"You look like you're going to cry."
Yep... That's where I was at tonight. And I'm grateful for God placing people in my life who know that when I say "I'm fine" it's a huge lie. Praise God for using these dear friends to speak truth into my life.
I just needed a reminder that there's no shame within my scars. God truly does work all things together for my good. Somehow, everything works out.
Had you told me seven years ago that I would move across the country and get a Master's degree (and be single!) I would've looked at you like you were crazy. Had you told that girl, who had completely walked away from God and wasn't even sure she knew if He existed, that she would be leading worship and loving it and relying on Jesus seven years from that moment, I would've laughed at you.
What happened back then was evil and designed to break me. And it didn't. And believe me, I definitely tried to check out early of the mess that is life. But God clearly had other plans for me. And I find again and again that I am amazed that He cares that much about me. Because I know I really don't deserve it. And I still question why He would want to use me in His plan. I don't have all the answers, but I know He loves me with a love that I can't even begin to describe.
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:37).
"There's a place, a place of healing
There is no shame within your scars
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presence of a Holy God"
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Even If... A year later
I know, I know... I've used this song before and it was actually almost a year ago that I used it to write about trusting God even if the healing doesn't come. At that time, I related it to healing from physical pain from my dance injury. Well fast forward to now and that's still where I'm at... I got hurt again (at work this time) and have had to accept that I will probably live with it for the rest of my life. Could God heal me completely? I have no doubt that He can. But that's not something He's promised and I have to be so careful not to fall into the routine that if I do x, y, and z, then clearly God will see just how faithful I am and He'd want to heal me completely.
That's not how it works.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to write about today...emotional pain.
I can't remember the exact date - I don't want to and even if I did, I still think it's my mind's way of protecting me from other things that could come back too. But somehow, I still know. Seven years later and around this time every year, I become withdrawn and irritable with everyone. It took me awhile this week to figure out why I was/am being a...well...a witch. ;-) But I know. And I don't know that I'm ready to now (or ever) spill everything on the internet. (I won't say 'never' though...because I've shared quite a bit of everything with hundreds of people at Calvary on Campus, so who knows?)
Anyways, that's not the point. It took me longer to figure out this time because I feel like it shouldn't impact me this much anymore. I have spent hours in prayer over it by myself and with others praying for me. I've been to healing retreats. I've been to counseling. It's also been years now. So can't I be done with this crap yet? And I've just been asking God why?
A reminder came from reading Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery. (Fantastic book, by the way.) God doesn't promise a lot of the things we assume. Just because we're faithful and do everything "right," it doesn't mean He will reward us with what we want.
But God does promise to be enough for us. Are there going to be times where I feel like I have this week? Yes. Life isn't easy. This world is not my home and until the day I get to Heaven, I will struggle because life here isn't perfect. Until then, I need to keep running to God and trusting that He will be there for me.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).
"Sometimes all we have to hold onto
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"
My cover of Even If: https://soundcloud.com/raevynnnicole/even-if
Original version by Kutless: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0
That's not how it works.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to write about today...emotional pain.
I can't remember the exact date - I don't want to and even if I did, I still think it's my mind's way of protecting me from other things that could come back too. But somehow, I still know. Seven years later and around this time every year, I become withdrawn and irritable with everyone. It took me awhile this week to figure out why I was/am being a...well...a witch. ;-) But I know. And I don't know that I'm ready to now (or ever) spill everything on the internet. (I won't say 'never' though...because I've shared quite a bit of everything with hundreds of people at Calvary on Campus, so who knows?)
Anyways, that's not the point. It took me longer to figure out this time because I feel like it shouldn't impact me this much anymore. I have spent hours in prayer over it by myself and with others praying for me. I've been to healing retreats. I've been to counseling. It's also been years now. So can't I be done with this crap yet? And I've just been asking God why?
A reminder came from reading Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery. (Fantastic book, by the way.) God doesn't promise a lot of the things we assume. Just because we're faithful and do everything "right," it doesn't mean He will reward us with what we want.
