Recently, I've expressed how defeated I feel about everything in my life. I've been ready to give up. Maybe I was wrong and God isn't calling me to do things in music. Upon arriving at Radio City Music Hall, I plunked down in my seat and looked at the spectacular set up on stage. Immediately I began comparing myself and my piano skills, as I tend to do, and finding that I was insignificant. (As I've said before...you will never hear the words "I think I'm a fantastic pianist" come out of my mouth.) I already felt frustrated... I would just die to have that keyboard set up and the talent to use it.
I tend to have dramatic conversations with myself (is anyone really surprised?) and felt that why bother? There will always be someone better than me.
I also tend to challenge God...which never works out super well for me...
"Why bother, God?"
Oops...probably shouldn't have done that.
"I gave you your talent for a reason."
"Why would you want to listen to me? The keyboardists here are phenomenal. And since I'm already asking for it anyways, have you heard my mother play? Why would you want to listen to me over her?"
(Side note... I really do think my mother is the most amazing pianist in the world. And I've heard and seen more pianists than I could count and time and time again I find myself thinking that she plays it better and with infinitely more expression than I've ever seen anyone play with.) Anyways...
After asking the question bitterly, my eyes filled with tears. And I got a vision of God just sitting...listening and watching me play the piano. And enjoying it.
"Raevynn, I love listening to you play."
"Really?"
"I gave you your talent and skill set for a reason. I don't want you to be your mother, incredible as she is. I want you to be you."
I don't think I've ever cried so much during worship. I certainly don't when I lead. I can't fall apart then, but I wasn't leading so there was nothing stopping me. Honestly though, I don't think I could've stopped the tears if I wanted to at that point.
I realized that I am so blessed to have grown up with a mom who is a fantastic pianist. I realize that yes, she is amazing. And I will never be her, but I get to learn from her. I got to watch, listen, and learn from the keyboardists at the conference. They also put a lot of their stuff online so you can see how they do everything. It's a blessing to not be the best. I will have someone to look up to and learn from. I hope to continue to grow as a musician and develop my skills. I would be a poor steward of the gifts God gave me if I didn't continue to strive to give my best.
"Your love is crashing over me,
It's surging like a raging sea.
Immerse me in the wonder of Your love.
A downpour of unending grace,
Consuming all my reckless ways.
My sin submerged,
Your love has saved my soul.
Your love is like a storm."
