You know that question they ask you at the doctor when you're experiencing pain?
"On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being little to no pain and 10 being excruciating, how is your pain?"
Yeah... These days I'm at about a 6 constantly. I was telling someone last night that I don't often let on how much I really hurt. And by the time I'm telling you that "I hurt," I'm at excruciating. This particular morning, I woke up and if I had to put a number on it, I'd say probably 8-9, so let's just say 8.5.
Last night, I was going over "Cornerstone" (Hillsong) and the chorus really jumped out at me. I've played this song a million times, or so it seems, and I like it, but it's never had a huge impact on me or anything. But for whatever reason last night, it became so meaningful and precious to me. The words of the chorus are:
"Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all"
Wow... He is still with me, always. Even when I'm mad about the situation I'm in.
"I'm still here."
I know that in the past week, I've been learning that I really can't do it on my own. It's a lesson I keep coming back to, but right now I just have to trust that He will give me enough strength to get through what I need to today. And He's going to be right there the whole way.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)
Yesterday I got my MRI results... There were things I expected, disc issues, nerve damage, yada yada I know and have heard it all before. But I wasn't prepared for the surprise that showed up.
"You have arthritis."
What? I'm in my mid twenties... How do I have arthritis??
And since getting hurt in dance two years ago, I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain anymore... And now with this, it doesn't look like I'll ever get there.
What can I do? More physical therapy... Yay...
More than anything I just wanted to hear that it was going to get better. Will I ever be a prima ballerina? No...but I wanted to dance again. I try not to let it interfere with my life and how active I want to be. I can usually do everything I want to do. I may pay for it later, but oh well.
It would be nice to be able to at least lift all my own gear. I'm very grateful to the guys who have stepped up and helped me move my keyboard where I need it. But I don't like to be a burden or really ask for help at all because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else.
Last night I still went out with my friends and hung out with my awesome roommate afterwards. But later in the evening I called my parents.
"Sounds like a character building disease," said Dad.
"That's nice... I didn't want anymore of that!"
And I messaged my friend later, who I knew would understand the "I'm only this old and I have x I'm too young for this." And she pointed out that obviously God has something for us to learn.
Well, I can't say that I'm doing a wonderful job so far. After being more of a klutz than usual this morning and then getting stuck in traffic on the way to work, I was a little done and let God know exactly how I felt about the whole thing... Yeah... I have some things to learn.
It just comes back to the lesson of trust. I have to trust that God is going to get me through each and every day. If I don't, I don't know that I'll make it. Actually, I know I won't make it on my own strength.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior"
Monday, September 2, 2013
The lessons you taught me
If you haven't heard yet, one of my best friends is gone. My grandma went to be with Jesus on 8/18. I still can't believe she's gone and at home just almost expected her to walk through the door. I really miss her. She taught me so much.
Most people don't have the kind of relationship I have with my grandparents. My mom's parents lived next door to me growing up and long after we moved out of those houses, they were never very far away. With all our crazy schedules, they usually picked us up after school at least once a week (and there was always candy in the car.) When I broke my arm, my grandma was the one who dragged me to all my PT appointments and made me laugh even when it hurt. They came to all my dance recitals, piano recitals, voice recitals, violin recitals, community theatre shows, and every single school concert.
I think one of the first things I remember is my grandma, who was always so patient, teaching me how to knit. I was about 5. She had warned me that it wasn't easy, but I *really* wanted to learn, so she agreed to teach me. Not being the most patient person, I eventually got frustrated and chucked my knitting needles across the room. Instead of being mad, she just put it all away for a little while and we tried again later. Eventually I learned. Then I wanted to learn how to sew... I had an antique Singer sewing machine and she taught me how to use it and then helped quite a bit with my mom's Christmas present - new placemats and cloth napkins. And really, the only reason they looked halfway decent was because she helped me so much. (My nickname at the sewing machine was 'leadfoot.') My grandma could sew anything. She made me the dress for my favorite Halloween costume - Nancy Drew.
She taught me many important life lessons too. The pastor at the service put it this way - it's best to look through the windshield and not the rearview mirror. My grandma did not have a happy upbringing. We didn't discuss it and she didn't complain about it...ever. In fact, my grandma didn't complain or whine about anything. Her childhood was never an excuse to behave poorly as an adult. She never blamed anything on her crummy childhood. I have difficulty feeling sorry for people who blame their choices and their actions on the fact that they had a crappy childhood/upbringing. I'm sorry. That sucks. Move on. Make your life better. She and my grandpa taught me that you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you keep going. Is life unfair? Yes. But you make the most of the cards you've been dealt.