But God does promise to be enough for us. Are there going to be times where I feel like I have this week? Yes. Life isn't easy. This world is not my home and until the day I get to Heaven, I will struggle because life here isn't perfect. Until then, I need to keep running to God and trusting that He will be there for me.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).
"Sometimes all we have to hold onto
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That can never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God, You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come"
My cover of Even If: https://soundcloud.com/raevynnnicole/even-if
Original version by Kutless: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I Surrender
Again and again, I have to remember that I need to surrender...daily. When I wake up in the morning, I have to die to myself. Some things are far easier to let go of and bury than others. Over and over, I find myself bargaining with God.
"I will give You this problem and that desire and this fear, but I can handle this issue and I really want this and I'm afraid of what You'll do if I let go of that..."
Why?
In wrestling with it today, God challenged me. Why? Why am I so afraid of just handing everything over? I love being in complete control... I like to be the boss. I really don't like to be told what to do, especially if I don't like it.
But repeatedly we are commanded to "fear not." I don't have an exact number for how many times it shows up in the Bible, but I know it's a lot!
It seems silly that this is a lesson I have to keep coming back to... Haven't I already faced my biggest fears...and lived through them? And no, I'm not talking about being terrified of spiders or anything, although I seem to always live through those encounters as well! But hasn't God always been there, pulling me through, even when I wasn't sure everything was going to be okay? And wasn't He there when I walked away and said I was done with this religion business?
In fact, looking back at it all, He'd never left. I was just trying really hard to ignore Him because I was so angry. And really afraid that if I admitted that then I would be forced to let go and accept that I couldn't handle it by myself. And I would have to let go of my anger. I would have to move on, grow, and learn.
And heal.
And even after all of that, I feel like it should just be easy to surrender everything...and I find that it's not. I have to make that decision daily - sometimes even several times a day!
God answers 'yes,' 'no,' and 'not now.' I'm not sure if I find 'not now' or 'no' more frustrating. I guess with 'no' there's a sense of closure, even if it isn't the answer I wanted. A 'no' is always for my own good. God doesn't say 'no' to be mean! He's protecting me.
Honestly, maybe it's the 'not now' I find more irritating because it allows me to hope. And I'm always afraid of being disappointed. And afraid that somehow by hoping too much the 'not now' will turn into a 'no.'
Regardless of the answer, I need to surrender. His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. While I may not understand everything in a given moment, it seems to all work out.
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI
"I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me
Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me"
"I will give You this problem and that desire and this fear, but I can handle this issue and I really want this and I'm afraid of what You'll do if I let go of that..."
Why?
In wrestling with it today, God challenged me. Why? Why am I so afraid of just handing everything over? I love being in complete control... I like to be the boss. I really don't like to be told what to do, especially if I don't like it.
But repeatedly we are commanded to "fear not." I don't have an exact number for how many times it shows up in the Bible, but I know it's a lot!
It seems silly that this is a lesson I have to keep coming back to... Haven't I already faced my biggest fears...and lived through them? And no, I'm not talking about being terrified of spiders or anything, although I seem to always live through those encounters as well! But hasn't God always been there, pulling me through, even when I wasn't sure everything was going to be okay? And wasn't He there when I walked away and said I was done with this religion business?
In fact, looking back at it all, He'd never left. I was just trying really hard to ignore Him because I was so angry. And really afraid that if I admitted that then I would be forced to let go and accept that I couldn't handle it by myself. And I would have to let go of my anger. I would have to move on, grow, and learn.
And heal.
And even after all of that, I feel like it should just be easy to surrender everything...and I find that it's not. I have to make that decision daily - sometimes even several times a day!
God answers 'yes,' 'no,' and 'not now.' I'm not sure if I find 'not now' or 'no' more frustrating. I guess with 'no' there's a sense of closure, even if it isn't the answer I wanted. A 'no' is always for my own good. God doesn't say 'no' to be mean! He's protecting me.
Honestly, maybe it's the 'not now' I find more irritating because it allows me to hope. And I'm always afraid of being disappointed. And afraid that somehow by hoping too much the 'not now' will turn into a 'no.'
