Gracious Tempest

This past weekend was an incredible experience!  I was able to go to the Hillsong Conference in New York City!

Recently, I've expressed how defeated I feel about everything in my life.  I've been ready to give up.  Maybe I was wrong and God isn't calling me to do things in music.  Upon arriving at Radio City Music Hall, I plunked down in my seat and looked at the spectacular set up on stage.  Immediately I began comparing myself and my piano skills, as I tend to do, and finding that I was insignificant.  (As I've said before...you will never hear the words "I think I'm a fantastic pianist" come out of my mouth.)  I already felt frustrated... I would just die to have that keyboard set up and the talent to use it.

I tend to have dramatic conversations with myself (is anyone really surprised?) and felt that why bother?  There will always be someone better than me.

I also tend to challenge God...which never works out super well for me...

"Why bother, God?"

Oops...probably shouldn't have done that.

"I gave you your talent for a reason."

"Why would you want to listen to me?  The keyboardists here are phenomenal.  And since I'm already asking for it anyways, have you heard my mother play?  Why would you want to listen to me over her?"

(Side note... I really do think my mother is the most amazing pianist in the world.  And I've heard and seen more pianists than I could count and time and time again I find myself thinking that she plays it better and with infinitely more expression than I've ever seen anyone play with.)  Anyways...

After asking the question bitterly, my eyes filled with tears.  And I got a vision of God just sitting...listening and watching me play the piano.  And enjoying it.

"Raevynn, I love listening to you play."

"Really?"

"I gave you your talent and skill set for a reason.  I don't want you to be your mother, incredible as she is.  I want you to be you."

I don't think I've ever cried so much during worship.  I certainly don't when I lead.  I can't fall apart then, but I wasn't leading so there was nothing stopping me.  Honestly though, I don't think I could've stopped the tears if I wanted to at that point.

I realized that I am so blessed to have grown up with a mom who is a fantastic pianist.  I realize that yes, she is amazing.  And I will never be her, but I get to learn from her.  I got to watch, listen, and learn from the keyboardists at the conference.  They also put a lot of their stuff online so you can see how they do everything.  It's a blessing to not be the best.  I will have someone to look up to and learn from.  I hope to continue to grow as a musician and develop my skills.  I would be a poor steward of the gifts God gave me if I didn't continue to strive to give my best.

"Your love is crashing over me,
It's surging like a raging sea.
Immerse me in the wonder of Your love.
A downpour of unending grace,
Consuming all my reckless ways.
My sin submerged,
Your love has saved my soul.

Your love is like a storm."

Lifeline

So Hillsong Young and Free just released their first album and it's pretty awesome! As of right now, "Lifeline" is my favorite track. The chorus says:

"You took me from the wayside, called me Your own

Throwing me a lifeline, You carried me home

Jesus, You're all I want, You're all I want

Over the horizon is where I look beyond

You're the silver lining breaking through the storm

Jesus, You're all I want, You're all I want"

Lately, so many other things have just been distractions. I'm tired... I'm really tired of defending myself and what I really want and feel called to do. I'm tired of explaining and I'm really tired of fighting. 

I have always picked the safe route. I don't go after what I want because I feel like I'll just fail. But picking the safe route hasn't made me happy. 

Don't get me wrong, I like what I do. But lately I've been kicking myself for not going into music. And why didn't I? Because it's not safe. And I always do the responsible thing. Because I looked up at professional female musicians and realized just how much they sacrifice - relationships, families, etc. And that scared me because I don't want to be alone. 

Lately though, I'm realizing that that shouldn't be my goal and what I pour my hope into. The end goal is not that I get married and that's it - I'll live happily ever after. No... Being with Jesus is the end game. Why is it so often that I'm worried about some potential relationship or lack of one? Shouldn't Jesus be all I want?

All the time I've spent worrying is a waste. And lately I'm just annoyed at myself for worrying about such stupid things. I've reached a point where it's like okay... I don't care anymore! God, I will let go of everything. I want to do what You put me here for. I don't know what that involves, but I'll do it if You're there with me. 

And I know He will be.

