I've shared quite a bit of everything with hundreds of people at Calvary on Campus, so who knows?)
Anyways, that's not the point. It took me longer to figure out this time because I feel like it shouldn't impact me this much anymore. I have spent hours in prayer over it by myself and with others praying for me. I've been to healing retreats. I've been to counseling. It's also been years now. So can't I be done with this crap yet? And I've just been asking God why?
A reminder came from reading Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery. (Fantastic book, by the way.) God doesn't promise a lot of the things we assume. Just because we're faithful and do everything "right," it doesn't mean He will reward us with what we want.
But God does promise to be enough for us. Are there going to be times where I feel like I have this week? Yes. Life isn't easy. This world is not my home and until the day I get to Heaven, I will struggle because life here isn't perfect. Until then, I need to keep running to God and trusting that He will be there for me.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).
"Sometimes all we have to hold onto
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"
My cover of Even If: https://soundcloud.com/raevynnnicole/even-if
Original version by Kutless: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0
That's not how it works.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to write about today...emotional pain.
I can't remember the exact date - I don't want to and even if I did, I still think it's my mind's way of protecting me from other things that could come back too. But somehow, I still know. Seven years later and around this time every year, I become withdrawn and irritable with everyone. It took me awhile this week to figure out why I was/am being a...well...a witch. ;-) But I know. And I don't know that I'm ready to now (or ever) spill everything on the internet. (I won't say 'never' though...because I've shared quite a bit of everything with hundreds of people at Calvary on Campus, so who knows?)
Anyways, that's not the point. It took me longer to figure out this time because I feel like it shouldn't impact me this much anymore. I have spent hours in prayer over it by myself and with others praying for me. I've been to healing retreats. I've been to counseling. It's also been years now. So can't I be done with this crap yet? And I've just been asking God why?
A reminder came from reading Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery. (Fantastic book, by the way.) God doesn't promise a lot of the things we assume. Just because we're faithful and do everything "right," it doesn't mean He will reward us with what we want.
But God does promise to be enough for us. Are there going to be times where I feel like I have this week? Yes. Life isn't easy. This world is not my home and until the day I get to Heaven, I will struggle because life here isn't perfect. Until then, I need to keep running to God and trusting that He will be there for me.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).
"Sometimes all we have to hold onto
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"
My cover of Even If: https://soundcloud.com/raevynnnicole/even-if
Original version by Kutless: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0
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