Regardless of the answer, I need to surrender. His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. While I may not understand everything in a given moment, it seems to all work out.
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnfT4arZtI
"I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me
Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me"
Sunday, February 16, 2014
After All (Holy)
Since getting a TENS unit, I'd forgotten to some extent what excruciating pain felt like. I want to clarify that even though it helps tremendously, it doesn't make everything magically better. It just takes the edge off, which is enough for me and I'm grateful for that. (It's better than nothing!)
Well, everything tends to fluctuate and over the past couple of days I could feel it coming. I sucked it up and put on my fashionable braces, wore my stylish TENS unit, and then tried not to do anything that was going to aggravate things further. Things seemed fine. I was even good and went for a walk today. I settled down to do a bunch of paperwork and WHAM! It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my spine and shattered it into a trillion pieces...
I sank down to the floor and ended up all sprawled out for the next hour and half. At first, the only thought that crossed my mind was why? Why did I feel like I did right after the dance injury or the workplace incident? I hadn't done anything. I was sitting down! I was wearing the stupid electrical stim. This wasn't supposed to happen! It was supposed to fix everything!
In the past, I would've directed my anger towards God. (Anybody who's read this long enough/knows me really well knows that I tend to try to have power struggles with God...frequently.) I can't say that it's because of anything I consciously decided to do, but all I could think of were the words to After All (Holy):
"You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Heaven and earth are full, full of Your glory, Your glory
My soul it overflows, full of Your glory, Your glory
Blessed is He who reigns, full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of Your glory, Your glory
Hosanna we are found after all You are..."
And I just prayed... God, just get me through this. I don't really want to spend the rest of the evening on the floor.
Well, everything tends to fluctuate and over the past couple of days I could feel it coming. I sucked it up and put on my fashionable braces, wore my stylish TENS unit, and then tried not to do anything that was going to aggravate things further. Things seemed fine. I was even good and went for a walk today. I settled down to do a bunch of paperwork and WHAM! It felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my spine and shattered it into a trillion pieces...
I sank down to the floor and ended up all sprawled out for the next hour and half. At first, the only thought that crossed my mind was why? Why did I feel like I did right after the dance injury or the workplace incident? I hadn't done anything. I was sitting down! I was wearing the stupid electrical stim. This wasn't supposed to happen! It was supposed to fix everything!
In the past, I would've directed my anger towards God. (Anybody who's read this long enough/knows me really well knows that I tend to try to have power struggles with God...frequently.) I can't say that it's because of anything I consciously decided to do, but all I could think of were the words to After All (Holy):
"You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
Heaven and earth are full, full of Your glory, Your glory
My soul it overflows, full of Your glory, Your glory
Blessed is He who reigns, full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of Your glory, Your glory
Hosanna we are found after all You are..."
And I just prayed... God, just get me through this. I don't really want to spend the rest of the evening on the floor.
A little while later my roommate came home and we talked. Yes, I tried everything that normally works. And it's apparently just going to be one of those days where nothing does. We talked about what's going on this week and everything that needs to get done. (I'm so excited for worship team this week!) And I'm not one to jump to the conclusion that every time something bad happens it must be a spiritual attack, but the possibility did cross my mind. She also thought that might be a possibility. She left me with this verse: "Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word" (Psalm 119:37). Well, pain is a worthless thing to dwell on... And I know the only way I'm going to get through is relying on God - who is holy, glorious, and in complete control.
The Digital Age - After All (Holy)
"Light arises in the darkness for the upright; He is gracious and compassionate and righteous" (Psalm 112:4).
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sinking Deep
"Dear God, if today I lose my hope, please remind me that Your plans are better than my dreams."
"When your past calls, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."
The past year has been…a little ridiculous. It's now a running joke that I can only come home when we're tearing up part of the house/shifting bedrooms/remodeling/etc. There were lots of good things about the year - I finished my research, passed my exams to be a speech-language pathologist, finished my Master's degree, started taking guitar lessons, and found a job. The biggest praise from the past year is that I don't have to be in pain 24/7 anymore. A TENS unit/electrical stim has worked wonders for me!