And the most important lesson she and my grandpa taught me? Love.
My favorite definition of 'love' is the one Brad Henning uses - "Love is choosing the highest good for the other person." My grandparents were a shining example of how that works. Henning's definition shows that love is not a feeling. Feelings are fickle. Love is a choice. And you choose to put that other person first...or you don't and your marriage falls apart. Anyways, my grandparents were married for 61 years. And I know that they truly loved each other. My grandma lived her life as a homemaker. She took excellent care of their house. She made sure everything ran smoothly in their home. She took good care of my grandpa and he did the same for her. I'll never forget when she had hip and knee replacement surgery, he gave her a pedicure to make her feel better.
And when she got sick with Alzheimer's...none of us knew. He compensated so much for her and for several years we didn't even know she had it. He chose the highest good for her - letting her continue to live normally. He was always by her side, even staying the night at the hospital in a chair so that she wouldn't be scared and no one would mess up her medication. And he was there holding her hand when she met Jesus.
The older I get, the more concerned people seem to be over whether or not I'm married or engaged or even have any prospects. The answer is no...to all of those questions. I want what my grandparents have and I don't intend on settling for less.
I miss her so much. But I know she's not in pain anymore and she's with her Savior. And I'll see her again someday.
Most people don't have the kind of relationship I have with my grandparents. My mom's parents lived next door to me growing up and long after we moved out of those houses, they were never very far away. With all our crazy schedules, they usually picked us up after school at least once a week (and there was always candy in the car.) When I broke my arm, my grandma was the one who dragged me to all my PT appointments and made me laugh even when it hurt. They came to all my dance recitals, piano recitals, voice recitals, violin recitals, community theatre shows, and every single school concert.
I think one of the first things I remember is my grandma, who was always so patient, teaching me how to knit. I was about 5. She had warned me that it wasn't easy, but I *really* wanted to learn, so she agreed to teach me. Not being the most patient person, I eventually got frustrated and chucked my knitting needles across the room. Instead of being mad, she just put it all away for a little while and we tried again later. Eventually I learned. Then I wanted to learn how to sew... I had an antique Singer sewing machine and she taught me how to use it and then helped quite a bit with my mom's Christmas present - new placemats and cloth napkins. And really, the only reason they looked halfway decent was because she helped me so much. (My nickname at the sewing machine was 'leadfoot.') My grandma could sew anything. She made me the dress for my favorite Halloween costume - Nancy Drew.
She taught me many important life lessons too. The pastor at the service put it this way - it's best to look through the windshield and not the rearview mirror. My grandma did not have a happy upbringing. We didn't discuss it and she didn't complain about it...ever. In fact, my grandma didn't complain or whine about anything. Her childhood was never an excuse to behave poorly as an adult. She never blamed anything on her crummy childhood. I have difficulty feeling sorry for people who blame their choices and their actions on the fact that they had a crappy childhood/upbringing. I'm sorry. That sucks. Move on. Make your life better. She and my grandpa taught me that you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you keep going. Is life unfair? Yes. But you make the most of the cards you've been dealt.
And the most important lesson she and my grandpa taught me? Love.
My favorite definition of 'love' is the one Brad Henning uses - "Love is choosing the highest good for the other person." My grandparents were a shining example of how that works. Henning's definition shows that love is not a feeling. Feelings are fickle. Love is a choice. And you choose to put that other person first...or you don't and your marriage falls apart. Anyways, my grandparents were married for 61 years. And I know that they truly loved each other. My grandma lived her life as a homemaker. She took excellent care of their house. She made sure everything ran smoothly in their home. She took good care of my grandpa and he did the same for her. I'll never forget when she had hip and knee replacement surgery, he gave her a pedicure to make her feel better.
And when she got sick with Alzheimer's...none of us knew. He compensated so much for her and for several years we didn't even know she had it. He chose the highest good for her - letting her continue to live normally. He was always by her side, even staying the night at the hospital in a chair so that she wouldn't be scared and no one would mess up her medication. And he was there holding her hand when she met Jesus.
The older I get, the more concerned people seem to be over whether or not I'm married or engaged or even have any prospects. The answer is no...to all of those questions. I want what my grandparents have and I don't intend on settling for less.
I miss her so much. But I know she's not in pain anymore and she's with her Savior. And I'll see her again someday.
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