I'm not saying that I'm not still insecure about it or that I'm not going to think about these things ever again... Come on, I spend at least one evening a week watching a dumb wedding show with my roommate and while we make fun of it to some extent, there's still the *sigh* I want to wear the big poofy princess dress! When's it my turn?! (And yes critics (you know who you are!) mine will be blue! Why? Cuz I can! And honestly, when am I not trying to push the fashion envelope...)

Our God gives us second chances. And while I may think I've thrown everything off course, that's not true. So...here's to figuring out where to go from here.

"And oh, You are my hope

Jesus forever, You've forgiven my failures

You are my hope

You never let go

Jesus forever, You've forgiven my failures"

Cornerstone

You know that question they ask you at the doctor when you're experiencing pain?

"On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being little to no pain and 10 being excruciating, how is your pain?"

Yeah...  These days I'm at about a 6 constantly.  I was telling someone last night that I don't often let on how much I really hurt.  And by the time I'm telling you that "I hurt," I'm at excruciating.  This particular morning, I woke up and if I had to put a number on it, I'd say probably 8-9, so let's just say 8.5.

Last night, I was going over "Cornerstone" (Hillsong) and the chorus really jumped out at me.  I've played this song a million times, or so it seems, and I like it, but it's never had a huge impact on me or anything.  But for whatever reason last night, it became so meaningful and precious to me.  The words of the chorus are:

"Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all"

Wow...  He is still with me, always.  Even when I'm mad about the situation I'm in.

"I'm still here."

I know that in the past week, I've been learning that I really can't do it on my own.  It's a lesson I keep coming back to, but right now I just have to trust that He will give me enough strength to get through what I need to today.  And He's going to be right there the whole way.

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Yesterday I got my MRI results... There were things I expected, disc issues, nerve damage, yada yada I know and have heard it all before. But I wasn't prepared for the surprise that showed up. 

"You have arthritis."

What? I'm in my mid twenties... How do I have arthritis??

And since getting hurt in dance two years ago, I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain anymore... And now with this, it doesn't look like I'll ever get there.

What can I do? More physical therapy... Yay... 

More than anything I just wanted to hear that it was going to get better. Will I ever be a prima ballerina? No...but I wanted to dance again. I try not to let it interfere with my life and how active I want to be. I can usually do everything I want to do. I may pay for it later, but oh well.

It would be nice to be able to at least lift all my own gear. I'm very grateful to the guys who have stepped up and helped me move my keyboard where I need it. But I don't like to be a burden or really ask for help at all because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else. 

Last night I still went out with my friends and hung out with my awesome roommate afterwards. But later in the evening I called my parents. 

"Sounds like a character building disease," said Dad.

"That's nice... I didn't want anymore of that!"

And I messaged my friend later, who I knew would understand the "I'm only this old and I have x I'm too young for this." And she pointed out that obviously God has something for us to learn.

Well, I can't say that I'm doing a wonderful job so far. After being more of a klutz than usual this morning and then getting stuck in traffic on the way to work, I was a little done and let God know exactly how I felt about the whole thing... Yeah... I have some things to learn. 

It just comes back to the lesson of trust. I have to trust that God is going to get me through each and every day. If I don't, I don't know that I'll make it. Actually, I know I won't make it on my own strength. 

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior"

The lessons you taught me

If you haven't heard yet, one of my best friends is gone.  My grandma went to be with Jesus on 8/18.  I still can't believe she's gone and at home just almost expected her to walk through the door.  I really miss her.  She taught me so much.

Most people don't have the kind of relationship I have with my grandparents.  My mom's parents lived next door to me growing up and long after we moved out of those houses, they were never very far away.  With all our crazy schedules, they usually picked us up after school at least once a week (and there was always candy in the car.)  When I broke my arm, my grandma was the one who dragged me to all my PT appointments and made me laugh even when it hurt.  They came to all my dance recitals, piano recitals, voice recitals, violin recitals, community theatre shows, and every single school concert.