But this year has also been a struggle. I got hurt at work and will deal with it for the rest of my life. One of my best friends is gone. And I miss her so much. The holidays were rather strange because I kept waiting for her to walk through the door. And she's not going to.
And then well…let's be honest. One of my friends put it best - "Opening Facebook around the holidays is more like playing a non-stop game of 'guess who just got engaged.'" And I am happy for all of my friends. That's great! Believe me, I'm trying not to have a pity party for myself. Most of the time, I'm okay with where I'm at. But sometimes, like today, the past rears its ugly head and I come face to face with all the crap that's gone on in that arena.
And today, yeah, I've definitely lost my hope. There are things that I wish I could take back. Could I please just get a do-over? And I know that I can't have one and have to watch the way things play out. And to me…it's my fault.
In my whining, one of my friend's reminds me that I can't possibly be powerful enough to mess up God's plan for my life. I know, I know… But it doesn't stop me from asking 'what if?' I could drive myself crazy with all the 'what ifs?'
Still having a pity party, I crawled into bed to read Christine Caine's new book - Undaunted. She writes that life eventually turns all of us upside down and inside out. But… Christ's love can get you through all the 'emotional earthquakes' that occur through life. "Love like Christ's can lift you out of betrayal and hurt. It can deliver you from any mess. Love like that can release you from every prison of fear and confusion" (Caine). I kinda lost it right there…
There's a song on the Hillsong Young & Free album that I'll leave you with. It's my prayer tonight. I'm already feeling more at peace with everything. Even though there's still a huge part of me that would like a road map with explicit directions for the rest of my life, I do know that God is in control. And eventually, everything works out the way it's supposed to.
"Standing here in Your presence
In a grace so relentless
I am won by perfect love
Wrapped within the arms of heaven
In a peace that lasts forever
Sinking deep in mercy's sea
I'm wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into Your love
Oh, Your love
When I'm lost You pursue me
Lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all, so beautiful
Here in You I find shelter
Captivated by the splendor of Your face
My secret place
Your love so deep is washing over me
Your face is all I seek
You are my everything
Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
Lord, hear my only cry
To know You all my life"
Caine, Christine. Undaunted: Daring to Do What God Calls You to Do. Grand Rapids, Mich:
Zondervan, 2012. Print.
"When your past calls, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."
The past year has been…a little ridiculous. It's now a running joke that I can only come home when we're tearing up part of the house/shifting bedrooms/remodeling/etc. There were lots of good things about the year - I finished my research, passed my exams to be a speech-language pathologist, finished my Master's degree, started taking guitar lessons, and found a job. The biggest praise from the past year is that I don't have to be in pain 24/7 anymore. A TENS unit/electrical stim has worked wonders for me!
But this year has also been a struggle. I got hurt at work and will deal with it for the rest of my life. One of my best friends is gone. And I miss her so much. The holidays were rather strange because I kept waiting for her to walk through the door. And she's not going to.
And then well…let's be honest. One of my friends put it best - "Opening Facebook around the holidays is more like playing a non-stop game of 'guess who just got engaged.'" And I am happy for all of my friends. That's great! Believe me, I'm trying not to have a pity party for myself. Most of the time, I'm okay with where I'm at. But sometimes, like today, the past rears its ugly head and I come face to face with all the crap that's gone on in that arena.
And today, yeah, I've definitely lost my hope. There are things that I wish I could take back. Could I please just get a do-over? And I know that I can't have one and have to watch the way things play out. And to me…it's my fault.
In my whining, one of my friend's reminds me that I can't possibly be powerful enough to mess up God's plan for my life. I know, I know… But it doesn't stop me from asking 'what if?' I could drive myself crazy with all the 'what ifs?'
