Well...almost time for another birthday. I go back and forth between thinking "I am only in my 20s, I have lots of time left!" to "I'm running out of time to make a difference or figure out what I really want to do with my life...I'm so old!" So...which is it?
Actually, both of these ways of thinking are wrong... True, I may still only be in my 20s and while I hope I still have lots of life left to live, I don't know. Only God knows how many days I will be here. I hope that there is still lots of time, but I truly want to make my time on Earth matter. But this also ties into the other thought that I have on running out of time. Yes, time keeps marching on and I keep burning through my numbered days. Because I want my life to matter I get depressed looking at all of my accomplishments and finding that they really aren't all that exciting. I wish I could do more and be more and the list goes on and on...
Having moved to a big city again, especially one like Nashville, I'm inspired to dream again. But my biggest dreams seem unattainable. Here, everywhere I look there seems to be someone who has already been there, done that, and done it bigger and better than I could possibly imagine. Being a dreamer and creative is great, but there are also times where I don't want to be the crazy eccentric person because if I wasn't so out there I feel I'd be happier with my life. There would be no need to compare it with anyone else and always wonder if there is a way to do more and be more.
The chorus of a random song often runs through my head:
"I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you"
I don't care for the song, but somehow the chorus sticks with me. And it really is true - I want to change the world and I can't even begin to imagine how.
Almost every blog post I write references a song that is speaking to me at the time of writing. On Thursday night, I went to Dare to Be at Cross Point Church with the ladies in my Bible study. Natalie Grant sang "King of the World" and it has stuck with me. The chorus really expresses what I've been pondering lately:
"When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world"
I can't change the world, but everything is possible with God.
Charlotte Gambill spoke at the event and the topic of labels and names was discussed quite a bit. This is something I've struggled with for so long. I was reminded of the retreat I was on a few years ago with Victoria Kepler Didato. There, I encountered this issue with believing all the labels everyone else has put on you and not the ones God has spoken over you. On that retreat, the lie I believed was that my label was "Voiceless."
Voiceless...
Charlotte had each woman take out a card with "Dare to be known as..." written at the top and write down the name that God calls us to be known as - the label that is true and not the lies that get put on us. Immediately, I knew what I was supposed to write down - "She who speaks with power."
That's not one word, like Charlotte had said, I know, but the label "voiceless" came back to me instantly. And God spoke to me in that moment, Remember that this is what I have for you.
Had I really forgotten?
I went back to my journals and blog posts from the retreat weekend. Before I beat myself up about forgetting how hard I worked to overcome the label "voiceless," I read my journal from the retreat and was reminded that healing is progressive. It isn't a one and done deal. I struggled that weekend to come up with a name that cancelled out "voiceless."
Victoria, the speaker for the weekend, took me aside and told me that God was telling her she needed to tell me that I am not voiceless or weak. I have authority and power and I will use it to help those who are still voiceless. I will also not abuse that power as others have, but will use it to advance God's Kingdom. (see blog post "Name" on 3/23/13). I found my journal from that weekend today and discovered what I had written during my quiet time after that encounter.
"I am not voiceless or weak.
I am a woman of God and I have authority and power and will use it to help those that are voiceless and I will not abuse it like others have, but use it to advance Your Kingdom. I am a daughter of God. I am a woman of God and that does not make me weak. I will speak with power."
During that weekend and at the Dare to Be event, it came up that the enemy knows your calling and will do everything to destroy it. Though I thought I'd dealt with the labels and name issue, it's clear that there is still work to be done. In some ways, I've become bitter about the fact that I'm a nobody. I'm not in a position to "speak with power" and oftentimes I feel like even if I was, no one would listen to me anyways. Silly girl. But, Charlotte pointed out that you can't be bitter and assume the platform God has for you.
Ouch...
I've forgotten that God is the King of the world.
I wish I could wrap up this blog post neatly and simply say that God's revealed his plan to me and I have everything figured out. No problem!
But that would be silly. God is not my equal. I don't have all the answers, but I know the One who holds it all.
So here's to another birthday and more adventure in this wonderful city. Who knows what awaits me for 27? God does. Things always look so much different than I thought they were going to be. Nashville wasn't part of my plan. It wasn't even on my radar until March last year.
I have no idea what life will look like next year, but God has a beautiful plan for my life. I may never understand everything until He calls me home, but I know I want to follow Him. In following Him, I know my life will make a difference, but not because *I* did anything. It's all about You.
King of the World - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6NfOJl26F4