I think one of the first things I remember is my grandma, who was always so patient, teaching me how to knit.  I was about 5.  She had warned me that it wasn't easy, but I *really* wanted to learn, so she agreed to teach me.  Not being the most patient person, I eventually got frustrated and chucked my knitting needles across the room.  Instead of being mad, she just put it all away for a little while and we tried again later.  Eventually I learned.  Then I wanted to learn how to sew...  I had an antique Singer sewing machine and she taught me how to use it and then helped quite a bit with my mom's Christmas present - new placemats and cloth napkins.  And really, the only reason they looked halfway decent was because she helped me so much.  (My nickname at the sewing machine was 'leadfoot.')  My grandma could sew anything.  She made me the dress for my favorite Halloween costume - Nancy Drew.

She taught me many important life lessons too.  The pastor at the service put it this way - it's best to look through the windshield and not the rearview mirror.  My grandma did not have a happy upbringing.  We didn't discuss it and she didn't complain about it...ever.  In fact, my grandma didn't complain or whine about anything.  Her childhood was never an excuse to behave poorly as an adult.  She never blamed anything on her crummy childhood.  I have difficulty feeling sorry for people who blame their choices and their actions on the fact that they had a crappy childhood/upbringing.  I'm sorry.  That sucks.  Move on.  Make your life better.  She and my grandpa taught me that you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you keep going.  Is life unfair?  Yes.  But you make the most of the cards you've been dealt.

And the most important lesson she and my grandpa taught me?  Love.

My favorite definition of 'love' is the one Brad Henning uses - "Love is choosing the highest good for the other person."  My grandparents were a shining example of how that works.  Henning's definition shows that love is not a feeling.  Feelings are fickle.  Love is a choice.  And you choose to put that other person first...or you don't and your marriage falls apart.  Anyways, my grandparents were married for 61 years.  And I know that they truly loved each other.  My grandma lived her life as a homemaker. She took excellent care of their house.  She made sure everything ran smoothly in their home.  She took good care of my grandpa and he did the same for her.  I'll never forget when she had hip and knee replacement surgery, he gave her a pedicure to make her feel better.

And when she got sick with Alzheimer's...none of us knew.  He compensated so much for her and for several years we didn't even know she had it.  He chose the highest good for her - letting her continue to live normally.  He was always by her side, even staying the night at the hospital in a chair so that she wouldn't be scared and no one would mess up her medication.  And he was there holding her hand when she met Jesus.

The older I get, the more concerned people seem to be over whether or not I'm married or engaged or even have any prospects.  The answer is no...to all of those questions.  I want what my grandparents have and I don't intend on settling for less.

I miss her so much.  But I know she's not in pain anymore and she's with her Savior.  And I'll see her again someday.

Beautiful Tonight

A friend of mine posted something about prayers for different Myers-Briggs types.  I'm an INFJ. The rarest in the population actually. Many descriptions of this personality mention how they always seem to never be at peace with themselves. I would have to agree. Why is this?  Well, the prayer for my type was spot on:

"INFJ: Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?)"

I want to be perfect. It's something I struggle with.

In high school, I took all AP and honors classes, striving to be the smartest and the best. Everything was going as planned, until I got to Calculus. Now, I was always good at math. In 8th grade I skipped normal 8th grade math and went straight into 9th grade algebra. I understood it. It made sense. But Calculus was over my head. I didn't get it. I sat in class not understanding a word that was said. I finally had to suck it up and ask for help, but only because I knew my perfect 4.0 GPA was in jeopardy. 

In the end, I had to admit defeat. I just couldn't cut it. My teacher and I worked out extra credit and then I would drop at the semester, but I came out with a B-. And I know, a lot of people would be perfectly happy with that grade in AP Calculus. But I wasn't. It wasn't perfect. And it took my perfect GPA down to a very imperfect 3.97. *gasp*

Looking back, it was probably the best thing that could've happened for me. Had I gone into University of Washington with a perfect GPA, I probably would've had a mental breakdown when I realized I'd have to compete against everyone in 400 person classes for my grade. And let me tell you, I was definitely not the smartest person there. 