Still having a pity party, I crawled into bed to read Christine Caine's new book - Undaunted. She writes that life eventually turns all of us upside down and inside out. But… Christ's love can get you through all the 'emotional earthquakes' that occur through life. "Love like Christ's can lift you out of betrayal and hurt. It can deliver you from any mess. Love like that can release you from every prison of fear and confusion" (Caine). I kinda lost it right there…
There's a song on the Hillsong Young & Free album that I'll leave you with. It's my prayer tonight. I'm already feeling more at peace with everything. Even though there's still a huge part of me that would like a road map with explicit directions for the rest of my life, I do know that God is in control. And eventually, everything works out the way it's supposed to.
"Standing here in Your presence
In a grace so relentless
I am won by perfect love
Wrapped within the arms of heaven
In a peace that lasts forever
Sinking deep in mercy's sea
I'm wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into Your love
Oh, Your love
When I'm lost You pursue me
Lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all, so beautiful
Here in You I find shelter
Captivated by the splendor of Your face
My secret place
Your love so deep is washing over me
Your face is all I seek
You are my everything
Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
Lord, hear my only cry
To know You all my life"
Caine, Christine. Undaunted: Daring to Do What God Calls You to Do. Grand Rapids, Mich:
Zondervan, 2012. Print.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Gracious Tempest
This past weekend was an incredible experience! I was able to go to the Hillsong Conference in New York City!
Recently, I've expressed how defeated I feel about everything in my life. I've been ready to give up. Maybe I was wrong and God isn't calling me to do things in music. Upon arriving at Radio City Music Hall, I plunked down in my seat and looked at the spectacular set up on stage. Immediately I began comparing myself and my piano skills, as I tend to do, and finding that I was insignificant. (As I've said before...you will never hear the words "I think I'm a fantastic pianist" come out of my mouth.) I already felt frustrated... I would just die to have that keyboard set up and the talent to use it.
I tend to have dramatic conversations with myself (is anyone really surprised?) and felt that why bother? There will always be someone better than me.
I also tend to challenge God...which never works out super well for me...
"Why bother, God?"
Oops...probably shouldn't have done that.
"I gave you your talent for a reason."
"Why would you want to listen to me? The keyboardists here are phenomenal. And since I'm already asking for it anyways, have you heard my mother play? Why would you want to listen to me over her?"
(Side note... I really do think my mother is the most amazing pianist in the world. And I've heard and seen more pianists than I could count and time and time again I find myself thinking that she plays it better and with infinitely more expression than I've ever seen anyone play with.) Anyways...
After asking the question bitterly, my eyes filled with tears. And I got a vision of God just sitting...listening and watching me play the piano. And enjoying it.
"Raevynn, I love listening to you play."
"Really?"
"I gave you your talent and skill set for a reason. I don't want you to be your mother, incredible as she is. I want you to be you."
I don't think I've ever cried so much during worship. I certainly don't when I lead. I can't fall apart then, but I wasn't leading so there was nothing stopping me. Honestly though, I don't think I could've stopped the tears if I wanted to at that point.
I realized that I am so blessed to have grown up with a mom who is a fantastic pianist. I realize that yes, she is amazing. And I will never be her, but I get to learn from her. I got to watch, listen, and learn from the keyboardists at the conference. They also put a lot of their stuff online so you can see how they do everything. It's a blessing to not be the best. I will have someone to look up to and learn from. I hope to continue to grow as a musician and develop my skills. I would be a poor steward of the gifts God gave me if I didn't continue to strive to give my best.
"Your love is crashing over me,
It's surging like a raging sea.
Immerse me in the wonder of Your love.
A downpour of unending grace,
Consuming all my reckless ways.
My sin submerged,
Your love has saved my soul.
Your love is like a storm."
Recently, I've expressed how defeated I feel about everything in my life. I've been ready to give up. Maybe I was wrong and God isn't calling me to do things in music. Upon arriving at Radio City Music Hall, I plunked down in my seat and looked at the spectacular set up on stage. Immediately I began comparing myself and my piano skills, as I tend to do, and finding that I was insignificant. (As I've said before...you will never hear the words "I think I'm a fantastic pianist" come out of my mouth.) I already felt frustrated... I would just die to have that keyboard set up and the talent to use it.