Throughout grad school I learned that I could only offer my best and that had to be enough. And if it wasn't, well there was nothing I could do about it. I'm not saying it wasn't stressful, but I think I had a more pleasant time than I could've if I spent every waking minute with my nose buried in work. 

But looking perfect to everyone around me is something I'm still struggling with. 

In communicating, I like to write out everything. I'm more likely to text, message, or email you if I have the opportunity because I can carefully compose my thoughts and articulate them clearly. Please don't hand me the phone and ask me to have a conversation. I stumble all over my words and often I have to say "what?" continuously because I have trouble hearing on the phone. And in person I may not have time to think things out and you might find me stupid. 

It's hard for me to ask for help. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I don't want to admit that I actually need help. I'm supposed to be able to do it all. One example is that I really don't like having to ask for help moving all my keyboard stuff. I do it now because I know that people will do it and if I don't I know I'll probably be on the floor in excruciating pain wishing I had just sucked it up. But it's not something I enjoy doing. 

I want everyone to think I've got everything together. 

I think this song by Krystal Meyers sums it up perfectly (ha) for me:

"Beautiful Tonight"

My eyes have a rosy glaze

(As darkness falls)

I'm dancing on a razor blade

(It's killing me)

Such a dangerous attraction

I'm flirting with fire

A desire reason just can't tame

I'm gonna regret this

It's the shadow inside my mind

And I'm in denial

I'm becoming quite a liar

Does that make me beautiful tonight?

(To someone)

In my sickness can you find me beautiful tonight?

The moonlight plays against my skin

(You found me out)

Midnight sometimes is my only friend

(Don't leave me now)

The hunger it eats me alive

I'm falling, dissolving

It's crawling into my veins

I'm gonna regret this

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, beautiful tonight

I don't want to stay this way forever

Can You make me beautiful tonight?

I think it can be interpreted several different ways, but for me, my desire is to be perfect. And it will kill me. I can lie to get everyone to think things are fine, but if they really knew me, I don't think they'd find me "beautiful." In the end, the artist is asking God if He can make her beautiful tonight.

Yes. 

I'm not perfect and I never will be. But God still loves me and finds me beautiful. I don't have to be perfect. I'm so grateful for that.

If you want to see the prayers for the rest of the personality types, they are here: http://liturgy.co.nz/prayers-for-myers-briggs-types/15978

American Noise

Had one of those mornings where I just didn't want to get out of bed. Already knowing what my day looks like and dreading the next ten hours. Having a tendency to be a drama queen I hit snooze and angrily rolled over, grumbling about how much I hate my life.

"If you don't like it, change it."

Change it? How am I supposed to do that? See where I've screwed up everywhere in the last seven years? I can't fix it.

"Then be miserable."

I'm 24. I probably have many, many  years left... Do I want to be miserable for the rest of them?

Well of course not!

"I'm not going to get through this week without You," I prayed. 

"I'm still here."

"Then fix it!"

"Trust Me."

"Oh, God, haven't we gone over this lesson before?"

"Have you learned it?"

"No... But I'm sorry, this is not where I thought I'd be."

Pretty sure God just laughed at that point. But isn't His plan better?

"I gave you these gifts and talents for a reason, Raevynn. Are you using them?"

"No..."

"Why?"

"I don't know where to start."

"Somewhere."

Somewhere... It would be so much easier if I could have full written instructions and maybe some pictures that go along with them. But God doesn't work that way. 

I dragged myself out of bed to go get ready. I wish I could say that magically everything was better and I had at least a list of directions, but that wasn't the case. 

But I do know that God's still here with me. And is forever patient with me even when my attitude sucks. 

I was reminded of this song this morning:

"No matter who you are you’ve got a voice

Why don’t you use it

Sing your own song take all the noise

And make it into music

La da da da

La da da da

La da da daaaa

La da da da

La da da da

La da da daaaaaaa

La da da da lift up your voice

Let love cut through the American noise

La da da da you have a choice

Let love cut through the American noise

You’ve got a voice

Let love cut through the American noise"

Very fitting... Given that I often feel voiceless. And for me, I always feel like a failure as a musician. 

Lots to think about.