I tend to have dramatic conversations with myself (is anyone really surprised?) and felt that why bother? There will always be someone better than me.
I also tend to challenge God...which never works out super well for me...
"Why bother, God?"
Oops...probably shouldn't have done that.
"I gave you your talent for a reason."
"Why would you want to listen to me? The keyboardists here are phenomenal. And since I'm already asking for it anyways, have you heard my mother play? Why would you want to listen to me over her?"
(Side note... I really do think my mother is the most amazing pianist in the world. And I've heard and seen more pianists than I could count and time and time again I find myself thinking that she plays it better and with infinitely more expression than I've ever seen anyone play with.) Anyways...
After asking the question bitterly, my eyes filled with tears. And I got a vision of God just sitting...listening and watching me play the piano. And enjoying it.
"Raevynn, I love listening to you play."
"Really?"
"I gave you your talent and skill set for a reason. I don't want you to be your mother, incredible as she is. I want you to be you."
I don't think I've ever cried so much during worship. I certainly don't when I lead. I can't fall apart then, but I wasn't leading so there was nothing stopping me. Honestly though, I don't think I could've stopped the tears if I wanted to at that point.
I realized that I am so blessed to have grown up with a mom who is a fantastic pianist. I realize that yes, she is amazing. And I will never be her, but I get to learn from her. I got to watch, listen, and learn from the keyboardists at the conference. They also put a lot of their stuff online so you can see how they do everything. It's a blessing to not be the best. I will have someone to look up to and learn from. I hope to continue to grow as a musician and develop my skills. I would be a poor steward of the gifts God gave me if I didn't continue to strive to give my best.
"Your love is crashing over me,
It's surging like a raging sea.
Immerse me in the wonder of Your love.
A downpour of unending grace,
Consuming all my reckless ways.
My sin submerged,
Your love has saved my soul.
Your love is like a storm."
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Lifeline
So Hillsong Young and Free just released their first album and it's pretty awesome! As of right now, "Lifeline" is my favorite track. The chorus says:
"You took me from the wayside, called me Your own
Throwing me a lifeline, You carried me home
Jesus, You're all I want, You're all I want
Over the horizon is where I look beyond
You're the silver lining breaking through the storm
Jesus, You're all I want, You're all I want"
Lately, so many other things have just been distractions. I'm tired... I'm really tired of defending myself and what I really want and feel called to do. I'm tired of explaining and I'm really tired of fighting.
I have always picked the safe route. I don't go after what I want because I feel like I'll just fail. But picking the safe route hasn't made me happy.
Don't get me wrong, I like what I do. But lately I've been kicking myself for not going into music. And why didn't I? Because it's not safe. And I always do the responsible thing. Because I looked up at professional female musicians and realized just how much they sacrifice - relationships, families, etc. And that scared me because I don't want to be alone.
Lately though, I'm realizing that that shouldn't be my goal and what I pour my hope into. The end goal is not that I get married and that's it - I'll live happily ever after. No... Being with Jesus is the end game. Why is it so often that I'm worried about some potential relationship or lack of one? Shouldn't Jesus be all I want?
All the time I've spent worrying is a waste. And lately I'm just annoyed at myself for worrying about such stupid things. I've reached a point where it's like okay... I don't care anymore! God, I will let go of everything. I want to do what You put me here for. I don't know what that involves, but I'll do it if You're there with me.
And I know He will be.
I'm not saying that I'm not still insecure about it or that I'm not going to think about these things ever again... Come on, I spend at least one evening a week watching a dumb wedding show with my roommate and while we make fun of it to some extent, there's still the *sigh* I want to wear the big poofy princess dress! When's it my turn?! (And yes critics (you know who you are!) mine will be blue! Why? Cuz I can! And honestly, when am I not trying to push the fashion envelope...)
Our God gives us second chances. And while I may think I've thrown everything off course, that's not true. So...here's to figuring out where to go from here.
"And oh, You are my hope
Jesus forever, You've forgiven my failures
You are my hope
You never let go
Jesus forever, You've forgiven my failures"
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